Chapter 49
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
You know what, I take it back. Logan never would have been a good boyfriend, but he makes a freaking good friend. I mean, who else can I call to get rid of a body?
I checked Princess over thoroughly. He has blood on his tail, but I can’t find any injuries. I’m okay, and I think Maddox is okay. I checked him over as well. He has some bruising on his head, but nothing that seems broken, and his pupils are the same size.
We’re okay. We’re okay, and Arthur is gone. Arthur, who scared the life out of my man and put his hands on him… My blood pressure rises, but as soon as it does, it falls. Arthur is dead. He can’t hurt Maddox anymore.
This is…actually really fantastic. Who knew murder would make you want to do a little jig?
“I have to…I have to go,” Maddox gasps, charging in the direction of the doorway.
Wait, go? Go where? Great things are happening!
I follow. “I’ll go with you.” Cool, I wonder where he wants to go.
“No!” Maddox turns back to me, panic in his voice.
No? I stop, confused. Has he decided not to go?
“I mean, I need…I need to get dressed.” He’s stalking to the bathroom, and I follow him there. Cool, I should probably put some clothes on too. I do so as Maddox gets dressed, and when he looks up and sees me, there’s panic in his eyes. “I need…I need to go!”
”Okay,” I say, confusion running through me. Why is he afraid? He’s safe. I won’t let anything happen to him. Arthur is gone.
“Outside.” Maddox sounds like he’s breathing through a straw.
Outside? It’s in the middle of the night.
Weird request, but okay. Maybe it’s his version of sour candy.
It’s shocking to see someone die, and it has to be even more shocking if you used to be in a relationship with them, even if they were a horrible human.
I throw my shoes on, and Maddox whirls on me.
“Alone.”
The word cuts into my chest like a knife.
Alone? Maddox doesn’t want me with him? The word feels like sharp blades of ice sinking into my veins.
“Mads, I–”
But Maddox is already going down the steps. The panic floods my system, and without thinking, I chase after him. “Wait, let me come with you.”
“Did you not hear me? Or are you choosing not to listen?”
The anger in his voice stops me in my tracks in the kitchen. My first response is pain, my chest contracting.
Maddox’s face twists, almost like he’s in pain.
I’m not ignoring Maddox! I care about him! I don’t want him outside alone in the middle of the night after something so traumatizing.
Anger and panic hit me, and I take one step forward to stop Maddox. As soon as I do, I’m hit with a flashback to when I tried to stop Maddox from leaving before. The terror and anger in his eyes. How I promised myself to never control him again.
Maddox is at the damaged front door now. He opens it, crackling over broken glass, then steps outside.
Stop him, freaking stop him!
Every cell in my body operates at full capacity, telling me to run after him.
No. I can’t do that to him.
I hold myself back, body trembling with a little voice in my head screaming that I’m screwing things up.
Why is he leaving me? Is he mad that I killed Arthur? Why would he be mad about that? Did he still have feelings for him?
Surely not.
I stand there, shaking.
My brain spirals just as I see a blue blur move past me toward the front door. Princess.
“No.” I chase after Princess, snatching him up before he leaves. Only, the door won’t shut enough to secure Princess inside.
So, being helpless to do anything else, I hug Princess and step onto the front step, sitting down there. My mind is so full and busy, and I don’t know what’s happening.
I’m failing him. Maddox can’t make good choices right now, so I need to make them for him.
Right?
I hold Princess tighter and let the scary feelings overwhelm me. I cry into his fur. I want to make everything better. Make Maddox better. Relieve this crushing pain in my chest.
And as I cry, I realize that there is a crushing pain in my chest, too. The pain screams I did everything, and I’m still not enough. That once again I’m asking Maddox to stay to make myself feel better. To make me feel chosen.
Princess nuzzles my torso, sending pain straight to my lungs. It hurts, but it breaks me out of my spiral.
I want to run after Maddox. Need to.
That would make me like Arthur.
I want to stalk him. To make sure I could step in if anything happened.
But that would mean apologizing again, and an apology without change isn’t worth anything.
I sit in absolute helplessness. I can’t help him, and I can’t fix what we just did.
I breathe in and out, in and out. I really want to save Maddox. But how can I save him if I’m drowning myself?
But what the heck does it look like to save myself? Does it mean feeling okay even if you just killed someone? Feeling peaceful if the man you want more than anything is walking away from you? No, not just walking, running.
Nothing feels right. But he asked me not to chase.
This is wrong. But for Maddox, I’ll do anything. I know it’s supposed to be for myself, but right now I can’t be brave for myself.
But I can be brave for him. So that if he decides to come back, I’ll be here. Waiting.