Chapter 29
CHAPTER 29
Lauren
T he next day goes almost the same as yesterday. And the next day, and the next. While my days are uneventful, my nights are terrifying. Yalix is haunting me, taunting me and I wake up screaming for D’Var more than once every night. It leaves me tired, so tired. But Kepti is effortless in her feeding me, making me walk, and talking to me.
Eventually she wears me down and I start talking back. Start listening to what she is saying. I still feel like a ghost of the woman I was before he left, but every day Kepti manages to bring me back to myself a little bit more.
Everywhere we go, T’Rak is close. Walking with us, he even joins us at meals. I secretly think he is also sleeping at Kepti’s house somewhere, making sure he protects me as best as he can, I am beginning to like his silent presence.
The first days, Kepti hovered over me like a mother hen, but eventually she leaves me alone. T’Rak is always close though, ever my silent companion.
Today I have questions. Questions I need answers to, I think T’Rak can give me.
“Walk with me?” I ask him, nodding his agreement he follows me.
We walk for a bit and subconsciously I take us to the clearing where D’Var left me, brokenhearted and alone. I move to sit on one of the logs and I motion T’Rak to sit next to me.
“Why did he go, T’Rak? I really, really don’t understand.”
“He went because he had to, L’Ren,” he says then remains quiet.
“What is that supposed to mean? I turn towards him, put my hands at my sides, my eyes spitting fire and I mimic his low voice: “Because he had to. Bullshit.”
“Bull-shit?” T’Rak repeats and I groan. I know some words don’t translate well, but this one has very annoying timing.
“It means crap, nonsense.”
“Like what you are saying?” I glare at him, but he seems unmoved. Then he sighs.
“We are warriors, L’Ren. We are protectors first and above anything else. The Warriors of Arracate have always been protectors of their piece of the galaxy. It is in our blood, the stars made us that way. When we find our mate, the protectiveness only heightens. It becomes all we can think about for the first period. She needs to be safe, if she is safe, she needs to be cared for, once she is cared for she needs to be loved.”
I have never heard T’Rak speak so many words.
“You are not safe, L’Ren.”
I open my mouth to protest, but he gives me a stern look.
“You are not safe. You were a captive when he found you. Then you could not bear to suffer his proximity, to feel his touch. When he finally found a way he could help you, you were taken.”
I blink. I did not think of the past weeks like that. I swallow trying to speak, but T’Rak is not finished.
“You were taken, L’Ren. Taken from right under his nose. While he should have been keeping you safe, you were taken. All your words about how it was not his fault will do him no good, because it was his fault. He cannot trust it will not happen again, because it already happened. You are still not safe.”
Tears are streaming down my face again and I look at T’Rak.
“Why didn’t he take me with him?” I ask with a small voice.
T’Rak looks at me with a sympathetic look.
“He cannot, L’Ren. He cannot risk letting you in the vicinity of Yalix, because where you are concerned, he cannot think straight. He must be focused to make a quick death of Yalix and his accomplices. Also so they do not know he is there. It is the fastest way for his time come back to you.”
I tremble. Is he truly doing this for me? To keep me safe?
“Does he love me?” I bite my lip as the question spills, afraid to look T’Rak in his eyes.
“Look at me, L’Ren,” T’Rak says and I look at him, feeling my eyes water again.
“D’Var loves you more than anything or anyone he has ever loved before. It is a love that cannot be expressed in words. What he feels for you has been written in the stars and has been growing ever since he led eyes on you. He never spoke of it, and I am certain he has better words than I do. But you can see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at you and takes care of you. ”
T'Rak continues: “What a Warrior feels for his Zarra is unlike anything anybody can ever experience. When he sees her, he is gone. All he can see is her, and she shines for him like the brightest star in the darkest sky.” T’Rak pauses, “Please try to understand, L’Ren. D’Var is doing this for you, because in order to be free to fully care for you and love you, you have to be safe first.”
“Safe,” I whisper.
“Safe,” T’Rak states.
I don’t know how long T’Rak and I spend sitting on that log in that clearing. My heart gathers the pieces I dropped here, gently putting itself back together. With every sigh of resignation, with every shimmer of understanding the bond pulses and I feel a little bit better.
Don’t get me wrong, D’Var is still a dickhead. I will hand him his ass when he returns. But I understand now. I understand why he needs to do this. I wish he would have taken the time to explain and to ease me into it. I sigh. Longing takes over and I am hit by the most intense sensation of missing him.
I can’t wallow in it, I won’t. I need to talk to Kepti. After that, I need to go home, and sleep in my own bed. So, I stand looking at T’Rak.
“Let’s go. I want to go home.” He nods and we walk to Kepti’s house. She is inside, having a cup of tea and I give her a big hug.
“What was that for?” She laughs, making me smile.
“To say thank you, for being there for me, for getting me out of my misery.”
She smiles but it is sad. “I told you I understand.”
I cringe inwardly, I have been so insensitive towards her. She lost her mate, of course she understands. I begin to tell her how sorry I am, but she just cuts me off .
“More importantly, do you understand now?” I lick my lips and I nod.
“Yes, yes, I do. It took me some time, but T’Rak helped me through it.”
“Good,” she nods, then she untangles herself from me and starts putting food on plates.
“Here, eat. You need your strength.”
I fight the desire to roll my eyes, but I do what she says and T’Rak and I sit down with our meal. We chit chat a little bit before I decide I have to rip off the band-aid.
“I am really thankful for all that you did, Kepti. But I have to go home.”
“Home?” she asks, panic edged all on her face. Shoot, she must think I mean Earth.
“The ship,” I clarify and she relaxes for a bit.
“I need to be close to D’Var. To his scent, to his stuff, sleep in our bed.”
Kepti beams a big smile at me and nods approvingly.
“Yes, you should.”
We walk to the ship after dinner, after saying a quick goodnight to T’Rak, I disappear into our room. I know D’Var has set the lock to only open on his or my handprint and I immediately feel safe.
Safe.
Such a small word, but it holds such a big meaning to an Arracate Warrior. I go to the bathroom and freshen up, before I tuck myself into bed, leaving the little light on. I also leave the blinds open, giving me the chance to look at the stars. The nebula is amazing, seeing it like this makes me think of when D’Var took me against the windows and I blush just thinking about it. My core clenches. It’s utterly clear that not only my heart is missing my mate, but my other body parts are also pining for him to come back .
I let the words T’Rak spoke to me swirl through my head, the more I think about it, the more I feel at peace. I think about the words D’Var told me in the days leading up to his departure, I can process them better now. His guilt must have been growing with every reassurance I gave him. Every time I insisted it was not his fault, he must have been innerly chastising himself.
I must make peace with his leaving before he returns. There is still time. I can be pissed, but I have to make peace as well.