Houston
“Dad, I’m really sorry. I know I keep getting in trouble, but I just get upset.
” Malone’s head was still hanging low, and I wasn’t feeling it.
I wasn’t upset with him, only with his actions.
I was also upset that I didn’t have the answers or know how to help him.
Lord knows I wished I could walk in his shoes.
As a father, I wanted to understand what was going on in that curly head of his.
I would take that shit on the chin and trade places with him for as long as he needed.
“Mal man, don’t sweat it. I know school is hard.” I prided myself on being the type of father that tried to lighten any mood. He had already dealt with a lot. A lot that most couldn’t comprehend. I grew up with both of my parents around, so I couldn’t understand what he was going through.
Parenting was more than a notion. It was more than gifts on birthdays and holiday visits.
It took love, care, and action. I never imagined I would have to step up and be the provider, voice of reason, and best friend.
But when the moment presented itself, I didn’t falter or hesitate to be more than a sperm donor.
Leslie’s parents begged me to give him up and let them do the raising, but I refused. Without Leslie, I knew it would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. However, seeing his face every morning was what gave me the strength to carry on. I would never turn my back on a piece of Leslie.
“It’s not hard, it’s easy. I get uninterested and I just start going wild,” he answered still holding his head down and fiddling with his thumbs.
“Hey, what I tell you about speaking to me without making eye contact. We men and men make eye contact,” Malone smiled and raised his head to meet my eyes.
I smiled back and closed his door. I kept telling myself we would get through this together, but I wasn’t so sure.
“It’s always going to be me and you against the world.
Never hold your head down in shame, son. You messed up so stand behind that.”
On the ride to the office, I couldn’t focus on the rambling and questions Malone asked.
My mind was constantly going back to Teaghan.
Her inviting and yet fostering smile was the thing that would satiate my need for that womanly touch.
The way she comforted me without knowing what I was struggling with almost caused me to buckle.
She was sophisticated with her fancy outfit and personalized pen, but still seemed down-to-earth.
That was the problem with Ms. Norwood, her fucking nose was always in the air.
She spent too much time looking down and judging everyone else that sat on the opposite side of her desk.
We didn’t connect instantly like Teaghan and me.
She never asked if things were ok or if she could help.
It was always a bunch of toxic energy floating whenever I spoke with her.
Now that I had Teaghan’s card, I would prefer to deal with her if it came to that.
“Are you listening to me?” Malone asked from the backseat.
Jarred out of my thoughts, I tried to answer the best I could.
Driving and thinking about the lady that stole the show was a task I hadn’t mastered.
Visions of her smooth thighs, the softness of her hands, and the way she spoke with care swarmed my mind viciously and for a second had me considering getting back in the game.
When Leslie passed, I swore off dating or getting too comfortable with women.
It was silly because I wasn’t a man scorned.
No one had hurt me or turned me off from the most precious creatures on the planet.
With Malone around, I was now just selective about who I had around him.
I didn’t want his hopes getting high. It was hard because I had needs, but parenting came first. Malone was the only thing I had left and pushing him to the side when he needed me the most for a set of thighs wasn’t how I got down.
“I’m always listening to you, son,” I replied, merging into traffic. Although I hadn’t heard a damn thing Malone said, I did pretty well with pretending by nodding my head in agreement.
“I think you were daydreaming while operating a motor vehicle,” Malone replied matter-of-factly.
“And how do you know that?”
“She’s pretty, so I understand.” A smile graced my face because my boy had taste; she was more than pretty.
Teaghan was a ravishing sight. Her slanted eyes gave her so much appeal.
Her full set of lips housed a set of perfect white teeth, and her skin was a gorgeous color of deep brown. Teaghan had it all, beauty and brains.
When Malone would sleep, I lay awake in an empty bed, wishing I still had someone to talk to on a deeper level.
I never took the initiative to find it. Now I focused on shit I could handle.
I didn’t think I was ready to embark on a journey that would potentially make me forget about what I shared with my wife.
And I wasn’t ready to put Malone off. We were tight like a perfectly crafted rope, he was my main man for life.
We were doing just fine with no interruptions or diversions.
It seemed lame, but he was all I had. His company always did the trick after a long day.
“What are we eating for dinner?” I asked not giving into his idea of him daydreaming about Teaghan.
I was headed to my office so thoughts of her had to take a backseat until I was alone.
I still had work to do and Malone would just have to tag along for the ride.
You couldn’t convince me Malone wasn’t cutting up just to cut out of school early, “I gotta work first but after that, it’s me and you for the rest of the night. ”
He was a good personal assistant when he wasn’t annoying the customers.
Not many could deny how cute he was, so it wasn’t often that I got bad feedback.
It was times like this I wished I wasn’t doing it alone.
I never believed in gender roles until I had to pick him up from school one day, figure out how to work and prepare dinner once I got home.
This would have been something Leslie would have loved to do.
She was always so good with children. That led me to thoughts about Teaghan again.
I appreciated someone confirming that it wasn’t me being an asshole with Ms. Norwood.
Inwardly, I smiled when she professionally called her out today. Someone saying what I was thinking was long overdue. Malone was one of the eight black students who attended Coupeville Prep, and it was clear she wasn’t pleased with that. Teaghan recognizing that brought me silent joy.
For a minute, I thought I was crazy and just being one of those protective parents who felt their kid could do no wrong. I was protective, but I knew something was off. Ms. Norwood had a stick up her ass and a hard on for fucking with kids’ futures that didn’t look like her.
“I want pasta. Did you know that in North Africa, couscous is kinda like pasta?”
“Nah son, I didn’t know that. But there’s a lot I don’t know that you do,” I laughed.
Humor always found a way to my heart at the randomness and the amount of knowledge Malone possessed.
His intelligence was a gift and a damn curse.
Leslie created a monster when she started instilling school into him.
“And son, that’s why I need you to chill out on that cutting up.
You can’t learn if you can’t go to school. ”
“I’m trying, Dad, it’s just I get so bored and mad that Mom isn’t here with us, with you.
You need a girlfriend, I think,” he admitted.
Saying what I thought about in my alone time.
And maybe I didn’t need a girlfriend but a companion of some sort.
They had sober companions for recovering addicts.
I wondered if they had grieving companions for souls yearning for what they now miss.
A girlfriend was taking it a little far, but nothing was too far for Malone.
“A girlfriend,” I questioned as we pulled up to my office.
Parking the car, I turned to make eye contact.
This was the first time he ever mentioned finding a girlfriend.
The admission caught my attention as I didn’t even know how he knew anything about girlfriends.
That wasn’t something they should be teaching in that high-priced ass school.
“I have one and you should too. I know you miss Mom, but you can go out and have fun or something. Sitting at home is lame, and you still have nice clothes. Get some Jordans and go out with Uncle Luke,” he instructed.
“I will never be able to replace your mom, so I’ll pass,” I answered and chuckled at the shit he came up with. I blew over him having a girlfriend because I wouldn’t dare ask who she was if I planned to get any work done today.
“Old man, it’s not replacing her if she’s not coming back.
It’s about embracing the feeling mom gave you, but with someone else.
I think that’s ok if she’s a nice person,” he shrugged and hopped out the car.
I followed suit and stopped him. Looking in his eyes, I stared into the eyes of Leslie.
The resemblance was uncanny. Touching his face, I relished in that similarity.
“Alright, smart guy,” I agreed, hugging him and giving him dap, “ for the record, I like it being just me and you. Don’t you?”
“Sometimes, but you can’t cook good pasta. We need a cook on our team.”
“I make good pasta.” I could barely boil the water for the pasta, but I made do with the little skills I had.
Malone never went to bed hungry, so it didn’t matter who made the food.
We did a lot of takeout and had a lot of dishes from my generous customers.
Malone was onto something because I missed a messy kitchen, the smell of food cooking, and a woman letting me taste off the spoon.
“Dad, no, you don’t, but that’s ok. Just think about it, no pressure from me. But I think it’s time.”
“Ok, I’ll give it some thought.” “Promise?”
“Kid, don’t you worry about me, I’m fine,” I ruffled his mane and headed into the small office that felt like a second home due
to me working so much. Stepping in, I handed the tablet to Malone to keep him busy.
He could research whatever his heart desired while I got to work.
The conversation from the car was a little profound for me, and I didn’t have the right answers.
I wasn’t running from love, I was running from loss. I was bothered.
For years, I used having a son as an excuse, but from the sounds of it, that wouldn’t work anymore.
Malone was getting older. Girls were starting to get his attention.
Sharing my time with someone who wasn’t my wife was something I hadn’t considered.
Now I had a lot to think about. Unfortunately, I had no idea where to start with untangling the web of lies I spun around myself.
I convinced myself I wasn’t ready, and that Malone would keep me occupied, and it sounded like he was ready to get rid of me.
“Ok, but I still think we need a cook. You are the handyman, and I’m the brains behind this operation, so a cook is all we are missing. It makes sense.”
“Well use that brain and do better in school. Mind over matter, son,” he was something else for wanting me to get a girlfriend for cooking purposes.
His small mind couldn’t wrap around that it took more.
Any woman that found refuge in my heart had to know how to do more than cook his favorite pasta.
She would need to understand far more than how to work a stove and mix sauce.
“I think we just made a deal, don’t you?” “And what’s that?”
“I do better in school, and you have to get a girlfriend,” he responded, holding his hand out for me to shake.
Reluctantly, I shook his hand, sealing the deal.
Hopefully, this is all it would take for him to chill for another few months because he was giving me way too much to think about. “No reneging either.
Right now, the task at hand was getting him on track with school and his behavior.
That was important because although he was way smarter than most in his grade, he had a while before school ended.
Letting him fall by the wayside wouldn’t be on Malone; it would be on me.
His becoming a troubled child meant I failed as a father.
I couldn’t lose my son to the streets or anything that would leave him stuck.
“I got you, man, we will talk more. But right now it’s a must I get some work done,” As I bent down her card fell from my pocket.
Staring at it I wondered if she could in fact help.
I was inclined to find out for Malone's sake, but was anxious about the possibilities.
Nervous about seeing her for more than a helping hand.
Nervous about Malone getting attached and things not working.
Nervous about the feeling of replacement.
Work consumed me quickly, and thoughts of Teaghan evaporated until we were headed for Fazoli’s.
My mind now wondered if she could cook, preferably cook my son's favorite dish, pasta. That would seal the deal for Malone, but it was more than that for me. As much as I tried to stop thinking of her she lingered in my mind while we ate, showered and until I put Malone to sleep. Sleep didn’t find me as I imagined her fierce, savvy, sharp slanted eyes on the top of my ceiling.
Her eyes were begging for me to grab my phone and call her to see if she made house calls.
“Not tonight, but soon,” I said into the night air as I attempted to get comfortable.