Chapter 56
Chapter Fifty-Six
Noah
I’m going to have a daughter. We are having a baby girl. One, I hope and pray I am around to see grow up.
Yesterday was full of hope and joy. Watching Tori’s face as we FaceTimed our friends and family to share our news was a moment I’ll cherish forever.
the happiness that poured from her has made what I’m about to do more unbearable, but I can’t avoid it any longer.
I have to leave in less than a month, and keeping this from her has been killing me slowly.
But I did it for her. I didn’t want anything to compromise the pregnancy.
I know how crucial and precious those early weeks were.
She was anxious and stressed enough. I didn’t want to add to her plate.
If she wasn’t pregnant, I would have told her straight away, but I wanted to protect and let her live in her happy bubble for as long as she could.
So, I suffered silently for both of us, to save her more heartache.
But this secret had an expiry date, and now we’ve reached it.
I just pray she understands why I waited to tell her.
I didn’t sleep. I felt sick to my stomach.
I watched her dream peacefully and kept my hand on the small swell of her stomach that housed our growing daughter, crushing my own heart piece by piece as the reality of not watching her belly grow much more, or feel the first kicks, and maybe even miss the birth, comes crashing down on top of me.
This wasn’t how this was supposed to be.
Tori stirs, rolling onto her back, and she smiles when she catches me looking at her.
“Good morning,” she says on a yawn, and I press a kiss to the top of her head.
“Good morning, darlin’.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
She pushes herself up to a seated position and rubs her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I say, avoiding her eyes.
She cups my face, forcing me to look at her.
This is it. I need to do it. Rip the band aid off.
But knowing how much this will hurt her kills me.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to leave her and our unborn baby.
I have done everything I can to get out of this deployment, but my hands are tied.
The only saving grace is knowing this will be the final time I have to leave them.
I just pray my feet stay lucky for one final time and I get back to them safely.
“Noah, please, what’s wrong?” she asks, stroking her thumbs across my stubbled jaw.
I match her movements, cupping her face and pressing my forehead to hers. “I have to go away.” My words are barely a whisper, and she flinches.
“W-what do you mean?” he stammers.
“They need me for one last trip. It’s something we have been working towards for a long time. I tried to get out of it, believe me, but I…” She pulls away, giving me a haunted look that slices through me.
She shakes her head. “No, no, you can’t.” Her lip quivers.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t want to go, believe me,” I tell her, my tone desperate, needing her to believe me.
“How long?”
I sniff and clear my throat. “They said to prepare for six months,” I admit. She gasps like the wind has been knocked from her and covers her mouth with a shaky hand. I have never hated my job or myself more than at this moment.
“No, no, I can’t do this,” she says hysterically, throwing back the comforter, climbing out of bed, and pacing the room. I’m up and beside her, trying to calm her.
“Hey, hey, baby, listen to me. You can do this. We can do this.”
She shakes her head rapidly. “No, no, I can’t, Noah.
I can’t do all that again. I can’t do this alone, I can’t be without you.
I can’t…” Her voice breaks, and she sucks in a sharp breath.
“I can’t say goodbye to you, not knowing if I’ll ever see you again.
I can’t do that anymore. Not now, not now we have…
” She places her hands over her swollen belly and closes her eyes. “Her.”
“I know, darlin’, and I don’t feel like I can either, but my hands are tied,” I say, defeated.
“How long have you known?” she demands angrily.
I stay silent.
“How long, Noah?” she screams, and I flinch at her words.
“About six weeks,” I say, the words leaving my throat on a pained breath. My entire body thrums with pain, with the agony I am putting her through.
“What? Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve been lying to me for weeks. You said everything was going to be fine. You said you were staying,” she yells, stepping away from me, heading for the door.
“I’m sorry, I…” She holds up her hands as a barrier between us, and I panic.
“I’m not doing this,” she declares, reaching for the handle, but I slam my hand against the wooden door as she tries to wrench it open.
“I can’t let you go. We need to talk about this.”
“Noah, let me go.”
My stomach twists in agony. She can’t leave, can’t walk away.
“I can’t. Please let me explain.” My voice sounds strained.
“Noah, move, please.” She sobs, and the desperation in her voice has me moving and I watch as she flees feeling like I’ve lost her. I broke my promise. I told her I’d never leave her, and here I am leaving her when she needs me the most.