Chapter 55
Chapter
Fifty-Five
“Some Alpha you are. Passing out like that. Have some backbone.”
I peeled my eyes open and glared at my sister. “You’re the bottom of your relationship. What would you know about being an Alpha?”
She smirked. “Welcome to the bottom, dear brother. Your bitch ass isn’t doing shit but asking how high when Colton tells you to jump.”
Rolling my eyes, I took a couple of breaths before I looked up at the ceiling.
“I thought I hit rock bottom, Beau. I thought when my dragon taking over when I was drunk out of my mind and fucking Colton when he said no was me hitting rock bottom. How could I possibly be any worse after that? Now…apparently…”
“You reached an eighth level of hell below rock bottom and dragged your mate down with you?”
Putting my arm over my eyes, I really didn’t want my sister to see me cry right now. All I could feel was pain. I wanted to shift my claws and tear my skin off. I felt dirty and disgusting. How many times had she done it? Knowing that I would never want her without everything she did to me.
I was an Alpha. I was supposed to be strong. Ebony was no match. Despite being an Alpha-9 like Keith, Ebony would lose every time pitted against him. She was weak. I was strong. It was supposed to come out with me defeating her.
Instead, she broke and used me. She used me as her plaything and fucked me, knowing I was mated. Seeing the mark on my shoulder. She was sick and evil and vile, and all I could think about was snapping her body in half.
Ebony, in a small way, won. I didn’t feel like an Alpha-10.
Every choice had been taken and twisted to give me only her as an option.
She won. The last thing I wanted was for Colton to touch me.
Let alone be around my mate. I loved him too much.
I loved him so much, and I broke the mate bond.
I broke it and the only thing he should do is kick me out on the curb with nothing.
The door opened to my room and Colton stepped in. Closing my eyes, I shifted and turned away. I could hear him set down the tray, and I hoped he would just leave.
Instead, I felt the bed dip and his hand gently touch my forehead. I wanted to slap it away, but that was more touch and I didn’t want to initiate anything. His hand finally moved, and I breathed out a sigh of relief.
“Your fever’s gone. Do you want something to eat?”
I didn’t answer, just praying for him to leave.
“You need to drink something at least.”
Peeling my eyes open, I spied the glass being dangled in front of my eyes. Taking it in my hand, I nearly spilled it when his hand slipped under my shoulder. He was lifting me to sit up, and I sat up on my own. His hand dropped away as I slipped the water.
Glancing over, he wasn’t looking at me, but moved a plate of food onto the nightstand. “I’ll leave the food here. You need to eat. It’s been too long.”
He got up, still not looking at me. I wanted to reach out when I felt something small through our bond. A flicker of hurt; a pain that was nowhere near the drowning I was currently feeling. It was enough to call out to him.
“Colton, thanks. For the water and food.”
He didn’t turn back, just nodded and closed the door behind him. Beau pulled a book off the shelf and threw it at me. I swatted it away, but the water spilled on the bed.
“Beau!”
“The hell do you think you’re doing?”
I shook my head. “He can’t…after what I did…”
“You’re hurting him! He was almost in tears just now!” Beau pointed to the door. “Colt is over here trying. He’s fucking trying because he loves you and you literally turned your back on him! You have your memories, and you’re still rejecting him?”
Inhaling sharply, I glared at her. “I’m supposed to protect him, Beau.
I love him. With every fiber of my being, and now I’m being told Ebony used me like I was her personal whore?
How could he look at me, let alone touch me?
I can’t even touch myself! All I want to do is peel my skin off.
Peeling every single scale off myself. Dunk myself in acid and honestly, I don’t even know if I would feel clean.
” My anger spilled over. “He felt it! He felt the pain! He knows, and he probably looks at me like I’m a monster. A constant reminder of the pain.”
“Mar, stop. He doesn’t think that.”
“You didn’t see the look on his face. He was so angry and in so much pain. How could I expect forgiveness after this? How could I even think of forgiving myself?”
Beau sat down on the edge of my bed and put her hand on my leg.
“He doesn’t think that. Colt understands more than any of us what position you were put in.
Over and over, he reminded us not to attack you or blame you.
He was the only one keeping the entire family from tearing you to shreds with or without your memory.
” She sighed. “Yes, he’s angry and hurt.
He has every right to be. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand and doesn’t love you.
This complete fiasco has hurt the both of you enough.
It’s going to continue to hurt. The least you could do is not hurt each other in the process. ”
Running my hands over the blue blanket, I reached out and laced my fingers with my sister’s. “I don’t remember it happening, but I almost feel like that’s worse.”
“She violated you, Mar. It’s rape, what she did. If you hadn’t been under the influence, you never would have broken your vow to Colt.”
I let out a single laugh. “He said the same thing.”
“Because he understands. What that asshole Alpha did to him when he was younger…” She shook her head. “If anyone knows what you’re going through, it’s Colt. You need to talk to him.”
My body tensed up, and I looked at my sister. “What?”
Her head cocked to the side for a moment before her eyebrows shot up. “Oh my god, you didn’t know.”
“Colt said he was abusive. That he has scars from before his wolf. He never said…”
“Shit. He’s going to be so pissed at me.” Beau rubbed her forehead. “It’s fine. You know now. The hate and the pain that asshole caused Colt is deep.”
I nodded, my mind reeling. Why hadn’t he told me? The answer to that was easy. I would have said fuck it to the Council and burned the whole pack down myself. I couldn’t in my present condition, but it was still tempting to try.
“Give him a chance, Mar. He’s trying to give you one.” She got up and headed for the door. “Just make sure you grovel on your knees for a while. Roll over. Bark when he tells you to.”
Beau winked and left out my door, not even bothering to close it.
I shook my head, suppressing the urge to groan.
Looking at the plate, there was a sandwich cut in half with some chips on the side.
For a moment, a sense of déjà vu hit me.
Reaching out, I took the plate onto my lap and bit into the sandwich.
I don’t know why I started tearing up, but I did. Colton made this. It wasn’t a recipe my mom made, and it was one of my favorites. My heart cracked open, and I closed my eyes.
There was a time I would have wallowed. I would have taken a couple of years on Dragon Isle.
That was before I had a mate and before everything in my life shifted.
My dragon growled, agreeing with me. We couldn’t be the one running away.
Not to the bottom of the bottle, or to get away to some other country.
I needed to step up and make up for everything.
Finishing the food on the plate, I got up and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the water, but looking in the mirror, I frowned. My hair was longer, falling to the right side of my face. Combing my hands through my hair, I pushed it back. At the very least, it looked like I had shaved recently.
Everything about my face looked older, even my eyes. The person in the mirror had gone through something horrible, but I didn’t know what. My eyes narrowed, and I rubbed my face. Standing up, I cracked my shoulders. It felt like I had been carrying myself with my shoulders slumped forward.
I almost balked when I looked down. My body had changed over the past months.
I’d thought that my clothes were tighter than normal, but my body was altered completely.
For the first time in my life, I had pudge.
A lot of it. It clung to my hips and around my middle. It was even noticeable in my face.
A dark chuckle left me. I couldn’t believe this. I’d let myself go. Without Colton, I really wasn’t myself. Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the shower. I tried to ignore the new curves and scrubbed my skin. It turned red, but it didn’t feel like I was clean.
There was a soft knock on the door, and I turned my head to see Colton standing in the doorway. He wasn’t looking at me, but he leaned against the frame. Putting my face under the water again, I rinsed out the conditioner.
“Did you need something?”
“Are you okay?”
My hands froze on my head. “Yes?”
He hummed for a moment, as if he didn’t believe me. “Don’t scrub so hard. You’ll hurt yourself.”
I turned, but he was already shutting the door behind him. Looking down at my arms, they were bright red. Scoffing, I shook my head. I didn’t realize I was trying to scrub away the feeling that Ebony had touched me. Failing the mate bond was unacceptable. I let out a shiver.
My eyes closed, and I reached out through the mate bond. I felt nothing. Somehow he had felt my emotions without me even realizing what I was doing. I pressed my hand against my chest. Really, I should just feel grateful that I had a chance to stand here and make it right.
Turning off the water, I got out and dried myself off before wrapping a towel around me.
I grabbed a button-up from my closet and some slacks.
The shirt wasn’t nearly as bad as the pants, but trying to button it made me think of the tears Colton shed when he wasn’t able to get his pants on when our hatchling got too big.
I stopped trying for a moment. Kayla. She wasn’t our hatchling anymore.
She was our little dragon. All I could remember were her bright green eyes.
Everything else felt like a blur. My jaw set, and I knew I would need to wait for Colton.
He was in the control of the timing for all of this. I couldn’t push, or I would lose him.
Sucking in my stomach, I buttoned my pants and grabbed my glasses that were on the dresser. Putting them on, I headed down the stairs to the kitchen. Mom looked pleasantly surprised to see me.
“Are you feeling better?”
“A little. I feel a little more normal. Though I don’t know if anything will be normal again.”
She patted my arm. “It will. Just give it some time. He’s stronger than anyone gives him credit for.”
“No kidding.”
“Alright. You need to eat.”
I shook my head. “I ate the sandwich that Colton brought up. Plus, apparently, I let myself go for the past few months.”
My mom giggled, actually giggled. “Partially our fault, but you did weigh in at 292.”
The whine escaped me before I could even hold it back. Was I really two hundred and ninety-two pounds? That was over sixty pounds overweight, even at my bulkiest, which I definitely wasn’t. She laughed, shaking her head.
“Share some of that with Colton. Eva tore him apart the other day, and I think he’s walking around like someone punched him in the gut after that. Sure, he’s listening to her, but he’s also not eating as much as he was before.” Her tone reflected her frustration.
“How much does he weigh?”
Colton stepped into the kitchen at that moment, carrying Kayla. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. She was so big. Not just chunky, because she absolutely was. She had the biggest rolls, but she was big. It made Colton look even smaller holding her.
Her eyes were searching the entire kitchen, taking in everything.
There was a tuft of black hair on her head, and I realized she was the spitting image of me when I was a baby.
The photo of Keith and me hung in my parents’ wing.
She seemed like a copy taken from the photo, just perhaps a bit rounder than we were.
Mom was looking at me, her head cocked to the side, and I pulled myself back. “Sorry, did you say something?”
She chuckled. “No, Colton said he gained two pounds.”
Colton was trying not to smile, his teeth sinking into his lip. Kayla was sitting on the counter, almost able to hold herself up in a sitting position. I stared at her, my heart hammering.
“Well, at least you’re heading in the right direction.”
He snorted. “Eva and her text messages beg to differ.”
“You being one-nineteen is not okay, Colt, and you can’t just brush it off like it’s nothing. You need to take care of yourself. Especially with things mellowing out lately.”
Mom started arguing with him, pointing her wooden spoon at him. For a moment, his words registered, and I peeled my eyes away from our little girl.
“I’m sorry, did you just say one-nineteen? Colton, you can’t be serious right now.”
He shook the bottle in his hand, glaring at me. “I’m working on it. I was probably one thirty-five, or around there, when I was working at the docks. It’s not bad.”
“It is. You were thin then. You’re bones now. If Eva…”
Colton growled at me, and I flinched. Coming over to me, he put Kayla in my arms as if it were the most natural thing in the world. My eyes widened as I held her, not feeling at all comfortable. Lifting her up more, I adjusted her placement on my chest. He shoved the bottle into my hand.
“You feed her. I need a shower. I didn’t sleep well because someone decided to throw a fit and come back down at two in the morning.”
Just like that, he turned and left the kitchen. I stared after him for a long moment. Looking down, our little girl was looking up at me, smiling, making noises as she tried to reach for the bottle. Looking up at my mom, she was smiling, but turned away and continued what she was doing.
Adjusting her again, I helped her with the bottle, but she seemed already happy to hold it herself. “Hello, my little dragon.”