6. Violet
6
Violet
T he car window was cool on my cheek as I leaned my head against it. I felt the vibrations of the tires, but it didn’t soothe me at first. Not until after an hour of driving when the landmarks became familiar. I could make them out even in the dark.
I saw the giant billboard for a local diner; a sign I’d always used on the highway to indicate I was home. We drove past the grocery store I shopped at. The gym I went to. The music studio I’d learned to play piano in as a child. The lights were out now. I thought of the instruments growing dust in the dark building.
The pressure in my chest eased as I took in the sights. The fear of the men in the car with me lessened. Reid was driving the sleek black SUV. Maverick was in the passenger seat, his gaze diligent on the traffic around us like he expected a threat. Connor sat in the back with me, leaving an empty spot between us.
The space was welcome. As was the warmth of the interior and the baggy clothes. My stomach tumbled as I wondered what my parents were going to say. As I worried if I would be able to take their hugs of comfort and joy or if the physical touch would be overwhelming. They must have been frantic these past few months.
I was filled with regret. In the first few weeks I was taken, all I thought about was the last time I saw them and the fight we’d had. On the bad days, the ones where I believed I was going to die, I hated that my last words to them were in anger. I replayed that night over and over in my mind.
* * *
My jaw tensed. My teeth creaking together as I listened to my mother drone on and on about my ex-boyfriend. I tried to focus on the dish in my hand. The rough sponge on my palm as I scrubbed our dinner away.
I’d already heard what she had to say a million times. Jesus Christ, I’d broken up with the guy three years ago. I was dating someone else now, not that this relationship was going any better. But she was still talking about my ex. How much she hated him. How he was weak. Stupid. Worthless.
I knew she actually meant me.
“I get it, Mom! You didn’t like him.” I finally cracked. The guilt of yelling at my mother left an acidic taste on my tongue. But I couldn’t take it anymore.
“That’s my cue.” Aaron, my half-brother, chuckled as he stood from the kitchen table. It was clear we didn’t share a full set of parents. His hair was lighter than my black. His skin tanner than my pale. He looked like your average mid twenty-something in jeans with a mullet haircut.
“Right behind you.” Craig, our other brother, followed, leaving their dessert plates on the table for me to clean up. He was an older version of Aaron. Except he had a better hairstyle and wore a suit.
My step-father was already watching the game in the living room. They’d only lingered in here to have a piece of cake. My brothers never helped with our weekly family dinners.
They’d given up on trying to stop my mother’s rants about me long ago. Something they seemed to avoid. They each kissed her on the cheek before retreating.
“It’s been years since we broke up. Can’t you let it go?” I tried to reason with her again for what felt like the hundredth time. “I’m with Simon now.”
I winced, knowing that wouldn’t be true after tonight. And I’d have to hear about that too. How she wasn’t surprised because I always picked the wrong men. They were too good for me. Not good enough. Too quiet. Too loud. Too nice. Too rude.
The unfairness of it washed over me as I watched my brothers walk away unscathed. She didn’t criticize their romantic life or career choices, even though none of us was sure what they did for a living. Something in investing. Needless to say, they made more than I did as a struggling pianist.
Maybe I wouldn’t care that I was broke if I truly wanted to be a professional pianist. But I didn’t. I used to love playing and when mom saw I had a talent for it, she paid for lessons. Sent me away to music summer camps. She wanted this dream more than I did. I just didn’t want to disappoint her.
“You should never have dated him.” She held her head up. Not an ounce of regret on her face. Or sympathy that I had no desire to keep revisiting my mistakes.
The water sloshed as I turned back to washing the dishes. Scrubbing harder than was necessary. “Well, I’m sorry, just add it the list of ways I’ve disappointed you.”
My failed career. My tiny apartment. The fact that I’m still not married to some rich guy. That I didn’t have kids of my own. The list was endless to her.
“You’re so sensitive.” She rolled her eyes. The anger inside me swelled like the filling of the sink. It was getting dangerously close to the edge.
She always did this. Made her rudeness my problem.
“I’m not sensitive. You’re being mean.”
“I just want what’s best for you. You’re better than this.” And there was the guilt.
She had these moves down to a practiced dance. But I didn’t know how to get out of my part. How to not let it bother me.
“What do you want me to say?” I was shouting now. The dishes smacked together as I slammed them into the drying rack. “It was a mistake to date him! Fine, I made a mistake. Are you happy? Everyone makes mistakes!”
Her lips pursed as she straightened in the kitchen chair. And I knew she wouldn’t back down. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not in this lifetime. “I’ve never made a mistake in my life.”
I snapped. The anger overflowed. Splashing until it coated every inch of my skin. I couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth.
“Oh yeah? What about your first marriage?”
I knew she regret marrying my father. She didn’t have to say that she regretted having me, too. That she’d wished she only had Aaron and Craig.
She’d divorced my father when I was three and I hadn’t seen him since. I considered my step-dad to be my dad. I’d never felt like I was missing out.
But I couldn’t stand here and take her abuse anymore. Her lies. She wasn’t perfect. Why did she expect me to be?
“Violet!” My mother screamed. Her hand flew to her open mouth.
“Whoa.” My brothers had twin looks of shock on their faces.
“Too far.”
“That’s enough!” I flinched as my step-father appeared in the doorway. His deep voice whipped through the air, but it couldn’t penetrate the angry shell that surrounded me.
My jaw clenched as I stared at them. They were so quick to come to her defense, but never mine. “Yeah it is. I’m done.”
I dropped the rest of the dishes in the sink. The splashing almost drowned out my mother’s voice. “I just want what’s best for you.”
I sucked in a deep breath, staring down at the floor. I couldn’t face her. “What does that even mean?”
“Someone stable. Someone to provide for you.” Because I couldn’t provide for myself. She didn’t need to say it. I knew it was what she meant. “Like Simon.”
My chuckle was harsh. “You only like him because he’s friends with Aaron and Craig.” And I’d only dated him for that reason. To get her off my back. “It doesn’t matter anymore because I’m breaking up with him tonight.”
“Violet.” She always said my name like that. Filled with utter disappointment.
I saw it shining in her eyes when I lifted my head to look at her. “I wish that what you wanted was for me to be happy.”
No one said a word as I stalked towards the door. My purse seemed to weigh a million pounds as I grabbed it and stepped outside. I was so exhausted. Tired of being a disappointment. Of bending my life to meet her expectations, only to have them change again.
I willed myself to walk to my car, not run. To not show any more of my pain. Sometimes I thought that was what she really wanted. To hurt me. See me bleed.
Then I’d remember she was my mother, and that was crazy. She probably was trying to help. She just didn’t know how.
My fingers ached as I drove home. The force of holding myself together radiated through my body. It made my limbs tense. Sucked the life from me.
A few minutes later, my phone rang. Craig’s name appeared on the car display. I considered sending it to voicemail, but it wasn’t him I was upset with.
Still, I couldn’t keep the sadness from my voice. “Yeah?”
There was a beat where I assumed he was considering if he should hang up. If it was worth trying to convince me I’d overreacted. “Don’t forget to give Simon that folder.”
I flicked my gaze to the passenger seat where I’d dumped my purse and the manila envelope Craig had asked me to give to Simon. Of course, he hadn’t known I was going over there to break up with him.
“I’ve got it.”
“Violet, you know she doesn’t mean it. That’s just mom.”
“I’m so sick of everyone telling me that.” I wished I sounded angry. Instead, it came out defeated. “She can say whatever she wants. Act however she wants and we just have to take it. But I make one comment and now I’m the bitch.”
I heard his deep exhale over the line. It mixed with the road noise as I continued towards Simon’s house. I should reschedule, but I couldn’t, since Craig made it clear before dinner that it was important to deliver his envelope tonight.
“Vi.”
“Don’t.” I cut him off before I got into an argument with another family member. He and Aaron would never understand. Our relationships with my parents weren’t the same.
I vowed to treat my kids differently. To make them each feel special. I’m not a parent much to their dismay, but I didn’t understand my mom’s behavior.
Why would she want me to believe they didn’t make mistakes? All it did was make me feel like more of a failure. Make it impossible for me to come to her when I needed help. Because I can’t stand to see the disillusionment in her face. Can’t bear the feeling of worthlessness.
I wanted to think the best of her. Believe she did it because she didn’t want to appear weak. Because she wanted me to see how strong and capable she was. But it had the opposite effect.
“Maybe you should reconsider this thing with Simon.” I wasn’t surprised by his reaction. He was always the way who tried to smooth things over. “He’s got a house in Florida. You could finally take that vacation. Get a little space from Mom. You just need a break from each other. Some perspective.”
“I’ll think about it.” I knew I was lying. Simon and I were never a good idea. I hated that this might hurt Craig’s business, but I couldn’t pretend anymore.
And it wouldn’t help. Time apart from Mom wouldn’t change anything. Not unless she wanted to work on herself.
“You need to stop letting her get to you.”
He said it like it was so easy. Like each word didn’t cut into my heart, leaving a hole I couldn’t fill.
“I’m almost there. I’ll talk to you later.” I just wanted to end the call. I didn’t want to hear his platitudes. Or vague advice. She was who she was. I needed to protect my own peace of mind.
His deep sigh came through the line, but he didn’t press further. “Thanks for bringing him the envelope. I really appreciate it, Vi.”
A smile twitched on my lips. “Love you, too.”
The low music from my stereo filled the car after he’d hung up. I hit the skip button on the steering wheel, trying to find a song that fit my mood. I clicked it over and over again, but nothing felt right.
I was grateful when I finally pulled into Simon’s driveway. Staring up at the giant six-bedroom house, I wondered if that was part of the reason I’d agreed to date him. I’d wasted a month of my life on a guy because he was rich. Because it would impress my parents.
It wasn’t fair to him. This break up was good for both of us. He deserved someone who cared about him.
My headlights flashed over the front door, illuminating Simon. It was like he’d sensed something was wrong and had come outside. I took a deep breath, telling myself that was better. I wouldn’t even have to go in.
Insects chirped around me as I got out of the car and walked up the stone path. “Hi.”
“Violet.” He wore a dress shirt with several buttons undone showing a lot more chest hair than I liked. I saw a flash of a gold ring on his pinkie finger as he ran his hand over his neatly trimmed beard. “I thought you were coming by later.”
I shrugged, not wanting to explain why I was here early. “Dinner was quicker than normal.” I thrust the manila folder into his hand. “Craig asked me to give this to you.”
His fingers brushed mine as he took it. I waited to feel something at that brief touch. Heat or passion. Regret. Anything that told me breaking up with him was a mistake. But I felt nothing.
I stared at him, trying to understand what I’d seen in this relationship. Unwilling to believe it had all been for my mother. For my brothers, who’d insisted I give him a chance.
His hair was salt and pepper and slicked back, which only emphasized the widow’s peak and receding hairline. He was twenty pounds overweight and twenty years too old for me.
“I can’t stay, but I wanted to talk for a minute.” My eyes drifted down to our feet. Mine covered in scuffed up sneakers. His in expensive loafers. More proof we weren’t right together. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
My heart gave a rough beat as I waited for his response. I’d never expected the chuckle that greeted my ears. My head shot up to look at him. He leaned against the stone of his house, relaxed. A smile pulled on his lips, but it wasn’t kind or happy.
“You think it’s that easy?”
I blinked in confusion. “Easy? I mean, it doesn’t have to be hard. We weren’t going out that long.”
“Going out?” He laughed again. Anxiety pricked at my skin as he reached up a hand. He stroked gently down my cheek. I resisted the urge to flinch or pull away. I wanted this to be pleasant. Another fight was the last thing I needed. “You’re so fucking na?ve.”
“What?” My body jerked in surprise. He’d never been mean or harsh to me before. I had no idea where this was coming from.
Before I could even process what was happening, his hand moved down and wrapped around my throat. I gagged as he cut off my air. Instinctively, my fingers clawed at his palm, but he didn’t let go.
“What are you doing?” I gasped as he pulled me forward. My feet tripped over themselves as I tried to keep up with him.
“Taking what I’m owed.” He jerked the door open, shoving me in front of him. “You were given to me. You don’t get to just walk away.”
My head swam. I wasn’t sure if it was lack of oxygen or fear or confusion. I had no idea what he was talking about. My heart slammed into my ribs as he threw the envelope onto a table.
I watched cash splash across the polished wood surface. My eyes widened in shock. I saw too many hundreds to count. There must be thousands of dollars there. Craig said they were documents. What was he doing with that much money?
But I had bigger problems. I tried to struggle against Simon’s hold as he dragged me through his house, but he wrapped an arm around my waist, lifting me off my feet. My limbs froze as his grip dug into my flesh.
Rooms flashed by, but I couldn’t make anything out through my panic. I’d been here before and everything was expensive. A house too big for one person. Too pretty for the horror that was happening.
I didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t the nice, but boring guy I’d dated. The friend of my brothers I’d been set up with. My boyfriend. This was the monster he’d hidden behind the mask.
Fear made my mouth water. I tried to claw at his hand again. A nail ripped off as I connected with his ring. A scream tore from my lungs, dying on his palm.
“Hmm.” He hummed in appreciation. The vibrations sent a wave of nausea through me. “Your brothers told me you were a fighter. I like that. They’re more fun to break.”
He pushed open a door to a bedroom. With one hand, I reached for the doorjamb. My fingers scraped along it. They gripped the wood frame. I held on with everything I had. Panic twisted in my gut as I tried to get away.
A pathetic whimper left my lips as I scratched towards safety. He clutched my waist tighter and, with a hard jerk, broke my hold. My breaths became shallow as I saw the bed.
This couldn’t be happening. Things like this happened in movies or documentaries. I never thought it would happen to me. I had a boring life. A normal life.
“Please! Please!” I begged as he lifted me from the ground, carrying me towards a closet. “People will notice I’m missing. My brothers know I’m here here. You’re the first person they’ll check with.”
“Then I’ll just kill them, sweetheart.” My heart plummeted to my knees. Bile rose in my throat. “I’ll even let you watch.” He chuckled, and the sound was pure evil.
It was an empty threat. It had to be. But my movements slowed ever so slightly. My legs swung, but I didn’t connect with anything. My fingers groped along the closet door, but found nothing to hold on to.
The next thing I knew, I was being tossed onto the floor. There were no shelves for clothes or racks of shoes. It was empty, except for a cot with a thin blanket. He planned this.
My arm smacked into the hard flooring. The pain radiated through my body. The breath whooshed from my lungs.
I watched in horror as the door was slammed closed. I was plunged into darkness. Even through my whimper, I heard the sound of a lock clicking.
And I knew I’d left everything normal behind.