15. Will #2
Without ever making a conscious decision to cross the room, I’m at Ari’s side in an instant.
I’m incapable of not comforting him when he looks like that—the same way he looks when he’s having a night terror.
Never mind that someone might question that I’ve been here all along. Nothing matters but him.
If he or Alonso think twice about me appearing out of nowhere, they don’t say anything or react.
The moment I drop to his side, Ari makes a choking sound and throws himself in my arms. Alonso gives me a quick bewildered look, but when a manager unlocks a back door, I don’t hesitate to lift Ari into my arms and run out of there.
Zane has a car idling, and I slide into the backseat, still holding Ari, and shut the door. In a moment of clarity, I look over to see that Alonso is being safely shuffled to his own waiting vehicle. He locks eyes with me and gives me a nod, as if to say he’s glad I’m getting Ari out of there.
Eric slides into the seat next to me and slams the door shut just before the car peels out of the alleyway and into the after-hours New York traffic.
The phone rings and Zane puts Blake on speaker.
“Is everyone safe?”
“Yes, sir,” Zane answers. “You’re on speaker and we’re on the road as we speak. Mr. Silvan and Mr. Kessler are secure.”
There’s a sigh of relief on the other end of the line, and I hear Jesse and Naz in the background, asking questions.
I block out the rest of the conversation, the details about where we’re meeting and how we’re getting there, going in one ear and out the other.
My mind spins with the magnitude of the chaos I caused.
Guilt eats me from the inside as I hold onto Ari, who seems much calmer than I’m feeling right now.
He’s got his phone out, texting the group chat that Jesse and Naz are blowing up.
My phone hasn’t stopped vibrating since shortly after the commotion started.
Ari shoots off a single text to the guys, assuring them we’re okay and will tell them all about it shortly.
“Tell Jesse his fans are fucking nuts,” I say, trying to force humor into my voice.
Ari: J, Will says to tell you your fans want his nuts.
A snort escapes me, and Ari giggles, scooting to the side and wiggling until his ass hits the seat next to me. He’s still leaning against my chest, his phone open in front of us both while he texts.
Jesse: Sounds like they almost got them.
Ari:
I squeeze Ari’s side to hug him closer to me, because even though I know he’s making light of the situation now, it was actually really scary. He might be relaxed now that we’re safe, but there was true fear in his eyes.
Then he opens a second thread. And although it’s to be expected, and I certainly deserve every bit of pain and anguish that’s about to be handed to me, it doesn’t stop my chest from constricting painfully when I see Alonso’s name on his screen.
Alonso: Let me know when you make it somewhere safe.
Alonso: I hope you’re safe. I’m so sorry that happened.
Ari: I’m okay. And it wasn’t like it was your fault.
Ari: Who could have possibly imagined?
Alonso: Your fans are quite a bit more excitable than mine.
Ari: Oh, no. That’s all Jesse. There’s something about him that makes people wild.
Alonso: He’s got nothing on you.
Ari: You just have to say that because you think I’m traumatized. I’m fine, really. I was just in shock for a minute there.
Alonso: I’m fucking traumatized. That was terrifying.
Alonso: Thank goodness Will was there.
Ari looks up at me with a soft smile, as if echoing Alonso’s sentiments.
It’s obvious that I’m reading over his shoulder, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
I swallow down a painful lump in my throat, and try to open my mouth to say something—to confess, to explain myself— something . Anything. But no words come out.
It’s after three o’clock in the morning before we’re able to debrief and our luggage is delivered from the other hotel.
Naz, Ari, and I start toward the bedrooms. For whatever reason, Jesse decided he wants to stay in his own room, so he’s in the penthouse on the other wing of the hotel.
I’m too tired to even entertain the idea that he might know something.
Naz pats me on the shoulder, then pulls Ari into a side hug. “I’m glad y’all are alright,” he says. “That shit was scary—realizing you were both down there and not knowing what was happening.”
“Everyone’s okay,” Ari says, then winces. “Well, not everyone.”
“They will be, and we’ll go see them tomorrow, even if Blake wants to be a hard-ass about it.”
People got fucking hurt. A bellhop was trampled, and one of Alonso’s security guards who was at the door got hurt as well. They believe it’s all superficial injuries, but they’re having them stay the night in the hospital for observation.
Naz heads a little farther down the hall to his room. Eric and Zane, of course, put Ari’s room next to mine, like we’ve always done.
Trying to keep my shit together, I kiss the top of Ari’s head and bid him goodnight. I forgo a shower, opting to splash water on my face after brushing my teeth, and slide into bed in just my boxers.
I’ve been staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour when I hear a soft knock and the door clicking open. I never lock my door, ever, for exactly this reason.
“Will?” Ari whispers.
“Yeah, baby. I’m here.”
Ari lets out a shaky breath and crawls up the bed. He collapses into me the second he locates me in the dark, and I can’t catch my breath.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I know I shouldn’t but?—”
“Don’t say that. You know I’m always here for you, whatever you need.”
“Just tonight,” he whispers.
“I’ve got you.”
His arms wrap around my waist and nuzzles his face into my chest. “Say it again?”
Relief hits me so hard I almost choke on the words.
And then the guilt follows, thicker than ever. Suffocating.
I did this. I caused this.
I got people hurt.
And still— still —some broken, awful part of me is grateful for the weight of him, for the way his body melts into mine without a thought.
After all these months, he still fits perfectly.
I press my nose into his hair and close my eyes. I breathe a deep sigh and hug my arms around him, like I might be able to keep him there forever.
I don’t deserve this.
I don’t deserve him.
And I don’t know how much longer I can pretend that loving him hasn’t turned me into something toxic.
Bright light filters in around the edges of the curtains. It’s pleasantly warm in the large bed, with Ari snuggled up against me, and I hug him tighter against my body before my eyes shoot open.
We’re lying on our sides facing each other, his face against my throat, head resting on my shoulder.
He’s got one arm thrown around my middle, and I’m holding him around the waist. Our legs are tangled together, one of my thighs pressed between his, his top leg hiked up over my hip.
The sheets are tangled around us, much in part to Ari’s typical restless movements throughout the night.
It’s not an uncommon position for us to wake up in.
Nor is Ari’s state of undress, given his habit of stripping down to his underwear in his sleep.
The oversized t-shirt he was wearing when he crawled into bed with me is nowhere to be found, so he’s in nothing but a pair of baby blue low-rise briefs.
My awareness of him is a pulsing heat in my veins, one I can’t deny even though I know there’s nothing okay about this.
Not just because it’s him, not just because I already had my chance to pursue something between us and didn’t take it. Not even because the back and forth isn’t fair to him. But because of what I did to earn having him in my arms again.
Maybe if we’d gotten here through chance. If it hadn’t been me who caused the circumstances that led us here. Maybe then I could press into him the way he’s pressing into me, reciprocate the arch of his body and the sleepy way he nuzzles into me. His open mouth presses to my collar and I groan.
I want nothing more than to roll myself on top of him, to burrow my face in his neck and breathe him in, to taste his skin while I press his body into the mattress with mine.
To meet the movement of his body, to writhe against him, to wake him up with the kind of pleasure I want so badly to give him and take in return.
The heavy feeling in my gut won’t allow it. I’m a shit person who has done shit things in the name of keeping Ari to myself, but even my twisted mind can’t rationalize taking advantage right now. Not like this. Not when he has no idea what I did to get him here.
Gently extricating myself from the tangle of sheets and limbs, I sneak off for a cold shower and harsh conversation with my dick about boundaries.