Chapter Forty-Seven
Tori
I stare mindlessly down at the salad I’m chopping, repeating the words Bane said in my head.
Wow, you’re really keeping it in the military family, huh?
Is there space between your legs for another soldier?
Between his comments and Kara’s judgmental looks, they confirmed everything I feared. People will judge our relationship, will judge me for hopping into bed with Trent’s best friend, despite how long it’s been.
Noah comes up behind, slides his hands around my waist, and nestles his face into my neck.
“You’ve been quiet since we got back. What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”
Without meaning to, I shrug him off and instantly regret it.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, worry in his tone.
“Nothing.” I huff.
“Is this about what Bane said at the store?” I carry on chopping the lettuce and shrug. “Bane’s a prick. Don’t let him get in your head. Who cares what he thinks?”
I slam the knife down on the wooden board and turn to face Noah. “But it won’t just be him, will it? It was also Kara. Who’ll be next?” I shout,
“Does it matter what he or anyone thinks?” I chew the inside of my cheek and look down at the floor. “Tori.” His tone is firm, and my fight or flight response kicks in.
“Don’t let people who love nothing more than a bit of town gossip ruin this.” He gestures between us.
This? But what even is this?
He cages me in and tries to get me to look at him, but the beat of my heart thunders in my ears, and I need to get out of this kitchen.
“I need to go,” I declare and head for the back door, needing some air to catch my breath. Noah is hot on my heels and follows me to the backyard.
“Are you running again? You’re getting pretty good at that,” he calls out as he chases me. I spin on my heel and face him.
“Noah, please don’t,” I beg, feeling like I’m fighting with my racing thoughts and the need for my next breath.
“Don’t what, Tori? Say it how it is? That when shit gets hard, you run.” His words feel like a slap to the face, and I flinch.
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I say, my lip quivering.
“Then what are you doing?” His eyes are wild, and I can see the pain I’m causing.
“I don’t know, Noah, I’m just…”
“What Tori, what?” he yells, nostril flared, and I want to fold into him and get him to erase the past few hours, but there’s no avoiding this conversation now. Not if I want this to work. It needs to happen; we have been running from it for too long.
“Scared. I’m scared,” I scream, throwing my hands up in the air.
“Of what?”
“Everything,” I say on an exhale. “Of how I feel, what people think, I—”
He cuts me off with words that slice me in ways I never expected. “I’m never going to be enough for you, am I?” He sounds defeated, and I have never hated myself more than in this moment. Knowing I’ve made this man think he wasn’t enough for me.
“Noah, you’re everything, I just…” I reach for him, but he takes a step back, holding his hands up in surrender.
“I can’t keep doing this, this back and forth. It’s breaking me,” he confesses, dragging a hand down his face. “When I let you go the first time, it hurt like hell. But I did it, because I thought it’s what you wanted, what you needed to move on and find yourself again.”
Tears fall down my cheeks as his words strike a chord inside of me.
“I thought if I gave you space, you would figure out what you wanted, that maybe it was me who you wanted, but you still don’t know, do you?”
I take a step forward, bracing myself for his rejection, but he doesn’t move. He allows me to enter his personal space, and I swallow the thick lump in my throat, deciding it’s now or never.
“I do know what I want,” I say as confidently as I can muster.
“Then what. What do you want, Tor? Because I could easily tell you what I want.”
Come on, Tori, tell him.
He turns on his heel, and I think he’s about to head back inside the house. I begin to follow but then he turns again, pacing towards me with a fire in his eyes and the pain I’ve caused him etched all over his face. My stomach sinks, and the threat of tears burns my eyes.
“Since the moment you walked into that bar, I wanted you, and it crushed me to learn you were tied up with Scotty. I buried those feelings so deep into my fucking soul I thought I’d never have a chance to explore them, and I haven’t been able to look at anyone the way I look at you.
But then we lost him, and we grew closer, and all those feelings crawled out of that box.
It fucked with my head, because I don’t think you have ever wanted me the same way I want you.
Do you have any idea how much it hurts to want someone who is still in love with the ghost of someone else? ”
I shake my head as his words seep into my veins and embed in my soul.
I step closer, so now we are chest to chest, “You’ve got it all wrong.”
“Then enlighten me, Tori,” he says on a ragged breath.
“I do…” I stop and swallow. “I did love him, Trent… But not like I love you.”
Shock flickers across his face, “You love me?”
I nod. “Yes, I have loved you for longer than I think I’ve realized, and I feel guilty for saying this, but I wish I had met you first. I feel guilty for loving you differently from how I loved him.
I thought he was it, my one, and then I met you.
You know me in ways that no one else ever has.
You know what I need before I need it. You changed everything. ”
I fist the fabric of his tee.
“So, ask me again, Noah. Ask me what I want.”
He cradles my face in his hands, brushing his thumbs along my trembling jaw. “What do you want, Tor?”
I lean into his touch, covering his hands with mine. “You, just you.”
His lips crash down on mine in a bruising kiss, and I whimper.
“You have no fucking idea how long I’ve waited for you to choose me.”
In a moment of raw honesty, I admit my biggest fear, because if we are going to do this, then we need to lay all our cards out on the table. “But I’m so scared to love you, Noah. I can’t live that life again. It nearly cost me my own. If I lost you,” My voice cracks, and he pulls me closer.
“You’re not going to lose me, I promise you,” he tries to reassure, but he can’t.
“You can’t promise me that.”
“Then have faith that I’ll never leave you. Wherever I go, I’ll always find my way back to you.”
My chest tightens, like taking another breath is impossible. The thought of losing him is too much for me to comprehend.
“I want to, but I’m so scared,” I confess, our mouths just inches apart.
“Then I’ll quit.”
I pull back to look at him. “What?”
“I’ll leave special forces, leave this town. We’ll go wherever you want to go. You’re the reason I want to stop running, so please let me be the reason you want to stay.”
“Noah, I can’t ask you to give that all up for me.”
“You’re not. I want to. Tori, the only reason I didn’t leave when the guys did was because I couldn’t get over you. I had to keep away, keep moving, because when I stopped all I could think about was you.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and cling to him, like he might run away. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”
“If everything we’ve been through meant it led to this, I’d fight in every war just to get to you. I’d do it all over again and then give it all up if it meant I got to have you at the end. I love you, Tori. Always have, always will.”
He loves me, he’s always loved me.
“I love you too,” I say on a gasp, and then he kisses me, stealing my breath and tearing the last shred of my fear.
When he pulls away, he asks, “So, we are doing this, you and me?” I nod, with a smile so wide it feels like my face might crack. “Yes, we’re doing this.”