Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tori
Guilt. A feeling I am all too familiar with.
I’ve always thought… but grief and guilt come hand in hand, like an unwanted pair.
I circle my index finger over the stitching of the comforter trying to make sense of what we did.
Noah lies beside me, sleeping peacefully, while I’ve barely slept.
I spent the night battling my feelings, flitting between emotions.
I like Noah. I like Noah a lot. He understands me in a way no one else does.
I like who I am when I’m with him. But would we be who we are if Trent hadn’t happened?
Were we just two people who were pushed together due to grief?
Was this trauma bonding or true feelings?
But how could I fall for the best friend of my dead boyfriend?
What kind of person could do that? What would people think?
How can something that feels so right also feel so wrong?
My heart races in my chest, and the urge to flee grows.
I need to get out of here. I need space.
This is all my fault. I’ve leaned on Noah for too long, and it led me to his bed.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly heal if I am attached to him.
I slide out of bed, pick up my scattered clothes, and head to my room through the adjoining door. I’ll call Noah from the airport. I just need to get out of here and clear my head.
I find my suitcase that I didn’t even get around to unpacking and search for my purse and phone to call a cab, but his voice startles me.
“Were you just going to leave without saying goodbye?” I spin on my heel to see Noah standing in the doorway wearing only his jeans, his face full of pain.
“I’m sorry,” I say weakly.
“Are you fucking serious? You were just going to run after what we did, like it meant nothing?” he yells.
I wince at his words and the anger in his tone.
He takes a step toward me, and I take a step back.
“Noah, I have to go. I can’t be here right now.”
He shakes his head. “So, you’re just going to run?”
I shrug. “I’m just confused,” I yell back. “I don’t know how to feel, Noah. I don’t know what I want. I don’t think I’m ready for all this.”
“Well, I know what I want, Tor.”
I gesture my hands toward him. “What, what do you want?” I ask.
“You.” He says the word with ease and confidence. “I want you to be mine.”
I stand motionless and stunned. “You don’t mean that,” I say.
“Yes, I do, I am in lo—”
“Stop, please, please don’t finish that sentence,” I shout over him, not ready to hear what he has to say.
“Tori, I can’t help how I feel.”
“It’s not right,” I yell over him.
“Forget what’s right. Most things in this life aren’t right, Tor. I don’t regret last night, so please don’t run. Please don’t regret us.”
“Noah, this is messed up. This…” I gesture between us, “isn’t real. It’s trauma bonding. We’re only together because of Trent. He would—”
Noah interrupts. “Would want us to be happy.”
“With each other?” I ask, giving him a knowing look. “This isn’t love, Noah. This is two people trying to cope with losing someone we both loved very much. It’s not healthy for either of us. You don’t want me.”
And the way his shoulders sag and defeat flickers over his features, I know my words are sinking in.
A tear rolls down my cheek, and I feel my heart shattering.
“And you are wrong; I wanted you before I knew you were Scotty’s.” His confession knocks the wind from my lungs.
All this time?
“What?” I stare at him waiting for his answer, but he says nothing.
“Noah, what do you mean by that?” I ask again.
“It doesn’t matter. Forget it,” he mumbles. “You’ve made your decision anyway.” He gestures at my suitcase.
I take a step toward him, taking his hands in mine, hating what I’m about to say, but I know it’s for the best.
“I have leaned on you for too long, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, and for that I will forever be grateful to you. But I think it’s time I stand on my own two feet and finish his life list by myself.”
He brings our connected hands to his lips and presses a kiss to mine.
“I don’t want you to go. I want to help you. We’re good together, Tori. You can’t tell me you don’t feel it too.”
I wipe the tears from my cheeks, the pain in his voice making me sick to my stomach. He deserves so much more than what I can give him right now.
“I don’t know what I feel, Noah. I am so confused right now. I need to figure out who I am. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being Trent’s girlfriend, a widow, whatever people want to call me.”
I press a kiss to his hand, the same way he did with mine.
“And I need to learn to live again on my own, and I can’t do that if I keep letting you save me.”
The pained expression on his face is almost enough to make me take back everything I just said, because walking away from him is more painful than I thought it would be.
He cups the back of my head and presses a kiss to my forehead.
“Then you need to go,” he murmurs. “Go live your life, Tor, and when you are done living, or if you ever change your mind, and you are ready to fall in love again and trust that not every love story ends in heartbreak, come back and maybe, fall in love with me.”
I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight, like it might be the last time I ever do. “Thank you. F, for everything.” I whisper into his neck. “Look after yourself, okay?” I say through tears.
He clings to me tightly and speaks words so softly into my ear that I know they will be impossible to forget.
“Amor Fati, Look it up and never forget it.”