Chapter 10
Chapter ten
Hudson
It’s been two weeks since I was released from the hospital, and some days are still a battle.
I have to admit that my dark thoughts aren’t as intense as before, thanks to therapy and the new medication Cull’s dad put me on.
Things feel more like a dull whisper instead of the perpetual screaming that I’d grown used to.
When things become too heavy, I call my therapist, Maria.
Currently, I see her three times a week, but she’s made herself available whenever I need extra support.
She’s been a godsend, if I’m being honest. She listens without judgment, not offering empty promises, but actual ways to fight my demons.
Ironically, it’s been easier spilling my darkest thoughts to a total stranger than it ever was to the people closest to me.
I wish I had listened to my parents and Dr. Anderson the many times they suggested it. I could’ve saved myself and them so much grief if I’d realized how badly I needed the help instead of letting myself keep falling.
But that’s in the past. All that matters now is I’m trying.
One good thing is my sling is finally gone.
My shoulder is getting better, but there is still a lingering ache deep in the tissue, and extending it too far hurts like hell.
I have physical therapy once a week until they think I’m good enough to do the exercises at home.
I’m working hard to get to that place sooner rather than later.
I’m over all the doctor's appointments.
There's a knock on my door, so I glance over from my desk where I've been trying to make plans for college, since going to Ashbridge still doesn't look like an option.
“Come in,” I call just as the door pushes open. Hadley pokes her head in, bottom lip caught between her teeth. I motion her inside, and she walks over to sit on my bed.
“What’s up?” I ask, noting the small tremor in her hands.
Things are still a little weird between us, even though we’ve both accepted apologies from each other. Hurt lingers on both sides, with the things she said still echoing in my mind sometimes. I’m trying hard to truly forgive her, and I know she’s doing her best to move on.
“What are you doing?” she asks, her voice shaky.
“Just looking through the community college course catalogue. Trying to make plans for this fall since things with Heather and the charges are still up in the air.”
She nods but keeps fidgeting with her fingers.
“Hads, what’s going on?”
She blows out a heavy breath and tightens her ponytail, her knee bouncing. “Heather is kind of what I wanted to talk about.”
My heart stops, my old paranoia crashing back in.
Does Hadley know something she’s never told me?
Hadley must see the panic behind my eyes and hurries to clarify, her hands raised in front of her. “Not Heather directly,” she explains. “You remember the guy I hung out with from that group at the lake?”
My heart rate starts to slow, thankful that we don’t have to talk about the one thing that still makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. “Yeah, I remember. Why?”
“Well… we’ve kept in touch, and he’s asked me out. He has family in the area and will be in town soon.”
I smile. “That’s awesome!” I push back from my desk and sit next to her on the bed. “I’m happy for you, Hads.”
She curls into me as I pull her into a side hug. She looks up at me, her brows furrowed. “You’re not upset?”
Now it’s my turn to furrow my brow. “Why would I be upset?”
“I thought you’d be pissed because he knows Heather. He’s Theo’s roommate at Atlantic Carolina.”
“He goes to the same college you’re going to?” I ask, surprised that it worked out like that.
Her cheeks flush pink as a small smile tugs at her lips. “Yeah, he’s going into his senior year. He’s pre-law.”
“Ohhh, fancy,” I tease, playfully knocking my shoulder into hers.
She laughs, grasping my hand, and angles herself so she’s facing me. “H-how are you and Cullen?” Her eyes flash with vulnerability, but she covers it with her bright smile.
“Hadley, we don’t have to talk about him,” I tell her. The last thing I want to do is make things weird between us again.
She sighs, looking down at our locked hands. “Hud, when was the last time we just talked? Like, really talked? Other than the hospital?”
The shift in topic throws me off a little, but I answer her anyway. “I honestly can’t remember.”
It hits me full force how far we’ve drifted apart. We used to be so close. The epitome of twins. Things changed when Hadley and Cull started dating and all my issues began.
“I-I want us to be able to be Haddie and Huddy again,” she admits, her voice so sad that it cracks my heart wide open.
It’s been years since either of us referred to the other by our childhood nicknames.
Mom and Dad used to claim that Haddie and Huddy were our alter egos because we always managed to get ourselves into trouble.
Hadley rests her head against my shoulder, her shuddering intake of air letting me know she’s fighting tears.
I kiss the top of her head before gently resting my cheek against her hair.
Her asking how Cull and I are doing is her way of bridging the gap that we’ve created.
I know it probably hurts, but I want nothing more than to have my sister back.
I’m ready for all the bad shit to stay in the past.
“Cull and I are good.”
She huffs. “That’s all I’m going to get? Just good?”
“Trust me, Hads. You don’t want details.” I snort, her baby hairs tickling my nose.
She pulls away, her face scrunched. “I didn’t want those details. Although I can guess what it’s like… personal experience and all.” She smirks and fans herself, clearly trying to playfully push my buttons.
“Yup, okay. We’re done,” I laugh, hopping up from the bed, heat creeping up my cheeks.
Hadley falls back, her giggle infectious. “Okay, okay. I won’t pry.” She sits back up, smiling. “Hey, I have an idea.”
I straddle my computer chair and rest my arms across the back. “I’m all ears.”
“Why don’t we cook dinner for Mom and Dad? I think it would be nice to do something for them after… everything that’s happened.” She winces a little. The last few months have been rough for all of us.
“That’s a great idea,” I say, enthusiasm filling me. “I think we’ve probably been a little more Huddy and Haddie the last few months than we realized.”
She stands and follows me from my bedroom, laughing. “You’re probably right. We’ve not made anything easy for them.”
I like this lightness. It’s been absent between Hadley and me for too long.
We get to the bottom of the stairs and I grab my shoes, shoving my feet inside. “Let’s run to the grocery store and see what we can throw together. You know the only thing I can make is mashed potatoes.”
“Is that what those lumpy things at Thanksgiving were?”
I scowl, but she just winks at me.
“Better than the runny deviled eggs you made,” I grumble, grabbing my keys from the bowl in the foyer.
She laughs again, taking my jab in stride.
Hads pulls open the front door and steps out, me right on her heels.
“Well, no one ate either, so I guess we both lost.”
“You’re probably right. Maybe we should just order dinner and transfer it all into Mom’s nice dishes,” I suggest.
Hadley pauses while she considers. “So we are gonna pull a Mrs. Doubtfire?”
My booming laugh echoes in the yard, recalling our favorite movie when we were kids. “That’s exactly what we will do, except I’m not dressing up as an old Scottish lady.”
Her face softens as she reaches for my hand. “And all of humanity breathes a sigh of relief.”
There is a beat of stunned silence before Hadley’s smile cracks wide, running away from me.
“You’re such a little shit!”
I chase her in a circle in our front yard, our laughs tangling with our playful banter. When I finally snag her around the waist, she squeals, going limp in my arms, her dead weight too much for me to hold up.
I let her drop to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
She lands with a harsh “oomph,” giggling harder than I’ve seen in a long time. She lies back in the grass, arms and legs splayed, her smile all teeth.
I fall onto the grass beside her, mimicking her position.
We lay there without talking, cicadas buzzing high in the trees while the late afternoon sun soaks through my T-shirt into my skin. Hadley’s shoulder presses against mine, warm and solid.
For a few seconds, everything inside me quiets.
Then my chest tightens.
The silence suddenly feels too big, too fragile, like one wrong thought could shatter the moment.
My pulse stutters unevenly in my ears. My fingers tingle.
I drag in a breath and hold it.
One, two, three, four.
When I let it out, Hadley’s fingers slide through mine. She inhales with me this time, her thumb pressing gently against my knuckles four slow beats at a time until my heartbeat stops trying to outrun itself.
“I’m sorry, Huddy,” she whispers.
“What for?” I turn my head just as a tear slips into her hairline.
“For not noticing.” Her voice wobbles. “You were ‘sick’ all the time, and I just…” She shakes her head. “I was too wrapped up in myself to look closer.”
I brush the tear away with my thumb before another can follow it. “I didn’t want another person worrying about me, Hads.”
Her eyes find mine. “Worrying about you is part of loving you,” she says softly. “Please don’t ever try to stop us from loving you.”
Something in my chest pulls tight at that.
“I’m trying not to,” I admit quietly.
“And I’m trying to be better.” Her fingers squeeze mine harder. “I know I said awful things before, but I swear to you, Hudson, I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I never meant them.”
I push myself upright and pull her with me. She folds into my arms instantly, holding on so tightly it almost hurts.
“Hads,” I murmur into her hair. “We can’t keep living in the past.”
She sniffles against my shoulder. “I know.”
“If we keep looking behind us, then we will miss all the good that is ahead of us.”
When she pulls back, her eyes are glassy. “You really believe that?”
I think about our parents. About Cullen. About this moment in the grass with my sister laughing like we were kids again.
“Yeah,” I say. “I do.”
Hadley stares at me for another second before dramatically scrubbing beneath her eyes. “Okay,” she exhales, “enough crying before my mascara ruins my whole face.”
I snort and jump to my feet, brushing grass and dirt off my ass. “And she’s back.”
Hadley rolls her eyes as I grab her by the hands and haul her up next to me.
“Mom and Dad will both be home soon. Why don’t we just order some pizzas and load up a movie on the TV and we can all veg and relax tonight?”
“Mrs. Doubtfire?” Hadley asks hopefully, hands clasped under her chin.
My brow raises, a smirk pulling up on the side of my face. Hadley’s eyes light up, recognition sparking her own smile.
We inhale at the same time and from the top of our lungs shout, “Help is on the way, dear!” in our best, worst Scottish accent, before we explode in a fit of laughter.
Somewhere between Hadley shoving at my shoulder and both of us nearly collapsing back into the grass, some broken part of us quietly clicks back into place.