Chapter 32
“Why didn’t you tell me Victoria was in New York?” I bark into my phone as my driver closes the door behind me in the backseat of the town car.
It’s not much of a greeting, but I’m not feeling particularly cheerful after this new bout of deception.
Ainsley laughs. “You saw her, huh? How’d you like that suit we picked out?”
I grind my teeth and try not to yell. I will not talk about her with him like we’re pals. I cannot. This whole thing is just…too much.
“She told me you helped her get moved and whatnot.”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
Another laugh. “Why not?”
My anger seethes at his flippancy. “I can think of a few reasons why not. First of all?—”
“Oh, save it, dad. You and your reasons. You act like you’ve got all the time in the world, but I’m here to tell you that this silver fox stage you’re in right now, it won’t last. You’re just going to be an old man soon and don’t you want to be an old man who snagged himself a girl?”
My mind can’t stop tripping over those words long enough to form a coherent sentence, so I just clench my eyes closed and try to pretend this conversation isn”t happening. Ainsley, of course, doesn”t take the hint to shut up.
“She’s good for you. Anyone can see it. I talked to Cynthia last week and she agreed.”
“Why were you talking to my secretary?”
Another carefree laugh. “We talk, man. I’ve known her since I was a kid. She’s the closest thing you have to a friend in this city, so we chat sometimes and exchange news about you. God knows you don’t tell either of us everything.”
Another bombshell to process later. “I don’t need your assistance with my dating life, Ainsley. I appreciate the gesture, but I have everything under?—”
“Don’t say control. If we’re having this conversation right now, it means that Vicki’s not there, which means that your dumbass left her behind somewhere, and that is an indication that you don’t have anything under control.” He mimics my voice on those last two words.
I grind my teeth harder.“I just need more time.”
“And how long do you think a girl like that is going to wait around for you to get over your hang-ups and decide to let her make you happy?”
“She seemed very interested in working together to secure some kind of future for our relationship. I got the impression that I could take some time to think it over.”
The kid might die of hilarity at my words.
“Jesus, dad. You are a lost cause. Working together to secure some kind of future for our relationship.” He does a poor imitation of me again and laughs. “The girl is gaga for you, and I know you feel the same way. Cynthia told me that you’ve been clocking out before six every night. What the hell’s that about? And I’ve been seeing the movies you’re watching, it’s like you’re running through a list of Vicki’s favorites.”
“How do you know what movies I watch?”
“I use all your streaming logins. They’re right there on the home page.”
I should have known that. I should have known a lot of the things the kid’s telling me, but I didn’t. I didn’t know he was in contact with people close to me to exchange information. I didn’t know he paid any attention to my life at all.
It makes me wonder what else I don’t know.
And if I want to find out.
I grimace at the thought.
“I’m doing some life reevaluation right now. And yes, I am considering whether Victoria could be a part of that.”
“What’s to consider? You date a girl, it works out or it doesn”t. This idea you have that you need to know the end before you begin is what’s holding you back. Just take the leap and see what happens.”
“It’s my careful deliberation over possible endings that has gotten me to where I am right now. I don’t just leap into things without doing my research and making sure I can contain any collateral damage.”
“Oh, give it a rest, dad. That’s all bull and you know it. You can’t live your life in a bubble where you only interact with possibilities that have predictable outcomes. I’ve only just started statistics class and even I know that. I get that you feel like you have a lot to protect in life, but maybe it’s time to let some of that stuff go.”
He’s right, of course, but I can’t help arguing the point until it’s dead. I want to stop. I want to let him win. But I still hold the trump card. I beg myself not to play it.
But in the end, I do.
“I promised your mother that I would take good care of you. Every decision I’ve made has been to provide you with the best possible opportunities and future.”
I pause and wait for him to concede the argument to me and apologize, but the kid just sighs.
“Dad, you did it. I survived. I’m an adult. I’m in college, and you’re rich as fuck. Everything’s fine. It’s time to let go of the words that have haunted you for the last thirteen years and start living your life. Mom’s gone. She’s been gone a long time, and you did everything you promised her and more.”
He’s so right it nauseates me.
I take the coward’s way out.
“I’ve got another call coming in. I’ll talk to you soon.”
He’s still talking as I end the call.
I don’t even set the phone down in my lap before it’s buzzing again.
Avery.
He’s been calling every day since I left Faraday, but I haven’t had the energy to face what could be waiting for me on that line. I let out a sigh and hit accept.
If I blow him off much longer, the guy is going to show up on my doorstep, and I’m not sure that would be better.
“Hey,” I say, and prepare for the worst.
“Hey,” Avery replies. “I talked to Ainsley.”
At least he’s not going to drag this out.
“Oh?”
“You should have told us.”
I can’t imagine saying the words aloud even now that he knows, so I’m not sure how I would have pulled that off. I huff a laugh in response.
“Seriously, man. We would have been there for you. It sounds like that was a rough day. I wish I’d known. I know the guys feel the same.”
He told them.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, waiting for the shame to overtake me. It ebbs, but it’s not the rib cage crushing wave I experienced back on the island. Maybe the distance is helping.
“Yeah, well.”
“Talk to me, Ben. Or I’m coming up there.”
I smile to myself at Avery being so predictable. “There’s not all that much to say. I got taken by a pretty woman. I’m still working it all out.”
“What’s there to work out?” He sounds confused and I guess I would be as well. The most likely thing for me to do in this situation is move on and never speak about it—or to her—again.
But it’s not that simple.
“She’s here. She and Ains worked out some kind of plan where he helped her get moved to the city so she could try to get me back.”
Avery laughs on the other end of the line. “Really, now? He told me he was just headed back to start at Columbia.”
“He did that, too.”
“Okay, so the girl?—”
“She’s a woman, Ave. An adult woman.”
“Right, my bad. So this woman packs up her life here on Faraday and moves to the city to get you back. Is she succeeding?”
Is she? For a moment at that cafe, I thought for sure I’d let her win. But now, trying to explain this all to my friend? I’m just not sure. “What if she did?”
“That would be great, Ben. We’d all be very happy for you.”
I scoff. “Happy for me and my son’s ex-girlfriend.”
Avery’s having none of it. “If you’re going to stay on this pity train, you’re not going to get anywhere and you know it. I talked to Ains, it sounds like they were really more like friends. And we all need friends in life, don’t we?”
I huff again, considering that the opposite might be true as my own best friend is giving me the third degree.
“If that shit hadn’t happened out on Merit, would you have taken her home with you?”
“Yes.” There’s no point in lying now.
“So, she’s the one.”
I grind my teeth and lay my head back on the seat. “There is no the one.”
“How can you say that? Have you met my perfect in every way for me girlfriend?”
I shake my head and sigh. “Fine. You found the one. Congratulations on winning life, Ave.”
“You found Breanna.”
Only Avery would dare to say something like that to me, even after all these years. “Perfect. I found the one and she died. Thanks for the pep talk.”
“She was the one for you then. Breanna swooped in when you were going through some heavy family shit and pulled you right out of it. Helped you stand up to your parents. Helped you get through law school after you thought you were going to fail. And she gave you Ainsley.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting it out long and slow. “You’re right. She was the one.”
“And what if you’ve found the one for the man you are now? You’re in a new chapter. Stepping away from some of the firm responsibilities as the younger partners step up. Sending your kid off to college. Committing to being at The Sands more. This is a fresh start for you, and what do you know? The perfect woman for your new start shows up right on time.”
I don’t have to think hard to know Breanna would agree wholeheartedly with him right now. I can see them in my mind, laughing over this whole thing and telling me not to screw it up.
“I think it’s perfect that Ains brought her to you. It’s a fucking love story, man. Like a movie.”
“Glad I’m keeping you entertained.”
“Don’t fucking do this. Don’t do the thing where you decide one problem is big enough to kill everything good in your life. It’s too short.”
I don’t have a response for that, so I say nothing. I’m sure Ave’s just getting started.
He doesn”t make me wait. “If this shit with Ainsley hadn’t gone down, and Victoria was living at your house with you right now, would you tell me she was the one?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then. You’ve got your answer.”
Smug fucking bastard wraps the whole thing up with a box and hands it over, expecting me to thank him.
“When are you coming back up to New York?” I ask.
Ave is quiet for a long moment, and I know he’s deciding whether to let me change the subject. Finally, he relents. “Ains and I have tickets to see The National next month.”
“Let’s get dinner.”
He laughs. “We’re going to get a lot more than dinner, Ben. I’m staying at your house. I’m going to be all up in your bullshit.”
I laugh then, shaking my head. “Sounds good, man.”
“Tell Vicki I said hi.”
Arriving home is usually my favorite part of the day, but today it just feels heavy.
I set my briefcase down on the entryway table with a thud that echoes through the empty halls. As I walk, lights gradually brighten to greet me, something I generally enjoy, but today it just seems pathetic.
I have my house programmed to greet me because I”m always alone.
I mentally curse Ainsley for sending me down this path of morose thoughts. I’m not pathetic. I’m doing just fine. I’m a partner at the largest, most prestigious firm in the city. I have everything I could ever want in life.
So why am I standing in the doorway of the kitchen, holding down a rush of emotions at the thought of cooking dinner for myself and settling down on the couch to watch TV?
I don’t bother offering myself multiple choices for my emotional state. I already know the reason.
I shouldn’t have left her there like that.
I could have said something to indicate my predicament and mental gymnastics. Let her know how deeply I’m considering her offer. Let her know how much she means to me.
Instead, I just walked out with only a single word.
Bye.
The thought haunts me.
I cross the kitchen and pull a bottle of beer from the fridge before heading to my study. As I sink into my favorite chair, the one that faces a massive window overlooking the forest on the back half of my property, I pull out my phone.
My plan is to call her and explain why I left, explain that this whole thing took me by surprise but I’m working through it.
But first I have to change her contact info back to Victoria, and away from Do Not Answer, which was what I changed it to while waiting for my helicopter on Merit.
It would have been simpler to actually block her number, like I told her I had, but I couldn’t give up the test of my control I’d undergo by having her texts and voicemails sitting in my phone and not reading or listening to them.
I’d won the game. I never opened a single one, but I hate thinking about what the prize for that kind of behavior could be.
A lifetime of loneliness?
Congratulations, Ben. You’re the most in control man alive. You can now die alone in your giant house.
I curse myself for once again allowing those despondent thoughts to sneak through my mental firewall and take another long sip of beer.
I’m in no state to talk to anyone, not after those two conversations in the car. I’ve got some real thinking to do.
With a heavy sigh, I hit play on the first voicemail.