Epilogue
Ben
Ilean against the doorway of our bedroom, watching Victoria fuss with her earrings, then her hair, then her eyelashes. I would interrupt to tell her she looks beautiful, but even in these short months living together at my house, not even a full year, I’ve learned to let her process. She gets there in her own time, her confidence waning and waxing like the moon until she’s full and bright.
As much as I would like to say that I learned to be patient, to allow life to unfold naturally, from decades of being a parent, I’m not entirely sure that would be the truth.
Did I ever sit back and let Ainsley figure things out for himself like this? Did I ever once patiently wait for him to change his outfit six times until some mysterious approval level was reached and we were able to leave the house? Never. His clothes were laid out for him by me. If there was ever a problem, he was reminded of how lucky we are to have the things we had and that he should fall in line.
What a joke that was. What a joke to think that having such an excess of money would somehow make up for the fact that our hearts longed for connection and softness.
It would be easy to let myself wallow in the missteps of my past, but even I can see the futility of it.
I made mistakes in my marriage to Breanna. We were so young and I was chasing down the world. Never a second to spare for frivolities like days off. Thinking of all those wasted moments I could have spent with her used to drive me to madness, but time was merciful, allowing the pain to ease.
I made mistakes in my cold, systematic upbringing of my son. I needed so badly for him to grow into the kind of person anyone could see the value in that I failed to account for the innate value he, and everyone, was born with. But he doesn’t hate me for it, which, I suppose, is the biggest miracle of them all. He blessed upon me this woman, offering me a lesson in letting go that I probably would have died without learning had it not been for him.
And for her.
Victoria’s dark hair is expertly tamed this evening, shining nearly black in the golden lamplight. Her gown, chosen carefully with the help of her new girlfriends from the Pilates studio over the last few weeks, fits her like liquid mercury, draping over her curves and pooling behind her tall, black heels in a puddle of starlight.
“What time is it?” she asks, drawing me out of my meditative adoration.
I glance down at my watch. “Quarter to seven.”
Her face expands in all directions with surprise. “Weren’t we supposed to leave at six-thirty? You should have told me I was taking too long.”
I push off the doorway and cross the room to take her hand and twirl her before pulling her into my arms. “It’s my party. We’ll arrive fashionably late.”
I watch her eyes search mine for any hint of condescension. She finds none because there is nothing but love and adoration on my mind.
The party tonight is celebrating my ten years as partner, a milestone generally marked by choosing a mentee from the pool of lawyers working their way through the ranks. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t harbored fantasies over the years of bringing Ains up on that stage and presenting him that honor, but I can see now how ridiculous and self-indulgent that idea was.
Once again the ocean of regret for having ignored the kid’s true nature and potential for his whole life threatens to overtake me, but Victoria’s at my hand. I give hers a squeeze and she returns it, smiling up at me as I lead her down the sweeping staircase into the main foyer.
“I’m a little nervous about tonight.” Her eyes avoid mine, and I can see her biting the inside of her red painted lip.
This is going to be the first official appearance we make together as a couple. We’ve been spotted lunching and shopping around the city before, and I’ve made no secret of my new relationship to anyone in my office or extended circle. But this is the first time that I will help her out of a limo and walk into an event with her on my arm. Introduce her to the whole community.
I’ve never been less nervous about anything in my entire life.
“You look amazing. They’re going to adore you.”
Her lip-biting persists.
“What are you worried is going to happen?”
“They’re going to think I’m too young for you. That I’m a gold-digger.”
I crack a smile as the words take shape. “Shall I offer you a romantic quip about your heart of gold and my pan?”
Finally, her smile returns. “You mean your pickaxe?”
“Is that how this went, lover? I spotted a promising looking rock and broke it apart to find my treasure? I don’t think so. My metaphor with a pan and a gently babbling river seems more succinct.”
She just shakes her head, heading for the front door, where our car is waiting, but I can tell I’ve set her at ease.
I wonder if I could do one step more.
“Victoria,” I call, as she lays her hand on the brass handle. She turns to look at me and I’m struck with uncharacteristic nerves. “I…” I take a deep breath and collect myself. “I was going to do this at the party, although thinking of it now, I can’t imagine why I ever thought that was a good idea.”
Her eyes are narrowed as she waits in silence.
I slip my hands out of the pockets of my tuxedo pants as I close the distance between us.
When I drop to one knee, I hear her suck in a breath and smile.
Once again, I was worried for nothing.
“I know this might be a bit sooner than expected. Sooner than we had discussed…” I shake my head to get myself back on track. “Vic, you have changed my life in ways I never thought were possible. You saw something in me that no one has ever seen, and fought for me in ways I didn’t think I deserved. I don’t know if a hundred years would be enough time to repay you for how thoroughly you have saved me, but I want to try. And I want to start now. No more waiting. I love you more than life itself. Marry me.”
The ring is in a tiny velvet box, tucked into my jacket pocket. I retrieve it with surprisingly steady hands and present it to her. Its sparkle matches the glimmer in her eyes.
“Ben, goddamn it, I spent an hour on my eye make-up.” Her words come with a choked laugh as she shakes her head and dabs carefully at the tears pooling in her eyes.
“You look perfect. You are perfect.”
A smile spreads across her face as she looks down at me, make-up forgotten, tears now allowed to escape from her eyes and blaze little trails down her cheeks. “I would have been bawling my eyes out at the party in front of everyone.”
“Victoria, if you don’t say yes, I might die down here.”
“Yes, of course yes.”
She grabs my hands with both of hers and pulls me to my feet. Our lips meet and a calm washes over me like a cool breeze. This is the rest of my life. I get to have this woman. I somehow deserve this.
She lets me slip the ring on her finger, a delicate gold band holding the largest single cut diamond I could get my hands on, surrounded by a constellation of tiny rubies.
“Ben…” she whispers, turning her hand side to side and watching the gems sparkle. “It’s beautiful.”
I smile down at her, so much joy running through my veins that I feel buoyant and bulletproof. “It’s a beacon, one that will always lead me to you. No matter how well you try to hide.”
Her eyes drift back up to meet mine and I see a flash of playfulness before her gaze softens to reflect my love back to me. A sight I will never tire of as long as I live.
“Thank you,” she says finally.
I feel my forehead crease as I draw her now jewel-laden hand up to meet my lips. “You don’t have to thank me. This is my way of thanking you.”
She shrugs, not pulling her hand away. Not taking her eyes off mine. “I have a lot to be grateful for as well. Grateful that you stepped out of your comfort zone that first night. Grateful that you opened your life to a strange woman after years of being alone.”
I watch the emotions rise back into her face and when she speaks, I can hear them in her soft voice. “Grateful that you saw enough of what I saw when you looked beyond our little games, into the future. Grateful that you took a chance on this.”
“The bets with the longest odds have the greatest payoffs, after all.”
Her face breaks into a wide grin I can’t help but return.
“We were something of a dark horse, I guess.”
“I wouldn’t want it any other way. Dark horse, white horse, or, as fate has chosen, inside the black limo waiting outside—it’s us, together, against the world.”
Victoria
I began to understand the true meaning of wealth when I came to live in Ben’s New York estate eight months ago.
You’d think after all that time frolicking around the Merit Island house like a lady of leisure, enjoying the fruits of someone else’s labor, I’d be used to it. But the island life was different. It was easy to slide into the fantasy when everything around me was designed with vacation in mind.
Here in the real world, I feel like a goddamn princess.
Or maybe a queen…
A car delivers me to Lotus studios most weekdays. I’ve been working my way through their curriculum and am now certified to teach Level 1 Rehabilitation classes as well as my regular Pilates Mat classes. I love being able to relate to my students on a personal level, and share my own journey of healing with those starting at square one. I am a walking success story and I’m happy to offer people hope.
I’ve made a small group of girlfriends amongst the teachers at the studio and I host lunches and pool parties in my absurdly opulent indoor pool lounge.
My friend Sandra is now two months into a cozy little relationship with one of Ben’s work associates. We go on double dates to the theater and to restaurants whose names I used to see in magazines.
I shop with a limitless platinum card.
Growing up in Maryland, we had what seemed like enough to me as a kid, but looking back on it now, I can see the struggle. My grandparents lived with us for most of my childhood, but I wonder now if we lived with them. It’s funny how the world that you’re born into seems like the only way people live…until you grow up and learn differently.
The world Ben was born into is one of housekeepers and summer houses. Of leasing cars so you always have a new one and never having to change the toilet paper roll.
It’s excessive, and overindulgent, and unnecessary and I love it with the very marrow of my bones.
I was definitely born to be a queen.
I’m going to do so much good with this fortunate life I seem to have stumbled into. Help so many people and change so many lives. But for now, I’m simply letting myself settle. Letting myself relax and regroup.
Ben, self-proclaimed hard-ass, has actually turned out to be quite the sugar daddy. I love watching him get off on spoiling me almost as much as I like being spoiled. And getting off.
I glance down at the brand new engagement ring on my finger as I wait for Ben to open the car door for me at the party. It sparkles in the dim overhead lighting and I feel my heart skip a beat.
How did I ever get so lucky?
It’s not just the ring, or the house, or the lifestyle.
It’s the man. And it’s who I’ve become in my time together with him. He offered me something I didn’t even realize I was missing—a safe place to grow.
“Ready?” Ben asks as he reaches down for my hand.
I nod up at him, feeling calm, solid, and sure. It’s a feeling I’m still getting used to, but one I definitely know looks good on me.
And I know it’s because of Ben. Love has offered me space to question, to struggle, to worry, and yet to know that this is simply the journey. The human experience. I share my worries and mistakes with Ben and with my friends and they share theirs with me. I know now that it’s okay to not be perfect. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Maybe that’s the crux of it. I’m not alone. I never was, not for one moment of my life. I could have leaned on my family. I could have told the truth to my friends. But I never felt safe enough. I never felt secure enough in my own person to allow those faults and weaknesses to show.
What love has offered me is a window into the vulnerability of another person. And what I see there is very familiar.
We breeze through the front doors to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the party is being held, security stepping out of the way to let us pass with nods of recognition. I can feel all eyes on me as we make our way down the corridor to the Sackler Wing and the Temple of Dendur, where the party is being held.
The ancient Egyptian temple is stunning and dramatic, taking my breath away as we enter the room. Ben leads us past the reflecting pool and over to where the bar is set up in front of floor to ceiling windows overlooking Central Park. I listen to the click, click, click of my heels as I cross the marble floor with a firm grasp on Ben’s arm, accepting the eye contact and curious smiles from guests.
With a crystal flute of sparkling wine in hand, I’m ready for the introductions to begin.
The End