Chapter 30
THIRTY
DALLAS
Even after nearly twenty minutes, my heart is still pounding in my chest. A mixture of my father’s cruel words and my mother’s apology runs through my brain with a constant image of the moment his heart stopped beating before he fell nearly on top of me.
For a while, Memphis had me talk to a therapist. But the dream I just had?
That’s something I never said out loud. Obviously, the lady knew—it had to have been in my chart or something because when I was adopted, the details went with me, I’m sure.
But she never brought it up, and neither did I.
Haven’s here, beside me. She’s lying still, with her arm around me tightly, yet I wish she wasn’t. I don’t want her to see this side of me—the broken side. The side that can’t be fixed because in nightmares and deep-rooted memories, my past will always find a way to haunt me.
If she knows I’m stupid, and she knows I’m still the same fucked up, shattered kid I was when I first met her, why would she want to stick around? She pities me, I’m sure. And I fucking hate that.
When I feel her shift slightly, likely looking at me to see if I’m awake, I close my eyes and lie still, making sure my breathing is even. I don’t want to talk about anything right now. All I want to do is fall asleep, hoping like hell for no more nightmares tonight.
I love her. I love her more than I could ever love anything or anyone else.
Including myself.
And I guess that’s the problem. I fucking hate who I am right now. I’m scared that one day, she will too. And if I give her enough reasons, like how much of a dick I was tonight, she’ll have no choice.
HAVEN
His eyes may be closed, but I know he isn’t sleeping. His body is too tense, but I’m not going to call him out on it because right now, he gets to decide what makes him feel better after whatever happened in his nightmare.
I had just come to bed after only watching part of the movie and deciding to turn it off. My eyes were growing heavy as I curled up beside him, and even though my mind wouldn’t quiet and all I could think about was how we left things before he went to bed, I began to doze off.
At first, it was subtle. His body movements were only a little jumpy and restless. Soon though, he began to cry, and his entire face crumpled. I reached over to wake him, wanting to pull him from whatever terror he was facing, but that’s when he let out a blood-chilling scream.
I shook him awake, crying right along with him because that was the saddest sound I’d ever heard come from anyone.
I can feel him getting further away, even as I lie on this bed, holding him close. My biggest fears are coming true—he’s pushing me away. I knew this would eventually happen; I knew him enough to have seen it coming. But this soon? No way.
He’s about to find something out. And that something is … I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving him to fight his demons alone, even if, in the morning light, that’s what he tries to do. We said we loved each other, and I meant it.
He may be broken, but I’m the girl naive enough to believe I can fix him. So I’m staying right here, by his side.