Chapter 43
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
OH MY FREAKING HECK. I SUCKED MADDOX OFF. Not only that, BUT HE’S SITTING ON MY BED. NAKED.
Well, not naked. Even better, he’s all wet and covered in my towel.
My towel. Covering that perfect dick and balls.
I want to go again. Again and again and—no wait!
I want to scream from the rooftops. No, I want to dance on them naked!
Naked with Maddox. Maddox and his perfect dick.
His perfect dick and his sweet, kind heart, and fudge he trusted me—
I blink back into reality when Princess scrambles–loudly and unsuccessfully–up the side of the bed. I always have to help him up; the poor man’s belly always gets caught on the lip of the bed and sends him in a stiff-armed fall off the bed, much like those Jesus statues.
But before Princess can fall this time, Maddox is there, scooping him up and placing him safely on the bed between us. I swear I’ve never met a more perfect man. Hurt, yes. Traumatized? Absolutely. But perfect.
Maddox’s gaze shifts to the door, and I wonder if he’s thinking about leaving? Surely not, ‘cause in my mind we’re cuddling naked the rest of the night and talking about our deepest darkest secrets.
“So, what’s your deepest darkest secret?” I lay back, clasping my hands behind my head. It makes the towel fall open, but I don’t care. Maddox can see all of me; I’m his.
Maddox gives me a slightly terrified look, and I laugh. “I’m kidding.”
I’m not.
“I’ll take your second deepest, half-dark secret.” I raise my eyebrows. “Like, did you ever steal something as a kid?”
I see the softening of Maddox’s expression. It’s incremental, but that line between his eyes looks less deep.
“That’s the worst you can think of?” he asks. “Stealing?”
“Well, I did say your gray secrets, but we all know your darkest secret is that you prefer chicken.” I shudder.
“I don’t prefer it, I said everything tastes like it.”
“Oh, riiiight, like human.” My tone is mocking, but I make sure to cock an eyebrow so Maddox knows I’m joking.
Maddox chuckles now, settling back into the headboard, albeit stiffly. Still, my heart practically sings. I can feel it trying to flutter its way right out of my chest.
Princess, who was curled up between us, now gives an impatient huff that we’ve moved. He gets up, stretches, and stalks right to Maddox’s lap, where he plops himself down.
Maddox raises an eyebrow. Princess tucks his head into his tail and closes his eyes.
“Guess I can’t move now,” Maddox states.
It takes everything I have not to let the evil smirk show on my face. Atta boy, Princess. You’ll get the finest steaks in the land. The overwhelming affection I feel for Princess right now rushes through my body like sparklers.
“Well, you never told me yours.”
I glance up at Maddox. He just cocks his head. “Your deepest darkest secret.”
I suck in a breath. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about the time I shit my pants in a McDonald’s.”
“No you didn’t.” Maddox tries to smother an emotion, but I see the slightest shadow in his dimples. The prettiest dimples I’ve ever seen.
“Listen, sometimes the food gets to you, man, and when nature calls, you answer.”
Maddox shakes his head.
I laugh. “C’mon, don’t tell me you haven’t shit your pants.”
“Can’t say that I have.”
“No way!” I bounce up, but Princess flicks his ear, so I stop. “I mean, seriously, everyone has.”
“I said I can’t say that I have.” Maddox lets it linger.
“Ohhhh.” I tap the side of my head and nod at him. “I smell what you’re stepping in.”
Maddox gives the tiniest chuckle, and it’s like an explosion of joy fills the room. I grin so wide, soaking in the moment, then settle back against the headboard. I should tell him something real, though. How can I expect him to feel safe if I don’t take the risk myself?
My heart flutters. “But for real, I do have a secret.”
Maddox sobers.
My heart is racing, but I suck in a breath. “I have a curse.” Why does it feel like I’m a kid again, confessing that I stole a cookie from the cabinet? But it’s more serious than that. Suddenly, this is the most important thing in the world.
There’s a minute of silence, and I glance at Maddox. His eyes are scared, almost as scared as they were in the beginning.
His hand is resting by his side, right there between us. I want to grab it so badly, but I’m afraid.
“Okay,” I say, my heart racing. “Are you ready?” I can’t wait for him to say if he’s ready or not, so I rush out, “Okay, here goes: everyone I meet always leaves and finds their soulmate right after.”
My confession fills the room.
“But that’s not the secret.” My voice drops, and now I really don’t think I can breathe. Maybe I’m girlbossing too close to the sun. Maybe this is too far. But I can’t retreat now.
“The secret is that I was so afraid you’d do the same…that I made stupid choices. Like meddling in your life when you didn’t ask me to.”
There’s silence only broken by soft snoring, and I stare holes into Princess, whose body is rising and falling softly as he raises a racket.
Immediately, I want to fill the silence. Abort! Abort mission! Make a funny joke and save yourself from this dumpster fire! You just told him you wanted him to be your soulmate and you’re not perfect in the same breath. Do you hurt yourself for fun?
I hold my breath. Maddox has had too many cowards in his life, and I’m done being a coward. I hold on to my breath so hard that tears form in my eyes, so I can’t tell him I didn’t mean it.
Finally, Maddox says, “Meddled?” His voice is quiet.
“Yeah.” I look at the bed. “There’s a tracker in Princess’ collar, and I checked on your apartment one day. And Arthur…well, you know about Arthur. But I called it off.”
The room is silent except for Princess’ snores.
Finally, Maddox asks, “Why?”
I press my lips together. “Because you didn’t want me to.”
Finally, I risk a glance at Maddox. He just blinks at me like I just told him to tell me to go fuck myself in Japanese. Like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. And it tortures me. What is he thinking?
“What?” I ask.
He narrows his gaze. “Because I asked you to? Just like that?”
My chest hurts from the shock in his tone because that must mean someone in his past hasn’t stopped, even though he asked them to. He doesn’t deserve that.
It’s about time I start doing that for him, too.
Slowly, so Maddox has time to stop me if he wants, I reach my hand down toward the hand he has on the bed.
He doesn’t move.
“Can I touch you?”
Maddox squeezes his eyes shut, then opens them again. He says nothing, and my chest hurts. He doesn’t want it. That’s okay, but it still burns.
I close my eyes.
Something brushes my fingers. I snap my eyes open to see Maddox there, fingers barely brushing mine. He looks at our hands like he doesn’t know what’s happening, and then I see the shimmer of tears in his eyes. Which breaks my heart.
I slip my hand into his.
There’s a lot I want to say, like we-were-meant-to-be-we’re-soulmates-I’d-never-hurt-you-on-purpose and how-do-you-feel-about-courthouse-weddings because hello mind to mouth path is so very short, but I don’t.
I don’t want to push him when he’s not ready.
I meant what I said when I said I’d wait. We’re on Maddox time, not my time.
And in the silence, I find anxiety. What if I don’t say all these things, and he doesn’t know how serious I am? What if he thinks I’m just using him for a fling? What if he doesn’t feel loved?
I force myself to take a deep breath in and out.
Where’s my freaking ice water when I need it?
But the more I force myself to breathe, the more a tiny, teeny tiny sense of okayness slips in.
It’s good I’m not rushing to say anything.
That always scares Maddox. And why rush?
The hottest man in the world is here, in my bed, choosing to hang out with me.
Well, and maybe he’s nap trapped, but that part doesn’t matter. Right now, Maddox is safe.
He’s safe, and nothing can take him from me.
Nothing.