Chapter 3 #2
She felt wobbly on her feet. She reached behind her for the wall, pressing her palm to it as an aid to balance. Was he right?
She blinked, slowly, and then closed her eyes, needing to shut him out for a second.
She tried to put herself back in her shoes as they’d been then.
The sting of his betrayal, the man she’d believed him to be.
He hadn’t made her any promises during their night together, not with words at least, but his body had been devoted to hers, his kisses had seared her soul.
And then he’d disappeared into thin air, back to his marriage. At least, that’s what she’d believed.
Unable to find the words to defend herself, she shook her head. “Do you think I wanted to do this alone? Do you have any idea how hard it’s been?”
“No. I have no idea what it’s been like because you didn’t involve me.” She opened her eyes to find him looking at her as though she were a piece of metal, one he was keen to send to the scrap heap. “You didn’t have to do this alone…”
“So what? I should have told you, even believing it would destroy your marriage?”
“My marriage was my business, not yours.”
“Yes, but I’d seen the respect you held for it – or lack of respect, I should say.
” She lifted a hand up to forestall him.
“I thought I’m seen that. And you can’t blame me for believing what was right in front of me.
The photographs, the articles, everywhere I looked there was incontrovertible proof that you were another woman’s husband.
” She swallowed; her throat felt coarse.
“And when I came here to Italy and saw you together – God, Fiero, my stomach was round with your baby and I stood on the opposite side of the street, and watched you walk out of your house, hand in hand with your wife, and I felt like the worst kind of person in the world. You were married. And she didn’t deserve this.
You made a decision that night. You lied to me –,”
“I told you. My marriage was over.”
“Not so over that I didn’t deserve to know about it,” she snapped, and had the satisfaction of seeing his face flash with something like acceptance.
“None of this was her fault. None of it was my fault. You were the only one who knew the situation. It was hard enough for me to accept and I’d known you for one night; I wasn’t going to ruin her life because of your mistake. ”
“We were separated. As a point of fact, we’d signed the divorce papers. It was almost official. I had every right to do as I wished. Meeting you, going home with you…I didn’t plan that, but nor did I break my vows, Elodie.”
“Except it wasn’t really that simple, was it?
You might have known it was just a one night stand but I didn’t.
” Damn it, her words shook with the shock she’d felt that morning.
“I woke up so happy because for me, that night had been…I was stupid enough to think it meant something.” She glared at him to erase the impression of sadness; she was stronger than that, better than that. It had been three years ago.
“It did mean something.” His expression was like stone but his words robbed her of breath. “It was a one night stand but you were…” he paused, searching for words. “I cannot reconcile the woman I met that night to this woman, to someone who would actively hide a child from his father.”
“I did no such thing!” She swore, shaking her head.
“Did you mean to punish me, Elodie? Was that it? I hurt your feelings because I didn’t stay to make you breakfast…”
“No!” She shook her head vehemently, interrupting him. “If I wanted to punish you, don’t you think I would have delighted in storming into your life and breaking up your perfect marriage? Don’t you think I would have relished making things difficult for you?”
“So you hid my son from me as, what? A favour?”
“Don’t be so facile. I didn’t hide him from you.
” She jutted her chin out defiantly, even when her ribs felt as though they were cracking all over again from the sheer strength of her heart’s beating.
“It was always my intention that he would know the truth about you one day, and yes, later, when the sting of your betrayal was watered down by time, I thought you and your wife could learn about our son, and that it might not destroy her in the way it otherwise might have.” As it had destroyed Elodie, for a long time.
His eyes narrowed. “How compassionate you are. To raise a child on your own merely to spare another woman’s feelings? A woman you didn’t know, and didn’t owe anything to?”
She gasped. “Only a cold-hearted bitch wouldn’t feel some kind of responsibility to her. I slept with her husband! True, I had no way of knowing that at the time, but are you kidding me? Never in my life would I have chosen to be ‘the other woman’.”
“You weren’t.” He compressed his lips, his features like stone. “As you would have discovered at the time, if you’d given me even a hint of the consideration you gave Alison, I was all but divorced.”
“So why not tell me that? Why put it off?” She demanded, crossing her arms over her chest, goading him. “Why sign the papers and not file them?”
His skin paled momentarily and she thought, for a second, she’d caught him out in a lie.
“My grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer, a week after we agreed to split. He was very old-fashioned – mired in a bygone era. Neither Alison nor I wanted to put him through the additional pain of our divorce. Not when we knew he didn’t have long.
Not when he’d already endured so much.” He swallowed, angling his face away and sucking in a deep breath of air so his broad chest shifted and her eyes dropped of their own accord to the action. “Yaya was another consideration.”
“Yaya?”
“Grandma. She’s Greek.” His expression tightened. “She’s good and kind and she was facing the imminent death of the man she married when she was fifteen years old. The last thing I wanted was to add to her worries with a divorce.”
Her heart, soft to a fault, ached for him and his loss, but she was defensive too. Hurting for herself and for the years she’d spent blaming herself for that night, wondering if she missed some clue as to his state of matrimony.
“I thought you were married.” She bit down on her lower lip. “In hindsight, I wish now – obviously – that I’d found a way to talk to you. But I didn’t know then what I do now. I’m sorry.”
His eyes whipped to hers. “You’re sorry?”
His fury was unexpected. She bristled.
“You think you can say ‘sorry’ and I will just smile and accept it?”
“What else can I do?” She whispered, tears forming in her eyes. “I wanted Jack to know both of his parents. Believe me, I have wanted that all along.”
“How can I believe that, when the evidence is completely to the contrary?”
She opened her mouth to plead her case again but he slashed his hand through the air, silencing her with the emphatic gesture.
“Basta. Enough. No more excuses. I will accept that you thought you were doing the right thing, that there was perhaps even a hint of nobility in your decisions, even when you knew you were keeping him from me. You were wrong, completely wrong, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt, as to your motivations.”
She felt her eyes itching to roll, but she held his gaze through his tirade.
“It does not change the fact that I have missed two years of his life. It doesn’t change the fact that I am his father and that I deserve everything you have had these past two years.”
His words did something funny to her insides. “You’re saying you want to be involved in his life?”
His laugh was completely devoid of humour.
“I’m saying I’m going to be his life.” He paced across the room, moving away from her but his words seemed to bring him closer somehow.
“I have had custody papers drawn up while you’ve been in hospital.
Jack will remain here in Italy, with me.
I will be solely responsible for his health and well-being, his upbringing.
You will get the same courtesy from me now as I have received from you.
In two years, we can talk and see if you still feel so righteous in the choices you made. ”
Nausea crushed her from the inside out. She shook her head and tears filled her eyes. “No, Fiero. No. That’s not fair.”
“Fair? You want to speak to me of ‘fair’?”
“I’ve told you I’m sorry. Surely you can see why –,”
“I see a boy who calls me Fiero,” he growled. “Who knows nothing about me or my family, knows nothing of Italy. I see a boy who is my spitting image and yet I am a stranger to him.”
Her gut twisted painfully. She sobbed. “I know that. But please, listen to what you’re saying. You’re hurt and you’re angry but taking him from me isn’t the answer.”
“It feels like it is,” he snapped.
“That’s because you’re angry,” she whispered, the words strangled by her tears. “You’re acting out of that emotion, rather than in our son’s best interests. You’re his father and that means putting aside whatever the hell you feel and using your head to choose what’s right for him.”
“Oh, as you did, when you chose to raise him away from me?”
She swallowed. “Yes. Damn it. I didn’t want him growing up believing himself to be the cause of your marriage breakdown. And I definitely didn’t want him being raised by you and Alison, a woman who may very well have hated him – given that he’s proof of your infidelity.”
A muscle jerked in his jaw. Elodie felt as though she was drowning and yet she knew she had to stay calm. To engage her brain and think logically, even as her world was catching fire.
“We’ve both made mistakes,” she warned him carefully. “But this would be the biggest of all. My mistake was one of ignorance. This would be a mistake you wilfully choose, and he will grow to hate you for it.”
Fiero’s eyes flashed with something that – were it not for their antagonistic setting – she might have mistaken for respect. But it was gone again, just as quickly.