ARI
TWENTY-FIVE
Beep. Beep.
I spent my entire Sunday with Wyatt, in bed, or in the shower, or at the dining table—eating, of course—or just simply lying on the couch watching TV.
Nothing interesting or captivating. Just something in the background that we could comment on while we talked about anything and everything that we could think of.
And when it was time for bed again, we spent the night together, being with each other as if for the first time. I couldn’t have my fill of this man. I didn’t know if I ever could.
So it was no wonder that I could hardly open my eyes the next morning. That I could hardly pull myself away from his arms long enough to check my phone.
Evan
Good morning, baby. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and that I love you. x
I sighed with my phone on my lap, staring at the message. The same message I’d been getting for close to four years now.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Why had I been doing this to myself? Four years of being haunted by the past. Four years of being reminded of what I’d lost every damn morning. Four years of stagnation.
This wasn’t a tribute to my dead husband. This was my denial digitized. My own refusal to accept the past, what had happened, over a healthy journey of grief.
“This is ridiculous,” I said and scrolled through my emails, trying to remember the website I’d used to set up this repetitive message.
You would have told me off a long time ago. This isn’t you.
Perhaps if I’d told anyone about the messages they would have made me realize sooner, but I guess it had to be Wyatt that showed me that what I was doing to myself wasn’t healthy. And he hadn’t even needed to open his mouth for me to come to this conclusion.
It was at the moment I found the email buried in my endless inbox when Wyatt’s hand slid over my stomach and he nuzzled next to me, breathing heavy over me as if inhaling my scent, and I felt my heart start to race.
“Morning,” he said into a kiss planted on my neck.
Goosebumps flowed from the spot to the small of my back and down my arms as heat pooled in my groin.
“What are you doing?” he asked, moving his kisses to the top of my arm, then to my chest.
“Disabling the message,” I said, my voice husky and a little weak, an effect of his kisses on me.
“What message? The message?” He looked up at me.
I nodded.
“You don’t have to do that for me,” he said, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“I’m not. I’m doing it for me. It’s time to let go.”
“You don’t have to. You love him. You shouldn’t have to do something you don’t want to,” he insisted.
It was sweet. There was no hint of jealousy in his tone or any insincerity, like he was parroting something he thought I wanted to hear. He was being genuine. And that made me want to do this all the more.
Because if I was going to start something with this man, if we were going to be more than just a hookup, I needed to give myself to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him to have to compete with a dead man.
“I want to. I need to,” I said. “It’s only right.
I should have done it a long time ago, but you…
you made me realize I was stuck. I have to let go.
It’s not him anyway. It’s my image of him.
My words I typed as if I were him. It was my comfort for a while, but this isn’t healthy.
This is wrong. He’ll always live in here.
” I pointed to my heart. “The real him. The memories we made together. I don’t need these fake words every morning. ”
Wyatt nodded gently and licked his lower lip but didn’t say anything else, and I finished logging into my account.
I disabled the service without a twinge of guilt and then logged back out, setting my phone down on the bedside table and turning my attention to him.
“Now,” I said, smiling. “Where were we?”
Wyatt reciprocated, and we wrapped our hands around each other, my body alight with need and passion, and a little admiration for the man and how he was handling everything. How he was handling me.
There was no doubt in my mind Wyatt was special. That I was destined to meet him. Destined to be with him, even if only for a little while.
The problem was I didn’t want him for a little while. The thought alone sent me spiraling. How could I be so attached to someone I’d only just met? How could the thought of losing him—of this thing between us not working out—make me so absolutely terrified I could cry.
I held on to him tighter, I kissed him harder, gazed deeper into his eyes, as if any of this could stop whatever was meant to happen.
I didn’t know if I had any control over this, over us, but if I did, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would fight for him as if he was my everything.
Just before I started work, I went on a little walk along the waterfront, on the boardwalk by the harbor and ducked into Bubble Bubble to grab myself a sweet milky tea and try to cast my day with Wyatt out of my head. So far it had proved impossible.
“Doctor, good morning,” Parker said when I approached the counter, and I rolled my eyes, laughing.
“Please just call me Ari,” I said.
The man in front of me nodded and ruffled his hair with a smile.
Behind him, in the back room, was his fiancé, Hwan, on the phone looking dejected and worried. It was quite the stark difference to the usual, chirpy, happy Hwan. Especially with Parker being the one smiling.
“Everything okay?” I asked, nodding toward Hwan’s direction.
“The usual?” Parker asked before he answered my question while preparing my drink. “It’s fine. He’s just trying to find a new venue for the wedding, but it’s not going well so far.”
“Oh,” I said. “You don’t have a venue?”
Parker shrugged. “We did. But the first one burned down, and the second one…well, it burned down too,” he said, and he didn’t need to say the quiet part out loud. Someone had also died at the second potential venue.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s not long now, is it? Until the big day?”
Parker shook his head. “Just under a month. Hence the panic. Hwan is starting to say this wedding is cursed. He thinks we’ve caused these incidents with our insolence for daring to get married when everything is shit.”
I reached across the counter for Parker, and even though his hands were busy, he did look down and smiled appreciatively at the gesture.
“This isn’t your fault, guys. You know that, right?”
“I do. Hwan does too, but…he can’t help but feel upset. He’s tried to postpone it because of what’s going on, but I keep telling him we shouldn’t. I have to remind him we’re not just doing it for us but for little Levi too.”
Five-year-old Levi had been placed under their care last November, and it had been completely unexpected but more than appreciated.
There was still a long way to go before they could adopt him, but neither of them seemed bothered with fostering the young kid until there was a decision on reunification with his bio family.
“How’s Levi doing? How are you all getting on?”
Parker’s smile deepened. “He’s doing great. He’s still not talking, but we’re trying to find other creative ways to help him communicate with us.”
“Let me know if you need any help. I can find research and resources to help. Is there talk about autism assessment?”
“Yeah, we have booked an appointment to talk to a specialist, but we’ll see. It might be that his abusive home stunted his development so much that all he needs is some normalcy to catch up. If not, we’ll be there to support him either way.”
Parker turned around and put my tea in the blender before he spoke again as he passed me my cup.
“Now that you know his circumstances better, do you think there’s a chance of reunification?”
Parker bit his lip. “No. I don’t think so. There would have to be some sort of miracle.”
“I see. So you think you’ll adopt him? When all is said and done?”
Parker looked behind him, at Hwan and pressed his lips together. “We told ourselves we wouldn’t even flirt with the idea until we know for sure he won’t be taken from us, but…yeah. We definitely will.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
It was definitely a good sign for them as parents that they weren’t the least bit hesitant of adopting a child that might have higher developmental needs than most.
“That’s great. I’m crossing all my fingers and toes for you guys. And for little Levi, of course. He deserves a good family.”
Parker smiled and nodded, and when I tried to pay, he dismissed me. “On the house. For the kind words,” he said.
I raised an eyebrow. “How do you know I won’t take advantage of that,” I said. “I’m full of kind words.”
Parker chuckled. “I’m sure you are. Let’s take it on a case-by-case basis and see where that gets us.”
“Diplomatic. Smart.” I winked at him and left with my free bubble tea just as Slade walked in with his boyfriend and their dog, Pixel.
I couldn’t help but stand outside the shop and look inside, look at the men Wyatt had brought to the island and the community he’d helped build here.
Why could he only see the bad stuff that had happened? Why couldn’t he see the good things that had happened as a result? All these men, all these people that had found love on Mayberry Holm. That had found a place and someone to call home. That was his doing. That was all him.
Maybe he needed to spend more time with his old teammates. He needed to see what he’d helped create. Maybe I could help him see all that and so much more. And maybe that would make him realize he didn’t destroy lives. He made them.