37. Bailey
37
Bailey
Friday
R umors were circulating about what had happened to Derrick yesterday. Apparently, the whole ambulance scene had drawn a crowd, but we were in gym class, so we missed it. Most of the rumors mentioned comas and death, which had me practically hyperventilating. If true, Derrick would have been the second guy to end up in a coma because of me.
Fortunately, Derrick himself showed up to school, his right arm in a cast and left hand broken. His nose was broken, taped up, and bruises framed the skin under his eyes. He had all the girls fawning over him, trying to help him in history, saying they could take notes for him, since both his hands were out of commission. His story? He had gotten jumped in the parking lot. He didn’t see the guy, but he was somehow certain the guy didn’t go to this school. It just so happened that the parking lot cameras didn’t reach where he’d been when the incident occurred.
Derrick didn’t look at me. He kept his head down and avoided even walking around me, choosing to go the long route to his desk.
I glanced up at Ethan, who had a quiet smile on his face. He leaned back in his chair with his hands up over his head, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
Ethan was sexy as sin in his letterman jacket, it fit his large frame perfectly, as though made for him. When he, Nolan, and Lachlan were together—I only excluded Chase from that list because he was still keeping up his avoidance routine—I had to calm my rapid heart. The closer I got to one, the closer I felt to the other, and the more I felt for them all.
In the past, I’d done what Ed asked of me because he’d taught me what he required of me. Without using words, he taught me, when I compliment you, you fawn over me, giggle, be grateful. But when Nolan called me beautiful or adorable, I groaned and roll my eyes, and he smiled at me, caressing my arm or back with his hand.
When I make a move, you open up to me; you give me exactly what I’m asking for. But Lachlan waited for me. He hadn’t smoked all week, mentioning that our little make-out session helped calm him. He never took it for his own needs. When he’d climbed into the truck this morning, I could tell he’d had a sleepless night, but he never demanded anything of me.
When I do something for you, you bend over and give me what I want. Everything I want. When I go out of my way for you, you give yourself completely to me. Ethan and Chase asked nothing of me. Ethan hummed contently as we waited for the history teacher, smiling in his own world. I wasn’t stupid. I could see his ripped-up knuckles. I knew he had taken a few hits on Derrick, and I’d seen Chase take the first punch, and not one of them came to me, demanding anything.
It was ingrained in me that what Ed had told me was the norm, and without following his rules, affection, friendship, and companionship would be withheld. Because, before he did everything to me, Ed was every part the friend and companion I’d needed at that point in my life. He was my everything, and when I didn’t follow the etiquette he imposed, he would leave me for a day. He would turn his eyes to someone else for a day. I was so desperate to make him happy, I followed his rules. Those damn unspoken rules.
But it was all a lie…wasn’t it? Another lie I told myself.
Lachlan gave me a choice. Chase gave me a choice. Ethan and Nolan gave me a choice. And when I made my choice, not one of them withheld friendship or affection from me. Chase was putting distance between us right now, but I was confident I could walk up to him, and he would touch me, hold me, offer comfort. I was allowed to be loved without the demand or obligation of having to repay him or grovel for it. It was a painful truth that I didn’t have to give everything to feel something. I had lost so much over the years because of this truth.
When the teacher arrived, I tried to listen to the half of class we were obligated to attend before leaving early for our away game. I couldn’t hear anything, though. The guilt that always hung over my head, weighing me down, started to twist into anger. I always thought the harm Ed had inflicted was physical, and if I obeyed, I could avoid the physical harm from everyone else. I had no clue how deep the mental harm truly went. So deep that I was leaving myself open to physical attacks from people like Derrick. My hands clenched into fists, the betrayal seeping into the pit of my stomach and festering.
We were given the option to take the bus or drive ourselves to the game, so the guys and I opted to drive. I offered for Chase to come with us—there was room for another—but he declined, stating he had somewhere to be afterward.
Beth came walking out of the school, dressed in her cheerleader outfit and Wes’s letterman jacket. “Bailey!” She called me over from a black van she stopped beside. “We are taking Prim’s van. Come with us!”
Wes was there, but mainly, it was cheerleaders. When I got closer to the van, I immediately noticed a distinctive scent that had me taking a step back. This…this was the van that took me to the field last week.
“Ew,” Prim sneered, “not Farm Girl. I don’t need my seats smelling like manure.” She cackled. She was a very pretty girl, all the cheerleaders were, especially when they had their makeup done up like they did now.
“What the hell, Prim?” Beth scolded. “Don’t go acting all high and mighty, when I know for a fact, you—”
“Beth,” I interrupted, feeling a hand on the small of my back. I knew it was one of the guys; the gentle touch was a giveaway. “It’s fine. We were going to take my truck, anyway.”
“Have room for two more?” As Beth turned away from the van, Wes shrugged and followed her.
No, we only had one spare seat. “I’ll ride with Chase,” Lachlan said.
I looked up at him. “You don’t have to.”
He smiled. “It’s fine.” He leaned down, pressing a kiss to my temple before heading across the parking lot to Chase.
“I’m sorry ahead of time if I smell like manure,” I said, opening the truck door. Beth rolled her eyes and laughed. Wes tossed his gear in the bed of the truck, with the rest of our bags, and got in the front with Ethan, while Nolan, Beth, and I sat in the back.
“Don’t listen to Prim. She’s a hardcore Hadley fan. Sorry, most of the cheer team is.”
“But not you?”
“No, I can think for myself, thank you very much.”
Wes and Ethan were deep in conversation about tonight’s game already as we followed the bus out of the parking lot.
“We haven’t hung out much,” Beth said, turning in her seat, so she was facing me more. I did the same and found myself leaning back against Nolan.
“You weren’t joking about having no time to myself once football started up. Plus, I work for my family.”
“What do you do?” she asked, sounding genuinely curious.
“Anything, everything that needs to be done. We are taking beans off the fields right now, so we will be ready for winter wheat. I just spent all last Sunday sitting in a tractor.”
“We need a girls’ night. You need a break from all this.” She waved around the cab of the truck, and I smiled. She was right.
“Does your dad need any help?” Ethan asked.
“We can always use an extra body. If you want to come by tomorrow, I’ll show you how to drive the tractor.”
Nolan chuckled. “We better be careful. By the end of the week, Bailey might have the whole team working for her on the farm.”
Everyone laughed, but I couldn’t help thinking how much quicker things would get done if we had the whole football team working. Scratch that—I didn’t think I could keep everyone in line as well as Coach did.
I didn’t think I’d ever get over pre-game jitters. The fact that this school had a full-size stadium field, professional-quality locker rooms, and a crowd of fans that seemed bigger than our entire school, did nothing to help that. I bet they had professional football players as paid coaches. Our coach was the gym teacher that coached the team on the side.
Coach’s pregame speech eased some of my worry and got everyone hyped up, but the nerves were still vibrating as we passed through a long tunnel toward the field.
Just like the time before, I watched Nolan keep everyone’s energy bouncing as we waited to be called out. The music outside was blasting, the cheerleaders getting the crowds screaming. I stayed at the back of the team, helmet in hand, collecting myself.
Focus on the game. Don’t look up into the crowd. You know how to play. You remember how to run. It’s no different than practice.
And then his hand slipped into mine. I looked up at Chase. “Is it normal to be this freaked out before every game?” I asked him.
“I used to vomit before every game,” he admitted.
“What got you through it?”
He paused for a moment, his eyes unfocused, before looking back at me. “The pitts.”
Thunderous rain, sinking at least a foot into sopping mud, playing games as kids and getting into major trouble when we came home absolutely covered in filth. “Really? That got you through this?”
He squeezed my hand. “When Ethan would take the ball from you, were you too afraid to go after him?”
I chuckled. “No, I think I may have tripped him at the ankles one too many times. He ate so much mud.”
“And when Lachlan would tackle you?”
I scoffed. “As if he could catch me.” Though, now that his legs were longer, I knew he could. “And you?”
“Yeah, I was untouchable.”
I made a fist and bumped his shoulder pad. “Not likely! Anytime you had possession, I always caught you.”
“Yeah, right! You may have been a couple inches taller than me then, but I used my size to my advantage. Ain’t no way you could catch me.”
I was getting riled up now. “One more game, short stuff. If I could challenge you to one more game, you bet ya you’ll be eating mud with Ethan.”
He threw his head back, laughing. “Short stuff? Look at us, Bails. Who’s the peewee now?”
I grinned. “No way could you escape me. Even with your growth spurt.”
“That”—he stood up straight—“right there, that excitement and fire in your veins and eyes, that’s my Bailey girl. Don’t let the nerves dull you down.” The crowd went crazy outside, and our team started moving, running out to the field. Chase squeezed my hand one more time. “You got this in the bag.”
We lost, seven to zero. The other team was built for performance. They moved almost robotically. However, Coach was prouder of this loss than he’d been of our previous win. He boasted how well we were working together. Nolan and Ethan got a spotlight for not fumbling the ball once. The defense had their praises sung yet again because of how quick they were to prevent any yards being gained.
Coach went on to say this was a top-tier team, and if we went after any of the other teams the way we had tonight, there was no reason why we wouldn’t make it to the playoffs.
I was so sore, from the number of tackles I had received, that once we dropped Wes and Beth off at the school, I curled up on the back seat, resting my head on Nolan’s lap, and fell asleep.
Saturday
Ethan arrived at the farm first thing in the morning. I was sitting on the porch with Dad, having a cup of tea, when he pulled up in a car I hadn’t seen before. “Whose is that?” I asked.
“Rental, from the shop.”
“Can I get you coffee or tea?” Mom asked him from the doorway.
“No, thank you.”
“One thing about working here, son, is that we start every morning with a quiet cup of something hot. It will warm you up and starts the day off right,” Dad said.
Ethan nodded. “I’ll take a coffee, then.”
The last time Ethan helped me with barn chores, I’d found it relaxing to have him around. This time was much the same. His mere presence had me calm enough that I began speaking to the horses, taking my time with Titan in a way I hadn’t done since I got him.
“He likes you,” Ethan said from the doorway of the stall. I had been scratching Titan’s favorite spot on his neck. “Do you ride him?”
I dusted my hands off on my jeans. “Not anymore.” I walked out of the stall, pulling the door closed.
“Why not?” Ethan followed me as I grabbed more hay to put in the other stalls. He did the same. “I used to watch you in the rodeos. You won so many awards when we were kids.”
“I just don’t anymore.”
“Why not? You were really good, way better than most of the other competitors.”
I walked into one stall, filling the hay net, before walking back out. Ethan was there, waiting. My eyes met his dark brown ones, and I thought, could I? Could I let go of another truth? Ethan was safe, so maybe I could let go of one small truth I’d been holding in for so long.
“I’m scared to.” It came out as a whisper. I’d been so afraid to admit it to myself, but just saying it out loud was enough to lift this massive weight off my chest. Riding had been such a strong passion of mine, and it had turned into me not even being able to touch the horses. “I’m scared of him ,” I admitted, lowering my eyes to the ground. “He always came into the barn when I was alone. He told me what a great rider I was. He told me he could make me better, and then he would…” I didn’t realize how fast I had been breathing, how hard my heart was pumping. Just talking about it, not even anything specific, but telling him something that I’d never realized had hurt me so deeply, threw me into a panic attack.
“Bailey, look at me.” Ethan placed two large hands on my shoulders. “Look at me,” he ordered. I raised my eyes to his. “It’s not going to happen again.” His voice was low, threatening, a promise, and I desperately wanted to believe it. “Do you want to ride?”
“I miss it.”
“And if you had someone here, watching your back, would you ride?”
“It’s easier when you’re here,” I admitted. “I’m not as jumpy.”
“Well, anytime you want to ride, you can call me. Would that work? I’ll stay here in the barn, and you just do your thing.”
“Why? Why would you do that?”
Ethan dropped his hands. “Same reason you put yourself between my father and me.”