Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
LEO
Metal clanged as Reed continued to pound on the door, his voice muffled as it filtered through the cracks.
“If you think I’m going to get tired and leave, you’re wrong,” he called again. “I have snacks, booze, and literally nothing to do. I’ve got time.”
I didn’t respond. I sat on my bed, with an ashtray by my side filled with burned ends, and another cigarette sitting between my teeth.
Everything was gray; the color was gone.
The butterfly wing blue eyes, the red ears and cheeks that glowed when she was mad or embarrassed, the midnight hair that spilled over her sheets.
She’s not coming back.
“You know what I don’t have, actually?” Reed’s tone made my brain itch. “A bathroom. I’m not gonna make it up six floors, dude. Let me in.”
It wasn’t empathy that made me finally open the door, or a need to have someone with me. Complete irritation, exasperation, and frustration—that’s what he saw when I finally let him in.
“Okay, I get it; you’re annoyed.” He walked straight by me, setting a six-pack on my countertop. “Fortunately, I’m used to it.”
Reed turned, taking everything in, and I waited for the comments. The remarks that would remind me of what I was, and what I failed to be. But nothing came—he didn’t say a word, or let his face change with revulsion. Instead, he cracked open two of the beers, and held one out.
“So, what’s the plan?”
I cocked my head, staring at his offering, before he shoved it in my hand. This was another new thing; beers with the boys. Unfortunately, it was at one of the worst times of my life, and the ‘new Leo’ had completely disappeared. In fact, I wasn’t sure he actually existed to begin with.
“No plan,” I mumbled, leaning against the counter as I took a sip. “Just gotta wait for our next orders. Same as always.”
Reed rested his elbows beside me, chugging the drink, before he set down the empty can with a clang. He repeated the action, taking down another, before he let out a long sigh.
“Yeah, no, not gonna work.” He crossed his arms. “We’re not going back to doom and gloom. I saw the light, man. And you know what? You’re actually decent to be around when you’re happy. We’ve been partners for a long time, and I’ve never seen where you live. Do you know how fucked up that is?”
“That’s a normal coworker relationship,” I ground out.
Reed pouted. “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Reed. I have a genetic mutation that makes me both a social pariah and a damn gold mine. My job is to fight criminals and suffocate the guy I work with. Did you hear anything normal about that?”
Point taken.
“This?” He gestured at me; the sweatpants, and black shirt with ash decorating the hem. “We’re not doing it. The pity party is done; it’s time to get your girl. It’s been two days—she’s cooled down, had her time to process, and now it’s time to swoop back in and make everything good again.”
I scowled. “I can’t fix this, Reed, and you know it. It’s done.”
For once, he didn’t back down. Although he was my keeper, my wrangler, I could usually intimidate him to back off. This time? He was solid stone; a barrier between myself and the tornado I wanted to succumb to.
“You aren’t giving her enough credit, and you’re not giving yourself any, either.
Listen, I know we don’t talk about it—which is entirely on you, by the way, because I’m an open fucking book—but you’ve been punishing yourself for years.
You can’t live like this.” Reed wasn’t talking about the steel walls, or the fireproof bedding.
“In fact, I can’t, and Alex can’t, either.
Mistakes were made, and it was fucked up, but we bounced back. We’re fucking superhuman, dude.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek, my pulse starting to race. Reed gave my arm a slap; an act of good intentions that had a little too much force behind it.
“We can do anything, including talking it out with our girlfriends. Or boyfriends, or whoever.”
Something started to heat up inside; it wasn’t embers that would set off a blaze, or the tingling feeling that Alex gave me. It was a possibility, maybe even hope. Reed was here, I had someone who cared enough to check up on me. Doors were still open, and the world hadn’t crumbled yet.
“What, ah…” I wrapped my hand around the back of my neck, struggling to find the words.
Alex helped me find a different voice, one that wasn’t laced with venom.
Something told me to use it now. I didn’t want to go back—I couldn’t go back to who I was before.
I wasn’t done changing yet. There was still something to prove; to Joon, to Alex, to everyone that had some semblance of hope for me.
“What do you think about me?” I asked finally.
Nope. That sounds like a fucking confession or something.
Reed let out a roaring laugh; one that made his head go back, and his beer spill over his fingers. When my frown threatened to touch my jaw, and he wiped tears from his eyes, he finally settled. He settled that mismatched gaze on me, and for once, his face was serious.
“You’ve got issues, but we all do. I think you were given a shitty hand—like, really shitty. Me? I wouldn’t have made it; I would’ve tapped out a while ago. But you? You’ve got grit, dude. And… I think you have a good heart.” He smiled, and everything stopped.
“You have a good heart,” Joon said, looking over the skyline of Nightmyre.
Back then, we were newbies, and the VIA had their eyes everywhere, watching me.
Not that they’d ever stopped; but in the beginning, every move I made was measured.
They’d asked Joon to report on me, even though we were partners.
He always lied for me, spun the truth so they’d see me in a better light.
We never talked about it, but Joon always knew.
The VIA had bet on me, and if they started taking losses, I would have traded my suit for a cell.
“We just gotta soften you up a bit,” he turned to me, grinning, “you’ll get there. I know you will.”
“—you’re fucking scary sometimes,” Reed said, and reality flooded back in. “But you’re a good guy, Leo. Go prove it.”
Alex opened the door on the first knock, as if she’d been expecting me. It was a blessing and a curse, because I wasn’t even sure what I had to say yet. The words blurted out, and there was no stopping them.
“I should have told you sooner,” I croaked, and the world spun. “I just… I didn’t know how to talk about it. I wasn’t sure how much you knew at first.”
Joon was always afraid I’d burn her—I never realized that this was how I’d do it. But I couldn’t let it go, couldn’t walk away anymore. I had to try.
“I always tried to get you to hate me,” I admitted.
“I wanted to keep you away. I know I’m dangerous, I know I’m an asshole, I know I…
I know I hurt people. You’re the only thing I ever wanted, and I know I ruined that, too.
But if I could explain, please. You deserve that, at least. And then I’ll be gone for good, I promise. ”
It made my stomach bottom out, admitting that this could be it. I’d tasted freedom, a piece of bliss that I’d never forget. Alex deserved the truth, at least. She deserved to know exactly why she should hate me.
Silence filled the air, my heart thudded in my ears, and she took my hand. The scent of lilacs covered her apartment, and when she pulled me into her bedroom, there was a candle sitting on her dresser. Right next to the picture of Joon. Alex was pale—not in the moonlight way, but in the sick way.
I did that.
Her sweatpants sagged off her hips, and an oversized cardigan hung off her shoulders, on top of a camisole that showed her belly.
I remembered kissing her, remembered the sounds she made when I scraped my teeth against her skin.
Was that only a few days ago that we were laying in her bed? It felt like a lifetime.
Alex sat, her arms wrapped around her legs as she pressed herself against the headboard. She patted the white comforter, and I obeyed. It still smelled like us, and I wondered how long it would take for that to fade. Especially when Joon lingered in the air.
Her eyes were red and puffy. Tissues sat on her bedside table, and clothes sat on the floor instead of her hamper. Alex’s home was always cluttered with items, but never messy.
My fault.
I never deserved her in the first place. I’d tricked myself into believing it — that anything between us could last, that I could actually be good for her. Good to her.
“They gave the orders,” she said finally, no emotion in her voice.
“Yes,” I breathed. “I didn’t… I didn’t know. There were more Villains than we’d thought, and the plan was to evacuate everyone before I…”
“Burned it all down?” Her words were a dagger to my heart.
“Yes.”
“And Joon was still inside.”
“… Yes.”
“That’s why there wasn’t a body after,” she chewed her bottom lip until it turned bloody. “You turned him to ash.”
I deserved it; every harsh word, every clip of the tone of her voice, like lashings against my skin.
The nightmares were nothing compared to this.
Alex refused to meet my eyes, and exhaustion hung on her shoulders.
I wanted to reach out, wanted to hold her against me and beg for forgiveness.
But I knew my place, at least. I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.
“I wanted everything to end, after that,” I admitted, something I never thought I would. But if anyone deserved to hear the truth, it was her. “Joon was one of the good guys, and I killed him.”
Her eyes snapped up, and I swallowed hard as my head throbbed.
“I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d caused that.
I thought he was out; they told me that he was out.
” Steam hissed off my skin, and embers shot off my tongue as I remembered the blinding rage I’d felt.
But Alex was here, surrounded by so many flammable things, and my temperature cooled instantly.
“I still don’t understand it. He should’ve been able to escape. ”
“I know,” she replied, and my heart stopped.
I cocked my head, holding my breath.
“I don’t know what happened, or why he wasn’t able to get out,” she swallowed. “And I know that it was an accident. I wish you had told me before I found out.”
I bowed my head. “I know. At the funeral, I saw you there, and I wanted to explain, but… I didn’t think you’d want to hear it, or speak to me. With all the media coverage, I assumed you knew. And then when I had Dahlia look into where you were, part of me wanted to tell you then, too.”
She leaned back, her chest expanding as she took in a deep breath. “So what changed? When you saw me again, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I’m a coward,” I said, and it was the most certain I’d ever been. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you hating me even more, and I didn’t want to make it worse. And when you stopped… I didn’t want to go back to that again. I didn’t want to be the Villain to you, too.”
Her lips pulled into her mouth as her face turned red; tears rimmed her eyes. She blinked, using the back of her hand to dab at her cheeks. I couldn’t help it, couldn’t control myself from leaning forward and swiping my thumb along her chin, catching the tears that fell.
Alex didn’t flinch away; an undeserved mercy.
“You wanted to tell me that morning,” she sighed. “You tried.”
I swallowed hard. “I waited too long.”
She shifted, biting her thumb before she shook her head. “I don’t blame you for it — his death, I mean.”
I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or destroyed. Alex was giving me grace, and I didn’t deserve an ounce of forgiveness or understanding. I didn’t deserve to be in her presence, to touch her skin, or kiss her lips.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” I croaked.
Alex was stronger than I could ever be, a force that had an endless fire, while I was just a simmering ember. She reached forward, threw her arms around my neck and I froze, terrified of what came next. Was this her way of saying goodbye?
“I can’t take it anymore,” she hiccuped. “I can’t take the grief, I can’t take the anger. I don’t want to hold it—I can’t.”
We were both crying now. Because this was definitely a goodbye, the end of something that had only just started.
“I’m so sorry,” I breathed.
She shook her head, that black hair falling around her shoulders as she nearly sat in my lap. “Stop. Just… release the dopamine.”
“What?”
Alex pulled back, her eyes hard as she glared at me.
“You’re going to hug me back, like a fucking man, and we’re going to get through this.
You’re going to start therapy because you desperately need it, and you’re going to stop hating yourself for this.
We can’t keep carrying it, Leo. I want to be happy again. ”
My lips trembled, and I obeyed. I wrapped my arms around her waist and crushed her into me, for once not terrified of hurting her. Alex melted into me, and I could breathe again.
“I want to show you what it’s like to be happy,” she whispered, burying her face in my neck. “It’s not going to get easier, but it’s going to get better. I promise.”
She’d broken me, wholly and completely. I crushed my lips against hers, desperate. Lemons and lilac, ash and musk. We were never meant to mix, but I wanted to be a man who deserved this kind of love.
That’s what this is.
I pulled back, no filter in sight as I blurted out, “I will fucking die trying to make it up to you. I’ll do better, I promise.”
“Good.” She cupped my face, and the smile she gave me was devastating, full of emotion. “No more secrets, no more self loathing, and no more dying. We’re going to pick our next goal, and sprint for it.”
I brushed my lips against hers, nodding as if I were under a spell. “Just like Joon always said.”
She nodded. “Exactly.”
Even when the world broke to pieces, Alex was able to pick it all back up, and keep pushing forward. She was perseverance incarnate, and I’d spend the rest of my life trying to catch up to her. I made that vow deep within myself just before her room exploded.