20. Bailey
20
Bailey
Saturday
T he tears refused to stop as I lay in bed. The police officers were here to ask about Ed’s accident. They said the questions were for insurance purposes, but it felt like an interrogation. Or what I imagined an interrogation to be like. I told them the same story I’d told my parents.
When Dad tried to pull up the footage of that day on his computer, it wasn’t there. The entire day was wiped.
“That happens sometimes,” Dad explained to the officer. “The signals are difficult around here, and we switched all the cameras to Wi-Fi. Over the summer, I noticed a few days here and there were missing.”
I was so scared. No matter how many times I told myself this was standard, this was normal, I had nothing to worry about, I couldn’t help but think they were going to call me on the lie and put me in cuffs. Creak…bang.
Then, just before they left, they dropped the bombshell. “The good news is, the doctors are starting to see signs of recovery,” one of the officers had said. “Can’t say much, but your farm hand may be coming around.”
Creak, bang.
“I’ll have to check in on him,” Dad said. “I feel terrible for all that has happened.”
With that, the officers left.
Creeeeeeak, BANG.
“Stop it!” I yelled, jumping up out of bed and looking outside.
The sun was just beginning to rise, illuminating the garden shed door, the light reflecting off the shiny new lock my father had placed on it the other day.
“It’s all in your head, princess.” Ed’s voice drifted from the other side of the room.
“You’re in my head,” I said, not taking my eyes off the shed, waiting for the door to open and make that godawful noise again.
Ed chuckled, a sound that made me feel defeated.
“I wasn’t afraid,” I whispered.
“Of course, you weren’t. You are tougher than that. I had to work you harder, but only because you have a tough spirit. See how beautifully it shone, though? How malleable it became? You had no reason to fear me, because you understood. You know what has to be done to become the proper wife. To be mine.”
I turned to Ed, stepping away from the window. “I was afraid of you. I wasn’t afraid of Lachlan. He walked up to me, grabbed me, and it was so gentle yet powerful. I wasn’t afraid of him. I felt safe with him, something I never, ever felt with you.”
“You didn’t need safety. You were unruly. I turned you into the woman you are now. The one he tried to take away. You wanted so bad to become this. It was all your choice.”
I shook my head, taking a step back. His words didn’t feel right. They caused my heart to ache, but some part of me was trying to convince my heart it was really all my choice. Why would anyone choose to cower when someone else showed them another way? “Liar.” I shook my head, my voice rising. “How could I have made a choice when you never gave one?”
A light in the hall flicked on, and my mom poked her head in. “Bailey?” she asked sleepily. Ed was gone. I walked back to my bed, sitting down and pulling the covers over my legs.
“Yeah, sorry, I was having a bad dream.” Creeeeeak, bang. I froze, thinking she must’ve heard it, but she said nothing.
Mom blinked a couple of times as she looked at me. “Are you okay? I was just waking up, anyway.” Was it already five in the morning? It was so dark outside. Mom came into my room and sat at the foot of the bed. “It was a busy week at school. I want to check in and see how you’re doing. Balancing the farm and football isn’t easy.” She reached up and swiped my tears away with her thumb.
Chores, football, friends, and the impending doom that someone was going to find out what I’d done and punish me for it. What would my own mother think of me when she found out? Because, through the night, I’d come to the conclusion that it was a when and not an if .
I leaned forward and lay across my bed, so my head was in my mother’s lap. I wrapped my arms around her waist. “Thank you for being the best mom.”
“Bailey,” my mom whispered. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“Just tired.”
“Maybe football is too much.”
“No, Mom, it’s not. I promise. I’m making friends. And I have been hanging out with Lachlan again.”
Mom stroked my hair. “The O’Riley boy?”
“Yeah.”
“You should invite him over sometime. I haven’t seen him in a while.”
“I also made a new friend. Nolan is our quarterback.” Once I started talking, it was hard to stop. I told Mom about the guys, how Ethan and Chase were distant, but Lachlan and I hung out a lot. I told her about Beth and a couple other girlfriends of football players she’d introduced me to. I told her how much art class sucked, but gym was great and English was okay. I told her how I was getting swamped in history, but Nolan was helping me so I wouldn’t get left in the dust. He was a good teacher; I could listen to his voice all day… I didn’t tell her that.
I spilled so many truths to Mom, in hopes it would make up for the lies. It didn’t, it wouldn’t. My lies were too big. It was nice letting her in on something, though. Not being alone on something. I was nervous and excited for my first high school party. Lachlan had told me there was one after the first game.
“You’ll be safe, right? You know not to drink out of open cups, not to leave your drink anywhere.”
“Yes, I know. I’ll have my phone on too.”
Mom’s hands stilled in my hair. “And you call, for anything. I don’t care if you’re drunk or high or whatever. I don’t condone it, but as long as you call us when you need help, I will ignore and forgive whatever state you’re in.”
I sat up, pushing through the tears and giving her a smile. “I will, I promise.”
“Maybe we can have breakfast here at the farm. Invite the team. I’ll talk to your dad about it.”
“Do you know how big the team is?”
“I used to go to some of your dad’s college games before I knew him. It will be fine. We can handle them. We can set up a buffet.” Mom stood up. “Why don’t you lie down and get some more rest? I’ll do the morning chores.”
I moved to get off the bed, but Mom put her hand on my shoulder, holding me in place. “You don’t have to, Mom. I’ll get up.”
“I want to. It’s been a while since I spent time in the barn. I may go for a ride this morning.” She turned and went to the door. She was being too kind to me, and I didn’t deserve it. Once she found out what I did, she would know I didn’t deserve it. How much would she hate me? Could I live knowing how badly I hurt her?
“Mom.” She stopped and looked back at me. “Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad person.”
“Why?”
“Because I did something wrong,” I whispered.
My mom frowned and turned around. I didn’t know what she saw in me as her eyes roamed over my face, but her expression softened. “Anyone who has to make difficult choices can feel uneasy about it at times. I know you’ve been going through a rough patch, but I don’t think you’re a bad person, Boo. Bad people do things without feeling guilt. I think you’re feeling guilt.”
“How do I fix it?”
Mom was thoughtful for a moment before meeting my gaze. “Maybe try thinking about what you feel guilty for. I’m here if you need to talk, Boo.”
“Thank you.”
Mom left my room as I snuggled deeper into my covers. I knew what I felt guilty for, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt it wasn’t right. Like there was something more.