Houston #2
“Yeah, it’s my favorite, so back to these million men you got checking for you,” I continued, coming back to the topic at hand.
I was acting like Malone and fishing for information that I could use for later.
Before we went any further I needed to check her mental.
She was smart clearly because she was a doctor but was she smart with her body, heart, and soul.
“I want to be someone’s gold at the end of the rainbow, not something so cheap that you can find it anywhere. Men may check but most of the time they write checks they ass can’t cash.”
“Such as?”
“The usual. Promises of no games, but they have an unlimited subscription to games. And my favorite of all time, promises of being ready, and they clearly aren’t.
I’ve met men with enough money to buy the world, but they lack substance.
I’ve dated men with amazing jobs, but they don’t know how to find balance.
I’ve had men with homes big enough to fit the homeless but don’t want to fill it with family. Shit’s absurd.”
“And you know who you are and what you want?” I asked intertwining my hands in front of me. I watched her intently, something I could do all day if time permitted. She spoke with her shoulders square. She wasn’t blowing smoke; her words were honest.
“Houston, I’m a fixer and that shit fucks with me all the time.
Men see my nurturing nature and take advantage.
They don’t proceed with caution, they don’t think about the pain it causes a woman when they say they are ready but aren’t even close,” her eyes went dark and she pushed her hair behind her ears and looked out the window.
Pain had met her before, and I knew that look.
That struggle was rough for women. It made me glad that I had a son and not a girl.
“And then there’s the man that wants something in return. Love for love isn’t a thing anymore.”
The waiter approached, and I gave her a minute to sort her thoughts out while I ordered for us.
I didn’t mean to hit a nerve. Deep down inside I was curious as to what she needed from me.
Teaghan was successful, beautiful, confident.
I couldn’t figure out why she was entertaining a polished turd like myself.
I was a single father, busy and reserved.
Nothing about me screamed welcome or man with his shit together, but for some reason, she was still interested.
“Pain builds character. Are you making it clear what you want?” I asked once the waiter left us alone. She was still having a hard time coming back from her answer and I felt like an asshole for ruining the mood.
“Having a job is cool, having money is a plus, and having a nice car is great also but that doesn’t make a man ready.
That makes you stable, and I don’t need stable.
I’m stable by myself. I need a man who has a ready heart or at least a willing heart.
Men can check all day long, but I won’t cash in on every check that comes my way,” she answered dropping a bomb on me, “So to answer your question yes I make it clear what I want, but most importantly what I need.”
Now I was at a crossroad. Teaghan was a wonderful woman just from what I already knew which wasn’t nearly enough or all I wanted to know.
I originally asked the question just for kicks, but now I wish I had kept my mouth closed.
I possessed all the shit she explained but a ready heart.
There was no doubt that I was willing. I didn’t want to be another man that wrote a check he couldn’t cash.
And I damn sure didn’t set out to hurt people. Especially not people like Teaghan.
“That rules me out, huh?”
“I didn’t realize you were looking to be in the running, Mr. McGraw,” she squinted with a tilted head.
“I’m not a liar, so it’s time I admit that I’m checking for you a little more than I imagined. I can’t say I want a relationship, but I could use an acquaintance,” I admitted.
“To friendship,” she said holding out her hand.
I grabbed it and kissed her knuckles gently.
As I knew the beat of my heart started playing at its own tune.
Our hands stayed within each other’s long enough for me to conclude that being her friend would open me up to being a little more ready than I was available for.
Over lunch, we continued to chat and get to know more about each other.
I spoke to her about my parents. She spoke about her father being the governor and what that meant for her.
She didn’t like to speak on him much, and I didn’t pry.
My family dynamic wasn’t perfect either, so I understood her uneasiness.
My father was one of my closest friends, but my mother had her own issues that she dealt with.
I refused to be subjected to her manipulating behavior and it caused a strain on the relationship.
Loss did that to people. My sister Evelyn passed away from SIDS when she was six months.
My mother never came back from that. When I came along, it still didn’t remove the pain she felt.
That made me feel insecure and unwanted.
That’s when I learned to be alone and careful.
Her unwillingness to love me forced me to gravitate towards my father.
“I hate to hear that, me and my mom have a weird bond also. She loves me, and I love her, but it’s just weird,” she shrugged.
“Weird is better than nonexistent,” I educated. I would rather have a weird relationship with my mother than to have one that didn’t really exist. She didn’t acknowledge me half the time. I stayed away to keep from getting angry or staying angry.
“What about Malone's mom? How are you dealing with that?” she asked. I normally didn’t speak with many about Leslie, but it was so easy to talk to her I freely gave her an inside scoop to what I dealt with still after many years.
“Without her, I wouldn’t have Malone, but having Malone is a painful reminder. I keep trying to work through it, but it gets hard because life goes on but how when she once was what life was made of,” I admitted.
I loved the fuck out of Leslie and not having her around to take the edge off made it hard for me to go for my dreams. I didn’t believe in much after death came to visit.
I couldn’t eat or sleep for months wondering if I loved her hard enough before she left.
Without her, I wouldn’t be the man I was today.
It pained me that she wasn’t here to share my accomplishments.
“You have to make time to work through it. Obviously, you loved her very much, but she isn’t here.
And, Malone, needs you to work through it for him and you need to do it for you.
He needs an example of what working through it looks like.
Men get in their own heads thinking that they can’t grieve and be sensitive.
You can grieve, cry, scream and still be a man. Kids need to see all emotions.”
“We don’t bring her up much. I grieve when I’m alone. I don’t have the time for that right now. Malone is cutting up in school, that takes up my time. I run a business with five people, and by the time I’m home it’s all about getting Malone situated.”
“That could be the problem Houston, you are trying to suppress something that shouldn’t be.
You pretending that she didn’t exist is the wrong move.
Malone needs to know the wonderful things about her, it could help him a lot.
” It wasn’t an intention of mine to remove her from his life, but it made it easier for me to not have to look at her photos, listen to her music or smell her scent.
“I feel like all that you are doing is to benefit you. I could be wrong but how does Malone benefit from not knowing who his mother is?”
Her question didn’t sit well with me. I shifted backward in my seat and tossed my hands in my lap.
Everything I was doing was for Malone's benefit. If he didn’t know much about her it would be hard to miss her.
That was my take on it but after hearing her call me selfish I felt offended for the first time by her.
Offended because the more I thought about it the more it sounded right. I was the problem.
“If he doesn’t know her, he can’t miss her.”
“That’s selfish, Houston. So you can miss her, but he can’t?
” “I can’t describe the pain I felt when I found out she was gone.
I can only imagine how it will affect him if I start explaining things about his mother.
She’s not coming back so it just feels like opening a wound that doesn’t have to be open. ”
“You not explaining things about her is affecting your son right now. Whether you explain it now or fifteen years down the line someone important is missing from his life. Think of it like this. Malone’s at school, and all the kids around him are sharing things about their mother, and he can’t even fit in.
Wouldn’t that make you feel like you didn’t belong? ”
“Yeah,” I answered, allowing her psychiatric bullshit to make me feel like a terrible parent.
“So when he feels like he doesn’t fit in he may act out to counter his frustration or to finally get some attention.
Then you get the phone calls and the fucked up looks from Ms. Norwood.
At home, he isn’t going to be like that because right now he knows you two have that in common,” she preached with passion dripping from every word.
I smiled because I could see why Malone was already warming up to her.
“I never thought of it like that.”
“You have to start speaking with him, or you will regret it. Get him in sports. Something that will challenge him,” she said, further explaining things I hadn’t considered.
It was never my purpose to hide Leslie or act as if she didn’t exist. Teaghan was right, I was being selfish.
I didn’t bring her up because of how it would make me feel or how it could potentially set me back.
The only picture in the house was so ducked off so Malone would never see it.
I rarely spoke her name. I was wrong, and it was the first time I felt that way since losing her. It was time to do better.