16. Ari #2
My outfit is a tight-fitting soft leather vest, cropped just below my ribs, and baggy low-slung pants with a wide, studded belt and matching choker.
My makeup look is a little more intricate than the other guys because I love wearing makeup.
I always have, especially because Will always encouraged it.
When we were younger, he acted like it was brave to wear something as simple as tinted lip balm. Then, as we got older and our rockstar lifestyle encouraged more freedom of expression, he’d say things like your eyes look insane like that , and it’s distracting how good you look .
He said something similar that night at the club, that I looked distracting .
Is there any wonder why I’ve always been confused when it comes to Will Kessler?
Even Emmy notices the way he’s looking at me. He shoots me a look that’s equally perplexed and amused. “What’s up with him?” he mouths.
I just shrug and do my best impression of being annoyed by the way he’s standing so close, like he’s watching over me.
“Is he going to be able to wear underwear with those?” Will says gruffly, eyeing how low the pants sit on my hips. Every inch of exposed skin burns with the knowledge that he’s looking, even though I’m certain his gaze is more critical than appreciative.
Emmy snorts. “Wait until you see what Jesse’s wearing.”
“Overprotective much?” I grumble, shooing him away so Myra can have more space to put a few pins on the waistband of my pants. “If I wanted a daddy, I’d ask Blake his opinion.”
“Don’t bring me into this!” Blake calls from the other side of the room. Then he follows it up with a very fatherly, “Will, leave your brother alone.”
That gets giggles from most everyone in the room except either of us. Will huffs and walks back towards the bedrooms, probably to get dressed in his own clothes now that he’s done being fitted.
“You lost weight again,” Myra whispers, probably so my guard dog doesn’t overhear and start making it a thing.
“I’m not trying to,” I promise her. “This tour has just been…”
“A lot?” she supplies.
“Different. It’s been different.”
I don’t want to admit to her or anyone else that I have a hard time remembering to feed myself. It’s just one more thing I got too accustomed to relying on Will for. I need to remember to set some alarms on my phone so I can get that under control before it becomes a problem.
“It’ll just take a few stitches, and you won’t be in danger of giving Will a coronary if you accidentally moon someone,” Myra jokes as I step out of the pants.
I give her a lopsided, grateful grin. “Sorry.”
Myra stops straightening the pants over their hanger and turns to me. She’s almost as tall as I am at five-foot-nine, so she can look me directly in the eye when she cups my cheek lovingly and gives me a soft look. “It’s no trouble. I just want to know you’re taking care of yourself.”
“I am. I promise.”
“I love you boys. I hope you know you can call or come to me anytime, if you ever want to talk or drink mimosas.” She winks.
Laughing, I pull Myra into a last quick hug when Blake loses patience and starts clapping loudly, ordering the whole operation to pack it up so they can move to the other wing of the hotel to go be Jesse’s problem.
“Text me if anything’s wrong with Jesse, or if we need to come save him?”
Emmy pops up just behind me. “We’ll make sure he’s okay,” he promises me, and hands me something wrapped in wax paper.
“What is this?” I ask, unwrapping a bagel sandwich with bacon, tomato, and avocado.
“I thought I’d make you a snack before we headed out.”
My smile wobbles a little. I’ve always liked Emmy, but after today, I think we could be really good friends. I should invite him over for a movie night or mimosas with Myra. But for now, I just pull him into a side hug.
“Thank you.”
The room empties quickly with Blake barking orders at everyone. Emmy pulls the door closed behind them, rolling his eyes and giving me a quick wink.
For a few minutes, it’s just me in the empty suite. I perch on a kitchen stool and take a few bites of the sandwich Emmy made me.
“It got quiet in here fast,” Will says, startling me.
“Yeah, it did. I almost feel bad for Jesse.”
“Eh, he kind of has it coming.”
I huff a laugh. “I considered going with them to watch the show, but I thought we should?—"
Just then, Naz waltzes casually into the room and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. He gulps it down, eyes bouncing between me and Will. Realizing how awkward the silence is, I scramble to fill it with something stupid.
“The eyeliner works for you,” I say randomly. “Emmy thought so, too,” I say, just in case I was laying it on too thick.
“Uh, thanks.” Will answers.
“Yeah man,” Naz says, crushing the bottle in his fist before tossing it into the recycling. “It’s hot. And chicks dig dudes in eyeliner.” He fist bumps Will.
“What would you know about what chicks like?” I ask teasingly.
Naz just grins and puts on a pair of sunglasses. “I’m gonna go for a walk before I join in on harassing Jesse. See you over there later?”
We both nod and watch as Naz leaves. Zane and Scott, the new bodyguard, are hanging out in the lobby outside the door. Naz’s spine straightens when he sees them, huffing as the door thuds closed behind him.
Then it’s just me and Will again. The space between us feels charged and… wrong. I really hate this tip-toeing around each other that we’ve been doing, and I’m kicking myself for making things worse.
“What’s his deal with the new bodyguard?” Will asks.
“No clue.”
The silence is almost too much, but now that I’m faced with the opportunity to say something, I’m at a loss for words. I set the sandwich Emmy made me down and turn to face Will directly. We end up speaking at the same time.
“We should talk about?—”
“I’m sorry about the other day.”
There’s a couple of seconds of us both opening and closing our mouths, unsure if we should say something or let the other go first.
“I’m sorry, you go?—”
“No, you go first?—”
“Really, it’s okay. Go ahead.”
I swallow. “I did want to talk about the other day. But you don’t have anything to apologize for. I shouldn’t have—” I will the heat creeping up my neck to not be too obvious.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Will says softly.
“I made you uncomfortable. Again. And I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”
“What do you mean?”
“In your bed, I mean. I’ve worked really hard not to rely on anyone at night like that and?—”
Will is quick to throw in, “Ari I don’t mind, really. I never have.”
“I know you don’t. That’s not the point, though.”
The point is I’ve worked hard not to need him, and the other night felt like regression.
The point is that I shouldn’t rely on other people for comfort or validation.
Because the worst part of the other night is that I’m not even sure I did truly need him.
Nightmares weren’t keeping me awake. Yes, I was shaken up by what had happened, but mostly I’d enjoyed how close he’d kept me all night and I just wanted to be with him.
Not for any other reason than it felt good.
The point is that it’s not okay for me to use him like that.
“We both know from experience that I have no boundaries when I’m asleep. It’s a huge reason why the sleeping arrangement is an issue in the first place. The last thing I ever want to do is make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not uncomfortable.”
“You literally jumped out of bed and ran away. And you’ve barely spoken a word to me since.
“That’s because—Uh. I—” Will chokes on whatever words he’s trying to get out.
“Will, it’s okay.”
“What? What’s okay?”
“It’s okay for things to not be like that between us. I’d never try to push that on you, no matter what’s happened in the past.”
“I know you wouldn’t. That’s not what I’m trying to say.”
“Then what is it?”
“I like being needed,” Will says quietly. “By you.”
Take what you need from me. The memory of those words alone is enough to give me strength. I know I’ll only hurt myself more if I fall back into old patterns, or even let myself daydream things could be different. They aren’t different. He made his choice and I will respect that.
“I will always need you in my life, Will. You’re my best friend. My family,” I say, purposefully leaving out the word brother . Then I take a deep inhale through my nose and say the hard part. “But I don’t want to have to need someone—even you. Not like that.”
I’m not sure if I manage to keep the sadness out of the breathy laugh that escapes me.
“You can pretend all you like that waking up to someone humping your leg isn’t problematic, but it’s actually pretty humiliating.”
“It—”
“—it doesn’t mean anything to you, I get that. But it twists me up inside, and if we’re making a point not to cross certain lines, I can’t let them blur for any reason. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
As much as it hurts, I know this is the right thing to do.
I cannot remain codependent as I am on Will, and he can’t continue to treat me like a pet or a possession.
We both need to learn to have healthy boundaries, otherwise what will happen some day when either of us actually want to date for real?
What if Will wants to get married some day?
I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to entirely set aside my feelings for Will, but I want to be the kind of person who can wish him the best and be happy for him if he found what he’s looking for.
I absolutely don’t want to be the person standing next to him at the altar, drowning in misery because I wish it were me instead.
All I can do is focus on the future. On growing and strengthening my resolve not to obsess over someone who either can’t or won’t love me the same way.
We’ve got our favorite charity show coming up. Jesse talked us into dressing up in Rocky Horror Picture Show costumes, which I’m looking forward to even if Will isn’t. It’s been fun to rag on him about not looking hot for once.
And I’ll be catching up with Alonso again in New Orleans.
He might even come to the show. Over the last few days since I met him, we’ve enjoyed getting to know each other, aside from what happened at the hotel, of course.
But we’ve texted since then, and I ran into him when we went to visit Lance, the security guard who was hurt.
Thankfully, both guys that were injured walked away with superficial injuries.
When I’m spending time with Alonso or just texting, I have to purposefully put myself in the moment to allow myself to enjoy spending time with him.
It’s too easy to compare him to Will or categorize the differences in the feelings I have for them.
Alonso is a sweetheart. He’s kind and genuine and funny.
He’s charming as all get out, and no one can deny he’s hot as hell—he was voted this year’s sexiest man alive for a reason.
There is definitely attraction there, even if it isn’t the burning, all-encompassing need I have for Will.
If it weren’t for a lifetime’s worth of pent-up love and devotion to my foster brother, I could easily see a possibility of more there.
If I’m ever going to have a chance, I need to focus on that possibility. I need to focus on pushing myself outside my Will-shaped comfort zone.
And really, how bad could it be letting the sexiest man alive fuck me?