Chapter 10
CLAIRE
I’m fine. Fine. Totally fine. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. You would think having sex with Savage would have my heart in tangles and my nerves frayed like live wires, but watching Savage hold my baby does something painful and somehow perfect to me all at the same time.
I haven’t trusted anyone with her. No babysitters until Poppy’s daughters just a few days ago.
She’s all I have left. My flesh, blood, yes. But more than that, Aurora is my heart. She’s a living, breathing piece of my mama, the dad I never knew, and now, the father she’ll never know.
I even named Aurora after my mother Dawn. Aurora, like the lights in the sky that bring hope even through the darkness. Mama and Aurora share those crystal-blue eyes, and now she’s in the lap of a man I hardly know. She’s resting her head against his chest, biting his fingers.
And I’m not afraid.
I’m not comfortable, not entirely, because old habits die hard, but I’m not afraid. Not of Savage. Not of this.
I watch them together as I gather up my clothes, and I wonder if Savage has any experience with a baby.
“What does she like to do?” His question is sincere, and he’s looking at her with something like love on his face.
I mean, Aurora is such a sweet baby, it’s impossible not to love her. But still, seeing the way he looks at her heals something I never thought could be fixed.
“At her age, she should be crawling and exploring. She loves her train.” I take her pink-and-purple train and choo-choo it all the way up Savage’s pant leg, making it do a little spin on his knee.
He watches intently as I play with Aurora, teasing her, making silly noises.
And then he takes the train from me and makes a deep, realistic engine sound.
Aurora grabs for the train excitedly.
I watch him with her and slowly relax. I sit on the floor cross-legged watching them play together, conscious with every movement of my body that I’m sore from the way he touched me, but not in a painful way. The pleasurable ache that makes me miss his hands on me and his mouth.
But he can’t possibly have real feelings for me. What happened last night was an itch, right? A mutual scratch after the time we’ve spent together.
The idea makes me sad. I’m getting used to his deep brown eyes, the sadness and depth reflected there. His sculpted arms and heavy tattoos. I want to hold him and listen to every secret inked along his body and inside his heart.
Somehow, the man who bought my freedom got a piece of my heart as part of the deal.
But I know I can’t hope for anything more than what I have already. A warm bed. A full belly. A roof over my head and respect as long as I’m inside these walls. He’s been good to me, and I don’t want to mistake that for more.
As I stand to grab a few snacks for Aurora, something occurs to me.
“Savage,” I say quietly. He’s whistling like a train, and Aurora is back to biting his finger. “I, uh… I haven’t had a period in months. I don’t know if it’s stress or something else. I nursed Aurora for a bit, but it’s never come back. So, last night…”
I hope he understands that, despite what we did, there’s no way I can get pregnant.
His eyes meet mine, and I see an entire highlight reel of thoughts cross over his face. At first, discomfort. Then, confusion. Understanding, relief. I don’t know.
He gives me a stiff nod and then scratches his head. “Okay,” he says quietly, but then he chirps, “Ow.”
Aurora pulls her mouth from his finger and laughs. That belly-deep, dimples-out baby laugh that always makes me smile.
“That really hurt. She’s like a puppy, nipping and biting.” He cocks his chin at her, but then a full grin overtakes her face. “She’s so damned cute, Claire. She’s so beautiful.”
I nod. And it means a lot to me that he sees it too. I go over to him and hold out my arms, and as I knew she would, Aurora practically throws her body at me.
I take her from Savage and pat her back, rocking instinctively on my heels. “Go ahead and get coffee or some breakfast for yourself,” I tell him. “Thanks for a special night. We’ll be okay.”
I want him to know that he doesn’t have to stay here.
We’re not playing house. I get what this is and what it can never be.
But damn if it doesn’t hurt when he stands up, grabs his T-shirt from my floor, and balls it up between his hands.
His feet are bare, and the muscles in his arms flex as he kneads the T-shirt between his long, tattooed fingers.
“All right.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, and his mouth opens as if he wants to say more, but he looks from me to Aurora and back to me, and then he’s gone.
By the time Aurora and I are ready to face the day, she is fussy.
I feel her gums and they seem okay, but I wonder if she’s starting to teethe.
I try to play with her, but we’re both in a mood.
I don’t want to admit that I’m thinking about Savage and last night.
We’ve been through a lot together in the seven and a half months she’s been alive.
Maybe I need to get out of this room where all I see is Savage, his naked body above me, his hands holding my knees open. I have to stop replaying the images and get something productive done today.
Feeling bold, I wander into the front of the compound.
“Well, well, well, look at you.” Stella is yawning behind the bar, a giant travel mug in one hand. “The prettiest lady and baby in this den of thieves.” She smiles at me and gives Aurora a wave.
“Morning, Stella.” I walk up to the bar and set Aurora on my hip.
“You want something? Coffee? Whiskey for the little one?” Stella winks and I know she’s teasing, but I shake my head and don’t really laugh.
“I’m kind of in a mood today,” I tell her. “I was hoping to go out someplace.”
She nods. “You want company or a ride?”
I think about it. I have an idea where I want to go, and I think I’d like to be alone with my daughter.
I packed the laptop in the diaper bag, and I have half a feeling that if I get something done today, I won’t have this vague, nagging mood working its way through my belly.
“A ride?” I say, more of a question than an answer.
“You think someone would mind driving me?”
Stella shakes her head. “Hell no, he won’t mind. He’s in the garage with Viper.”
I’ve never been in the garage, but Stella points the way, and I guess she expects me to go interrupt them and ask. My mouth goes sour for a minute, and I have a flashback to the Hellfires club.
These guys are not like that, I remind myself. Stella wouldn’t send me in there if it wasn’t okay.
I walk up to the door just off the kitchen and twist the knob. Inside, I see gleaming antique cars—sexy, old muscle cars, and vintage hot rods—motorcycles and regular cars, unlike the pickups the guys drive when they’re not on their bikes.
I take it all in silently, but Viper turns the minute the door opens.
He nods at me, but his look isn’t exactly friendly.
“I’m sorry,” I stammer, “I…”
“Yo. Aurora.” Tank waves and makes the high-five motion in the air. “You know what to do.”
Aurora does not, however, know what to do, and she buries her face in my shoulder.
“Sorry to bother you,” I say.
Viper spikes a dark brow up into his forehead and looks from me to Tank. “We’re done here,” he tells me, but it sounds like he just decided that. He turns, and the heels of his boots striking the pristine concrete floor of the garage make the hairs on my arms rise.
I’m uncomfortable interrupting these guys doing whatever they are doing. I’m uncomfortable asking for favors, but the sooner I get to finding a job, the sooner I can get out of all of their hair.
Viper passes by me, looking at Aurora like she’s a contestant in the world’s strangest animal contest, and then heads back into the compound. Tank saunters over to me.
“You need a driver today?” he asks.
“That depends,” I tell him. “Will I be interrupting any big date plans?”
Tank frowns. “I don’t think she’s into me,” he grumbles. “I think I’ve been fucking friend-zoned.”
“You sure about that?” I ask. “You want to tell me what happened?”
He nods and heads out of the garage. As he passes me, he holds out his arm for my diaper bag. “I got that,” he says. “Car seat is still in my truck. You know, it’s funny, because…”
He’s telling me about the girl he’s seeing, but the minute we walk back into the compound, I feel a set of deep brown eyes on me.
Savage is freshly showered, his hair is swept back from his face and tied down with a worn red bandana, and he’s got well broken-in blue jeans on with a thin white tank top.
He watches me as I walk past him, his face an unreadable mask. I can’t tell if he’s angry or confused. And that just drives home the point even more.
I don’t really know him.
But everything we shared comes crashing into my heart at full speed. I give him a thin smile, look away from his beautiful brown eyes, and follow Tank to the parking lot.
Neither one of us says a word.
I’m sitting at my usual table at the diner.
I’ve got my laptop open, and I’m trying to tap away at the keys.
How do you write a résumé when you don’t have an address?
I don’t think anyone will know my phone is just a burner, but I don’t honestly know.
Is it a real number? If someone Googles it or Googles me, what will they find?
I sip my coffee and try to appease Aurora with smiles and cups of juice, but it’s as if, today, absolutely nothing is going to be easy.
I have to bounce Aurora on my lap, let her crawl around in the booth, and finally, I have to get up and leave everything at the table and trust that no one will steal my stuff.
Aurora doesn’t want to play or eat, and I don’t think she’s tired. I run a finger along her gums again, and I can feel a sharpness in one spot, but maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.