CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
LIZ
As soon as the admission spills out of my mouth, I hurry to crawl my way back to the open window, escaping inside the barn.
The words came out of nowhere. Feelings I thought were buried inside me, drawn from my depths and put on a shameful display just for him.
None of it was what I planned to say when I came out here looking for him. Even after not speaking for a week, and then everything with Tammy, I'd been overwhelmed, sure, but I hadn't made a decision. Not one that I was aware of anyway.
Then I saw him sitting up there on that roof. Saw that deep desperation I never understood when we were kids swimming in his eyes again. And the words suddenly started coming out of my mouth.
Whatever is happening with the business is bigger than he's letting on.
The last time he wound up on a roof, he was drowning under the weight of his father's illness and overwhelming responsibility crashing down on his shoulders.
The business he was way too young to run.
A family he should never have been made the provider for when he was barely older than the children whose needs he'd been tasked with meeting.
I won't let Trent and Lena put him in that place again. Won't stand by and watch him fall off another fucking roof, literally or emotionally.
I won't. I can't.
Any more than I can walk into court, look a judge in the eyes and tell them I believe I'm the best choice to raise Remmi and Gavin.
Fine. I raised Lena. While I was home. I didn't give up college to see her finish high school. Didn't move back to Cedar Hill when our father died and Lena chose to stay and marry Trent. Have babies. I didn't come home. Didn't take up a permanent role as aunt.
And my family isn't the only commitment I've shied away from.
I wasn't lying when I told Jovi I haven't had a relationship that lasted more than three months. And if I didn't pay Holly to keep showing up, I doubt I could claim to have a friendship that didn't expire after half a year either.
"Liz!" his voice calls out, close enough to know he's following me. When the thud of his feet hitting the floor behind me follows, I know I'm right. "Liz!" He's more adamant the second time, but I only walk faster. A few more steps and I'm at the ladder.
"Would you stop fucking running from me!" His fingers curl around my arm the same moment my hand reaches for the my means of escape. "Liz, please."
It's the plea that breaks me. Splits me open from the inside out. And everything I've been working so diligently to hold in, to keep together, shatters.
The words I never wanted to burden him with, the shame of my failure I never wanted him to see, seeps out through the cracks.
"Tammy is suing me for custody," I whisper, tears running down my cheeks in uncharted rivulets.
"I thought it was an empty threat. That it was her grief talking. But I was served papers yesterday."
I brace myself for his questions. They don't come.
His arms do. Strong and steady, they wrap around me, pressing me to him, as he holds me close. Tight. Safe. "Then we'll fight her." It's all he says. As if it's as simple as that.
"I'll lose." My words are muffled, face hidden in his shirt, the smell of horse and coffee and a hint of lemongrass, enveloping me.
The comfort of his scent is almost as soothing as his body wrapped around mine.
"She's claiming I exposed the kids to sexy photoshoots," I sniff.
"And even if she didn't wave that red flag around, she'd still have enough proof that I lack on all fronts where she can provide. "
His body grows tense against mine, but he doesn't release me. "Where exactly is it that you lack, Liz?" His voice is low. Controlled. Almost frightening. Except the simmering rage isn't directed at me. It's for Tammy.
"I'm weak," I tell him, squeezing my eyes shut. "The kids need someone they can depend on. Someone who won't run. Who won't choose themselves. Who isn't selfish."
He pulls away enough to slip a finger under my chin and softly tilt my head up to meet his gaze. "Is that honestly how you see yourself?" His eyes have a sheen to them and when he blinks, a single tear slides down his cheek. "How the fuck are you selfish, Liz?"
"I left," I remind him. "After I graduated. I left for good. I didn't come back."
He nods slowly.
"I remember you went away to college," he says.
"I also remember that your father threw out the acceptance letters you got for both in state universities before you could see them.
Because he knew you'd stay as close to home as possible, even if the school you really wanted to go to, the one offering the best program for your studies, was on the other side of the country. "
I freeze. I never knew that.
"Then, after you had no choice but to accept that you were going to school out of state, I remember you tried to take a year off.
Told your father you wanted a gap year to help out at his shop and learn more about business to get a head start before college.
But we all knew it was bullshit, and no one was surprised when he refused you. "
His thumb strokes the edge of my jaw. "You left, Liz. Not because you're selfish and it's what you wanted. You left because it's what everyone who loved you wanted for you. And you still fought to give it up."
"I could have come home after school," I say, certain he's remembering things wrong.
That his perspective is tainted. Because it couldn't have gone the way he's saying.
I know, I was there. The guilt of leaving, of going to school to study something as frivolous as photography when my family needed me, when Lena still needed me, haunted me for months.
And then continued to resurface for years after.
"Come home for what?" He shakes his head. "Lena was grown. Her and Trent were already building a life together. Your father was gone. And there was no pursuing your passions here in Cedar Hill."
He lowers his head until he's so close I can feel his breath on my lips when he speaks. "And you came home plenty. You were here for every birthday. Every holiday. Every celebration and milestone. Every call for help from Lena. You've been here."
When I open my mouth to argue, his thumb comes to rest on my bottom lip to stop me.
"Like you're here now, Liz. How you'll continue to be here.
Because you're wrong. You’re not weak. You're not selfish.
And you're not afraid of commitment. You're afraid of failing.
And being that afraid of letting others down that you'd carve out the last pieces of your heart and hand them over just to ensure that they were safe, is the very reason I know I'm right.
I know Lena and Trent were right. You're the best person to raise those kids, Liz.
And they deserve the best. They deserve you. "
I'm too stunned to form words. So, I do the only thing I still have the capacity for. I nod. And he presses a kiss to my forehead.
"That's my girl."
JOVI
"You need to get down there," she says. But both her fists are still curled into my shirt, and my arms have no plans to release her.
"I'm exactly where I need to be," I tell her. When she rolls her eyes in response it's such a Liz thing to do, I almost laugh with relief. "I'm serious," I insist, tugging her to me even closer.
"Fine," she concedes. "If we're doing it like this, you have to play full-out."
I cock my brow, curious. "Full-out how?" I can think of a lot of ways I'd be happy to stop holding back when it comes to her.
"Tell me what's going on with Brennan. And don't bother telling me you're handling it again. If you think you can swoop in and fight my battles with me, you better make room at your side for me to do the same."
It takes everything I have not to kiss her.
Not just because it's a total mindfuck to have someone want to stand beside me.
To fight for me, be my partner in the trenches, carry that soul breaking weight with me.
No, it's because she looks so goddamn fierce jumping to my defense, tears still sparkling in her long lashes, bottom lip raw from digging her teeth into it to stop from crying.
She broke in my arms only minutes ago, and here she is, a mosaic goddess, all her broken pieces ready to fight again. For me.
So, I give in. And I do what I should have from the start.
"Brennan is claiming Kimber kicked his mare last Friday, breaking two bones in her left hock.
He's demanding I pay for the damage. Surgery.
Physical therapy after. Then, cover some hypothetical value she would have provided as a roping horse pre-injury. "
Her lips tighten. "Or?"
"Or he'll start spreading the news that our events are dangerous and I'm incompetent, because I can't even train my own horse well enough to keep her from hurting others." It's impossible not to sound bitter saying those words.
Ire flashes like a wild flame igniting the blue in her hazel eyes. "Interesting."
My brow crinkles, and I snort. "Yeah? How so?"
"You'll see." Then she blows my fucking mind again by pressing up on her toes and placing a soft kiss on my lips. "Go down there and do what you do best. I'll handle Brennan."
Then she pats my chest and pulls away to start climbing down the ladder. It's all I can do to stare after her, before I finally get my head straight, my heart back into a regular rhythm, and go down there to do as she said.