Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Noah
I watched as Tori inhaled her food. It’s obvious she hasn’t been eating or taking care of herself.
I haven’t been able to stop worrying about her while I was away.
The thought of her back home, suffering, churned me up inside, and when the bus pulled into camp, I didn’t waste a second. I was in my truck, on my way to her.
I cleared the kitchen as she took a shower, and when she emerged, dressed in a sweatshirt that drowned her, one I’d recognize anywhere, my stomach dropped.
Scotty’s sweatshirt.
With damp hair and pink cheeks thanks to her hot shower, I truly see the impact of what his death and the loss of her baby have done to her.
She looks so small and fragile, and my instinct is to swoop her up and fix her.
She looks a far cry from the confident and loud girl who worked behind the bar on base, who always had a smile and eyes that held my attention in a way no other woman was ever able to do.
But when she smiles at me, I know that girl is still in there. Somewhere under the pain, she is in there, and I made a promise to Scotty I’d look after her, so that’s what I shall do.
“Do you need to go, or can you stay for a bit?” she asks, chewing the inside of her cheek in the way she does when she’s nervous.
“I can stay,” I confirm, walking towards the couch. She takes a seat beside me, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her chin on them.
I swallow thickly and clear my throat. “Tor, when was the last time you left this apartment?”
She stays silent and shrugs.
“I’m worried about you,” I say quietly as I fiddle anxiously with a loose thread on her comforter.
She stares blankly into the distance as if she is dissociating.
“Hey, look at me,” I say, placing my hand over hers, and my palm tingles at the feel of her silky skin.
“I know it’s hard. Believe me. But he would want you to keep living.”
Her lip quivers as she looks up at the ceiling.
“I just don’t feel like I have anything to live for anymore. We had so many plans, there were so many things he wanted to do that he never got to do, things we were going to do together, and now, it’s all gone.”
Panic floods my veins at hearing her words.
“Tori, you have so much to live for, please don’t say that.” I plead. I hate that she thinks this. “You can still do all those things,” I reassure her.
She shakes her head and uses the sleeve of Scotty’s sweatshirt to wipe her wet cheeks, and a spark of something that feels a lot like jealousy at seeing her wear and comfort herself in his sweatshirt instead of mine steals my focus, and I immediately push the thought away. I had no right to feel that way.
“No, I can’t.”
“Promise me that if you ever feel that way again, you call someone, you call me, and I’ll come running.”
She nods her head quickly.
“Words, Tor. I need to hear you say.”
“I promise,” she says, tone serious.
I reach into my back pocket and pull out the jewelry box I have brought over every time I’ve seen her. Every time I lose my nerve, but today, it feels like she needs it.
Her brows furrow as her focus ping pongs between my eyes and the box I’m holding out.
“What’s this?” she asks.
“Open it.”
She takes it, our fingers brushing, leaving me wanting more.
I’ve hungered for Tori’s touch since the day I met her, but the minute I found out she was Scotty’s girl, that idea was quickly squashed.
I don’t think there’ll ever be a time or a moment where I could ever make her mine, not in this lifetime anyway, and that’s just the way it has to be. Being her friend is all I can ever be.
She opens the box, and she stills. “Noah, it’s…”
“For you. To remind you to keep going even when it all feels uncertain. You might be on a path you never wanted to be on, but you will find your way again.”
I turn the silver compass pendant and point to the words engraved on the back. “Memento vivere.”
She looks at me with curious eyes.
‘It’s Latin. It means, remember to live.”
She slides her hand in mine, and the warmth of her skin makes my own heat.
“Thank you. No one’s ever gotten me anything as thoughtful as this.”
I brush the pad of my thumb over the back of her hand, feeling the weight of her emotions. I promised to look out for her, and if this small token helps as a daily reminder, then I know Scotty would be happy.
She takes it out of the box and hands it to me.
“Would you mind?” she asks softly.
She turns away, gathering her damp hair in one hand, exposing her delicate neck.
I place the chain around and fasten it, before I rest my hand on her exposed skin without thinking.
She gasps under my touch, and I know I should move my hand, but I can’t because being this close to her feels like the most natural thing in the world.
She turns her head slowly, my hand falling away.
“Thank you.” She says as she faces me and I watch as her chest rises and falls at the same pace mine. Is she as affected by this closeness as me?
There’s something in the air that I can’t decipher, and I need to change it, so I clear my throat and say, “Tell me what you were going to do, what he wanted to do.”
She sniffs. “So much. Cliff diving, running a marathon, horseback riding through the mountains, naked.”
I burst out laughing, knowing that was such a Scotty thing to want to do.
She lets out a small laugh and continues, “Karaoke, make your own wine, skydiving. So many things I can’t face doing alone. “
I link our fingers, and when I stroke my thumb over the back of hers, I realize how intimate the gesture is, but she doesn’t pull away.
“I’ll help you,” I offer.
“You’ll what?” she asks, confusion in her tone.
“I’ll help you complete the list. We’ll call it Scotty’s life list.” A flicker of hope spreads across her face.
“You’d do that for him? You’d help complete his list?’
“Yeah, I’d do anything for him…”
I move a little closer, and like a habit I can’t seem to stop when I’m around her, I act before thinking, cupping her jaw.
“And you. I’d do anything to help you, Tor.”
A beat passes, and I should pull away, but I don’t, and she doesn’t either. I think about how good it would feel to kiss her right now, how easy it would be to meld my mouth with hers and taste her, give her a reason to fight, to give life another go.
“Live a full life, Tor, then, when you get to see him again, you can tell him all about it.”
“Thank you,” she whispers, snapping me back to the present moment and stopping me from crossing that line; one I know I’d regret because Tori isn’t mine, could never be. She will forever be Scotty’s.
“We’ll do it together,” I confirm. “When I can, I’ll be here to support you, Tor, but I need you to try. I need you to fight. Can you do that for me?’
She nods.
“Words, Tor, I need to hear the words.”
“I’ll try, Noah. For you, for Trent, for me, I’ll fight.”
She wraps her arms around me, taking me by surprise, and I hold her tightly to my chest, inhaling her scent of cocoa butter and brown sugar as I nestle my nose into her damp hair.
She feels like safety; she feels like home.