39. Violet
39
Violet
T he warmth was what woke me. The heat radiating from the two solid walls of muscle who held me in their embrace. An arm over my stomach. Another resting on my thigh. A leg tossed over mine. One in between my knees.
We were a mess of limbs, completely tangled together. I’d never felt safer. Or more cherished.
I’d become used to having them here each night. They kept my mind from wandering to dangerous places. From remembering things I’d rather not.
But this felt different. Like we’d crossed a line. Like it wasn’t to keep the nightmares away, but because we wanted to be near each other.
I snuggled further into their comfort without opening my eyes. I tried to find the rhythmic breathing of sleep. Hoping if I did, then the doubts wouldn’t creep in.
But they found me.
My thoughts raced. I’d allowed each of them to come in my mouth last night. I’d let them make me come. Let Reid touch me in a place no one ever had. What would my family say if they knew? They already thought I made bad decisions.
This wasn’t how people healed. What was I doing? What would everyone think?
“You’re awake.” Reid’s low voice startled me and I shot up. But Connor and Maverick didn’t move as their arms fell away. I missed the contact immediately.
But Reid’s soft expression captivated me. His blue eyes drank me in as if he’d never seen anything more beautiful. They created a tingle along my skin. I felt them ghosting over my pale green negligee.
I’d bought it before. Imagining I’d have a boyfriend to show it to. I hadn’t pictured wearing it while waking up with three of them. Not that they were my boyfriends. Friends with benefits was maybe more accurate.
“Come here.” He held his hand out, beckoning me to him. I couldn’t even pretend I didn’t want to go.
I crawled to the end of the bed, trying not to wake the others. When I reached the edge, he grasped my hand, pulling me gently into his lap. My legs lay across his. My hands were clasped together. He pressed my head until it hit his shoulder. It only took a second for my body to relax against him.
His fingers stroked my thigh as he held me. The other rubbing the nape of my neck. I resisted the urge to run my fingers along his taut muscles, remembering how forcibly he demanded I not touch him.
My hand ached to reach out. To feel his skin. His heart beat, but I stayed still. Wondering what had happened to him, but afraid to ask. Worried I couldn’t handle it. I could barely keep myself together right now. I wouldn’t be able to take on their pain as well.
Instead, I contented myself with staring up at him. “Don’t you sleep?”
His lip twitched, like my concern for him was funny. “I need very little. How are you feeling after yesterday?”
A sigh worked through my body. My chest rose with it. It made an audible sound when it escaped me. Should I tell him the truth? I’d never lied to them and I had no reason to start now.
“Honestly, I’m not sure.” I tucked my head into his neck, hoping to hide the embarrassment on my face.
His fingers stilled as my lips brushed his skin. I froze, but after a moment, he continued the soothing motions again. I kept my mouth right there, feeling his pulse beat on my lips as my mind twisted.
Maybe it would be better if I pretended I was fine with everything. That I didn’t feel guilt or worry. A hint of shame and fear.
My parents had already disowned me over a fight about an ex and he was a decent man; just not the one for me. I had no chance to repair the relationship with my family while hiding away with three guys.
And what would my brothers think? The two people I’d risked my life for. Stayed locked up to keep safe. I still wasn’t sure they were.
My skin heated as Reid grasped my chin. My lips parted as he guided my gaze to his. “Thank you for telling me the truth. That’s how it should be.”
I didn’t know what to say; all I managed was a short nod. These men weren’t like any I’d known. Most guys would rather I pretend. As long as they were getting what they wanted, it didn’t matter how I felt. But not Reid, Connor and Maverick.
His thumb stroked my jaw, and I melted into him. “Let’s talk through it. What’s bothering you?”
My spine stiffened. “I j—just.” My voice trailed off as I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at his piercing gaze when I told him. “I feel like a slut.”
The word was whispered, but it seemed to echo around us. Fill the space until there was no room for anything else. I remembered all the times someone had called me that. My mother. Simon.
Reid and Maverick.
His hand fell to my neck. My eyes flicked open when his fingers flexed. There was no pain in his grasp, but I could feel the command. His blue gaze was still soft and adoring as he watched me.
“Why? Because you took all three of us? You’re not a slut, pretty girl. We’re not passing you around to random men.” His grip tightened. “In fact, if anyone else touches you, I’ll kill them. It might look different, but we’re together. All of us. We fit.”
I ignored the racing of my pulse. He didn’t mean it like I thought he did. He’d been trying to stop this from the beginning. “That seems like a sudden change of heart.”
My chest constricted as he brought his face closer to mine. His lips ghosted over my forehead. Our noses brushed. My lashes fluttered, skimming across his skin.
“It wasn’t a change. I just needed to get my mind to listen to my heart.”
My breathing stopped at his words. I didn’t know what to say. I only knew I didn’t want this to vanish. I felt safe with them. Desired. Whole.
Reid pressed our mouths together. The kiss was loving. Not full of heat, but affection. “You’re special, pretty girl. We need you.”
My teeth sank into my bottom lip as more worries fluttered in my chest. “It’s hard to believe that when you were calling me a slut last night.”
He had the audacity to smile. “Did you like it?”
“I—.” But he cut me off with a squeeze of his hand on my neck.
“Did your pussy get all wet when I called you names? When Maverick made you beg for it?”
Heat flooded my cheeks and other places. I wanted to look away from the flames in his eyes. From the burning of his touch.
He released my throat, running his knuckles over the color on my cheeks. “Is this because you liked it or because you’re embarrassed?”
My lips rolled together as if I could contain the truth. “I liked it.”
His smile turned into a smirk. “And that’s why I said it. Because it drove you crazy. It wasn’t a judgment.” His thumb trailed along my bottom lip. I could see the memories of last night replaying behind his eyes. I felt the echoing of it throughout my body. “You also liked it when we called you a good girl. Our good girl.”
Everywhere he touched felt like it was on fire. My body screamed at me to give into him. To let this happen.
But my mind rebelled. Years of trying to be the perfect child distorted who I was. What I really wanted.
“I shouldn’t.”
I was supposed to be traumatized. Afraid. But it was hard to find those feelings when I was with them.
Reid’s blue eyes turned to stone. His mouth pinched. I could see his anger as clear as day. But he kept his touch light. He didn’t take it out on me.
“He made you believe that, but it’s not true. He took you. He hurt you. That makes him a fucking monster, so why are you listening to the words of a psychopath?”
A muscle popped in his jaw. The rage radiating off him soothed me. His reaction showed me I was right in my fear and horror over what had happened to me. It’s what I wanted from my family, but didn’t get.
The mattress squeaked, drawing my gaze to Connor and Maverick. I had no idea how long they’d been awake watching. Connor stood and walked around the bed towards us.
“We respect you. We’d never make you do something you don’t want to.” He knelt, as if he was trying to appear less intimidating. He was shirtless with his lean muscles on display. But I didn’t find them scary. Instead, my insides fluttered. “We want to show you how great it could be. How much you’d love giving yourself to us.”
“The right way,” Reid added. “With safe words and discussions about limits.”
Maverick came to my other side, kneeling next to Connor. They surrounded me and, like always, it made me feel comforted. Accepted. “We want you, belladonna. But only if you want us too.”
“How can it be safe if you won’t let me go?”
I knew they wouldn’t hurt me in bed. They’d proved how seriously they took the safe word when they continually asked for it. But what about everything else?
Reid’s pulled me closer to him as if he was afraid I’d run away any moment. “That’s for your protection until we find your brothers.”
“You’re not our captive.” Connor squeezed my knee as if to reassure me.
“What am I?”
It was Maverick who answered. “Our girl.”
Is that what I wanted to be?
Yes.
The decision didn’t even take a second. It was as if I’d always wanted to be theirs.
I wasn’t going to worry about other people’s opinions. I wouldn’t make my healing focused on what I thought it should be. It didn’t need to be painful. I’d had enough of that. Maybe this was what I needed. Pleasure. Happiness.
Them.
It didn’t have to be forever. But right now, they were all I wanted. To feel safe. Desired. Needed.
“Okay.”
“Fuck yes.” The word was hardly past my lips before Mav was grabbing the back of my head and crashing our mouths together. The kiss was brutal. Like a gunshot at the start of a race. A clashing of tongues and teeth.
The second we broke apart, Connor was leaning up to meet my lips. He kissed me as if he knew it wouldn’t be the last time. Slow and soft. Comfortable like we’d known each other for years, not weeks.
Reid was the most restrained, placing kisses along my face. My forehead and cheeks, the tip of my nose, before a quick brush of our lips. It made me feel cherished, but when he pulled back, his expression was businesslike.
“What are your limits?”
My fingers twisted in my lap. I’d never done this before. I’d experienced things with them I never pictured doing and I loved it all. But I wasn’t sure how to talk about it. “I don’t know.”
Maverick’s rough palm landed over mine, stilling my hands and my churning insides. “We’ll list stuff and you tell us yes or no.”
“Sex?” Reid started.
“Of course.”
Maverick quirked a brow. “Anal sex?”
Heat burst between my legs as I held his gaze. My tongue ran over my bottom lip and he watched with rapt attention. My answer was so quiet I didn’t know how they heard it over my beating heart. “Yes.”
“Fuck, I’m hard.” A laugh bubbled out of me at his response. I’d never felt with anyone the way I felt with them. Both turned on and happy. It was like being weightless. Floating in a place where worries and fears didn’t exist.
“Keep your shit together. We’re not done.” Connor chastised him. He gave my knee another squeeze. “What’s a hard no, little bloom?”
“Drugs.”
Like my answer to being theirs, my response was quick. I vividly remembered feeling out of control. Not being able to fight back. The twists and turns in my mind as I tried to figure out what was reality and what was a nightmare.
“That’s fair.”
“No exhibitionism.” My head snapped to Maverick’s in surprise. The dimple on his cheek was standing out as he stared at me like his limit was obvious. “You’re ours. Nobody will ever see you naked again.”
“I don’t want anyone else.”
Just the idea made my stomach tumble. I had no desire to even talk to other men.
“Never again.” Reid kissed my temple. A shiver of anticipation chased away my anxieties. “We’ll keep you safe.”
I desperately wanted to trust them. The truth was, I already did. I was afraid what I felt for them went a lot deeper than trust.