14. Ari
FOURTEEN
ARI
By the time we stumble inside the condo, I’m laughing so hard I can’t see. Tears are streaming down my face, and my abs are sore.
“I can’t believe you did that!”
“What?” Will says incredulously, lips twitching to hold back his own laughter. He puts on a terrible Brooklyn accent and mocks the guy. “Uh, hey. Can I clean that up for ya’?”
I crack up. “And you growled at him!”
“I did not growl.”
“You absolutely did,” I bend forward, clenching my stomach, trying to catch my breath. “Like a damn junkyard dog with a bone. I thought you were going to start barking or pee on my leg or something!”
“That’s not funny,” he says, unable to hold back his laughter.
“It’s a little funny.”
Will’s eyes are wide and serious but still amused. “Did you see him get down on the ground and start licking the floor when we left?” His face twists. “Gross.”
I can’t. I’m full doubled over in laughter.
After we made a quick escape from the club, the ride home was mostly silent aside from some awkward chuckles.
But the more times we peeked over at each other and saw the other blushing, the easier it was to laugh.
Then finally Will broke the silence by asking me, with a controlled voice, “Did you want that guy to clean you up? Because I didn’t mean to, like?—”
I quickly cut him off with an obnoxious snort, and that started our downward spiral into uncontrollable giggling.
I’m still not sure how to feel about what happened between us.
I’m surprised either of us took it that far.
I never thought that he’d take me up on my challenge—I really thought he’d back out and leave me there.
But I was so completely in the moment, so turned on by him watching me, that I didn’t think before I egged him on. I couldn’t stop myself.
It was one of the hottest experiences of my life, but I have no idea where his head is at. At least no one is upset or running away. Yet .
We both kick off our shoes and toss our jackets over the back of the couch.
I follow Will into the kitchen, and he hands me a glass of water.
We drink in silence for a little while, the humor slowly bleeding away, taking all my confidence with it.
I want to pinch myself. I’ve been working too hard to allow myself to sink to this level.
I can’t let him do his normal avoidance thing, so when it’s been too quiet for too long, I decide to break the ice.
“So that was… something.” Dammit, that was supposed to come out confident and sexy, not like I’m looking for approval.
Will doesn’t look up from the glass he’s diligently studying, rubbing his thumb through the condensation.
My stomach clenches, but not from laughter. I’m bracing myself for the inevitable. Was that what you needed? Do you feel better now? Whatever the old excuses were that made me feel hollow.
But he clears his throat and says, “Was that okay? I mean… was it good for you?”
I blink at him, caught off guard. Instead of answering, I grin. “Was it good for you ?”
He glances down at his ruined pants. “Uh, yeah. It was… yeah .”
“Yeah?” That’s really all he has to say?
“I mean, obviously. Just unexpected?”
“It was different,” I say agreeably, not wanting to pressure him.
“It’s been a long time since I— since we —did anything like that.”
“I’m not sure we’ve ever done something like that.” Hell, we only ever even touched each other the one time, and he’d only done that to make me feel better after making me feel like shit.
“True,” he says with a wry smile. “I didn’t mean for that to happen, but...”
“But you were into it?” I need to hear it. In the pause while he considers his answer, I study him carefully, trying to read what’s behind his eyes, but I can’t.
Will swallows and nods. “Yes.”
Then he surprises me by giving me more than what I even asked for. He clarifies his answer with truth I would have killed for all those months ago.
“I always was,” he admits quietly. “But this time…”
“This time you didn’t have a girl in your lap.”
He nods again. “It was more intense because I couldn’t hide it. Couldn’t blame it on something else.”
I keep my breathing slow and even, not wanting to get my hopes or expectations up.
“So does this… mean anything? I mean, it might have been just the club atmosphere or whatever.”
Why am I trying to give him an out?
“I don’t know. Maybe a little of both?”
My forehead creases. He just acknowledged that something happened between us, and that there’s been more between us before that he’s hidden. Maybe not in those exact words, but I know him well enough that him not avoiding or outright denying it means there’s more here than he’s admitting.
Part of me is relieved to know that it hasn’t been just my imagination all this time. But why can’t he just come out and say it? Why do I still have to guess at what he’s thinking or feeling?
My therapist suggested I be honest about my feelings and let him meet me where I’m at, but if there’s one thing I know about Will, it’s that he plays a mean game of avoidance. I’ll have to either press him more before he shuts down completely or find a way to keep him talking.
So maybe I can try meeting him where he’s at—maybe offering some middle ground where he can test the waters. It’s risky though. It could be perfect, because it would give him a chance to come to terms with whatever he’s feeling. Or if I’m wrong, it could backfire in a very big way.
If we weren’t who we are to each other, I might almost think it could work. It’s not like Will is someone I can ever walk away from. He’s not just some guy I want to try to make things work with.
But can we really be best friends— brothers —when there’s something this strong between us?
There’s no such thing as going back, and we’ve come this far.
My voice is tentative, searching for clarification without pushing too hard. “I’m not sure what you mean by both .”
Will lets out a huff of air and pushes his hair back. “Me either, if I’m being totally honest.”
“Just tell me what you want, then. Don’t sugarcoat it or worry about my feelings. Don’t tell me what you think I need or want to hear, just tell me the truth.”
“I really don’t know, Ari. I’m so far out of my depth here.”
“If you’re worried that this makes you gay or something, there are plenty of guys that experiment and find out they’re still straight. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
Will points at his thighs, at the cum stains and what looks like a half-hard bulge behind his zipper. “Clearly, not all straight.”
“Do you want to talk about it? If that’s what you’re scared about?—”
“I’m not scared or freaked out by getting turned on by a guy, Ari. I’m scared because I’m turned on by you !”
“Oh.” Well shit, I was not expecting that.
“Yeah, Oh .”
The way he repeats my surprise back to me gives me pause.
This isn’t the kind of revelation and confession I was hoping for. He’s not relieved to get it off his chest or looking at me hopefully. He’s upset about it.
“But you don’t want to be,” I say, not bothering to make it a question.
It hurts, but I can sort of understand it. Life would definitely be easier if I weren’t all kinds of hot for my foster brother.
“It complicates things.”
“So what are we going to do about it?”
Will looks at me, almost but not quite meeting my eyes. “We aren’t going to do anything about it, Ari. We can’t. You know that, right?”
My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach.
“So, we’re just going to pretend it never happened?
Because you know that’s exactly what the problem has been all along, right?
You pretending that nothing was happening, acting like all of your possessive bullshit was all for my benefit, is exactly what made me so crazy.
It’s what hurt me enough to drive me away. ”
“I know!” Will paces along the opposite side of the island counter, hands in his hair, pulling at the roots.
He exhales slowly, his voice calmer when he continues.
“I’m trying to be honest about what’s happening here.
I don’t want to hurt you anymore. But I also don’t know that we can realistically do anything about it. ”
“We’re adults, Will. We can do whatever the fuck we want.”
“Not without consequences, we can’t. What we do… if this got out, it would cause a huge scandal. It could hurt the band—the guys. It could hurt you . Critics would tear us apart, call us immoral or disgusting.”
“If there was one thing I ever agreed with Francis about, it was that as long as we’re not hurting anyone, public opinion couldn’t actually hurt us.
And I hate to break it to you, straight boy, but people have been calling me much worse than that since before I was old enough to understand what was different about me. ”
Will winces, but it’s the truth, and he knows it. “It’s not just that,” he says, sounding tired. “I don’t want to do anything that could compromise us . Who we are to each other.”
“I think we crossed that line a long time ago,” I say gently. “We compromised anything brotherly between us the first time you didn’t push me away. The first time you told me it was okay to take what I needed from you.”
I gesture to his pants again. “This might be the first time you’ve come because of me, but it’s far from the first time for me.”
Will opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again, looking thoughtful. Worried.
It’s not as if I don’t understand the gravity or the consequences of what could happen. But we can’t forget the gravity of what’s already happened, either. And I can’t keep giving up on myself, especially now that he’s acknowledged that I’m not alone in this.
“We’re kind of at a crossroads,” I reason. “We’ve already crossed a line, but it could easily be chalked up to stress and trying to cope with how much has changed in our lives. So, we need to make a decision, and I think we have three options.”
“And what do you think those options are?”