CHAPTER SIX #3
“So, you’re going to go live at the ranch. In Cedar Hill.” Casey still doesn’t sound like she believes a word of what we’re saying to each other. “With the kids?” She shakes her head. “You can’t possibly take care of everything on your own. You’ll need help.”
Panic unfurls in my chest as I realize where this conversation is going. “Liz will be there,” I blurt out. The words lack the casual and irrelevant element I’d hoped to deliver them with. “Trent and Lena appointed her the kids’ guardian.”
Casey stares at me for several long seconds. “I want to come.” Shit. I should have known mentioning Liz would backfire.
She takes both my hands in hers and holds them tight. “Let me help you. Let me be a part of this.”
“Do you have any idea what your commute would be?” I shake my head.
“I don’t care,” she insists. “And if it turns out to be too much, I’ll take a leave of absence.”
“Now you’re quitting your job?”
“You are.”
“No,” I sit back, breaking out of her hold as I do, “I’m not. I’m adjusting my workload to manage it along with the ranch. It's not the same thing.”
“Come on, Jovi. You need me. What do you and Liz know about raising kids? I’m a teacher. I went to school for this. Let me help you.”
My spine stiffens against the metal back of the patio chair and my jaw tightens.
“I appreciate that you’d be willing to do this, I really do.
But the kids have been left in Liz’s care for a reason.
I’m not going to dishonor Lena and Trent’s choice by bringing you into their home to raise their kids.
They met you twice. They never had a chance to get to know you. ”
“You know me,” she throws back. “You don’t think they trust your judgment?
Hell, if they had known me, they probably would have hoped you would bring me along.
I know Liz is family, but she’s not exactly maternal.
I hardly spent any time with her, and I already know I wouldn’t leave a plant in her care, let alone two children. ”
Fuck this.
“Liz raised Lena.” I pull myself up as tall as I can while still fighting the urge to stand. I like the strength the stance conveys, but I’m not into looming. Casey could meet me on her feet, and I'd still tower over her.
So, I keep my ass in my chair, but I let her have it.
“You may not think Liz is capable of mothering anyone, but Lena knew firsthand what being parented by her means. Hell, we all did. Liz was always the one looking out for us, even when we didn’t think we fucking needed it.
She was there. Making sure we stayed out of trouble, bailing us out when we didn’t.
Cooking for everyone. Going without so Lena didn’t have to.
Liz sacrificed the bulk of her childhood to give Lena hers.
Skipped out on all the teenage bullshit you took for granted to get Lena to piano lessons and help her with homework.
Lena and Trent chose her for a reason, Casey.
Hell, they chose her for a million of them.
The fact she’s family just happens to be the only one you fucking know. ”
I slump back into my chair, suddenly deflated.
“Besides, I’m going to be staying in the barn. Not the house. So, you can relax. I’m not moving in with Liz.”
Tears well in her eyes and all her previous indignation fades. “I’m sorry. I’m being crazy.” She sniffs. “But I can’t help feeling that ever since you lost Trent, I’ve started losing you.”
I drop my face to my hands, burying my mouth in my palms, and groan. It’s too much. All of this shit, it’s too fucking much.
When I straighten up to face her again, tears have started rolling down her cheeks in silence. “I don’t want to be the asshole who makes you cry. I can't keep doing this for the next year.”
Her lips press together until her full, red mouth disappears into a thin line and she shakes her head, fear rising in her eyes. “Don’t,” she whispers. “Please, don’t say what you’re about to say.”
“Not saying it won’t make it go away.” It’s my turn to reach for her. “You know I’m right. You know you deserve so much more than I’m able to give you right now.” Hell, than I’ll probably ever be able to.
“What if I don’t care?” she tries once more. “What if I’m willing to wait it out until you’re able to put this relationship first again.”
I sigh. “Casey, be honest. With me. With yourself.” Guilt and disgust climb my throat, squeezing until I want to cough to catch my breath. “I’ve never put this relationship first. Not the way you have. Not the way I should have to give us a real shot.”
“So give us one now,” she whispers.
“I can’t.” And not because of all that’s happened.
I’m not sure I’m capable at all. “And I can’t keep letting you pull all the weight on your own.
It’s not fair to you. And to be honest, it’s kind of making me hate myself.
You don’t want to be with the man I’m becoming, the man I’ve been the last couple of months. ”
I start to pull back but all it does is make her curl her fingers around mine tighter.
“This isn’t how I thought this conversation would end.
” Tears are streaming at a steady rate now, welling in her eyes and rolling down her cheeks like a tide moving in.
“I thought we were building a home together. A life.”
I bite the inside of my lip, remembering how we wound up here.
She had no business believing either of those things.
I certainly never did or said anything to suggest I was looking for a future with her.
Fuck, with anyone. Quite the opposite, I repeatedly said the invite was temporary, a means to an end, a favor to make her transition between places easier.
A favor I still intend to see through.
“You can stay here as long as you need. The house will be sitting empty once you find a new place anyway, so you don’t need to rush out just because we’re not together.”
She nods. Something in her eyes shifts and slowly the tears dry out.
I watch her for a moment, suddenly annoyed to find I wish Liz was here to tell me what she’s thinking. I shake off the thought and stand, collecting the trash from our dinner before I start for the house. “I’ll sleep in the spare room tonight. The bed’s already made.”
“Liz used it.” The words seem to fall out of her mouth unplanned.
“I’m aware.” It’s not like I’m hoping I’ll still smell her on the pillow. Not least of all, because I’m pretty sure she’d gone days without showering by the time she stayed over. The simple truth is, I'm not remotely bothered one way or the other. It’s Liz.
You can't spend years going out of your way to get under someone's skin and not wind up toxically imbedded in one another.
It's not healthy. But in a twisted way, it's still home.