27. Will
TWENTY-SEVEN
WILL
We’re back in New York and in the studio, doing my favorite thing—improvising.
It starts from nothing. Jesse is easily distracted today, his eyes constantly flicking up to the glass, to where Luc is sitting with Blake and the studio engineer.
We’ve just finished recording one of the songs we’ve been working on during the tour, and the room is mostly quiet except for some shuffling around.
Jesse bends over his notebook and jots something down, humming a little tune that crawls into my brain like the steam from a cartoon pie.
“What’s that?” Naz asks.
Jesse sings a short line, nothing solid, but I feel that excited tingle in the back of my brain.
My fingers immediately start moving across the strings of my guitar.
The rest builds from there, Ari joining in, followed by Naz, until we have a good tune and rhythm going.
Jesse and Ari go back and forth with lyrics, Ari rushing excitedly to round out the chorus. It all just falls together.
Everyone is too deep into the process to notice the way Ari looks directly at me when he sings, “You make me feel alive,” but I can’t look away. The words and their meaning awaken every nerve in my body, making me tingle all over as though he’s touched me with more than just his eyes and his words.
The song is fire, and we can all feel it.
There’s an energy that feels right, an awareness that we have something good here.
It’s a bit like when we first worked on the song Jesse wrote that shot us into superstardom, Remember My Name .
That day in the studio, it felt big. There was something about it, something behind it, that made it special.
Turns out, those lyrics were written with one person in mind, and what made the song special was the connection between Jesse and Luc. Jesse had fallen in love at first sight or some shit.
Bending forward to share Ari’s microphone, filling out the backing harmonies for this new song, it occurs to me that this is both different and the same. I’ve always loved him, but it’s different now.
I think maybe this song marks the moment I realize that I’m in love with Ari Silvan.
I’ve always loved him, and obviously things have been a bit intense lately.
We’ve been getting into entirely new territory with our relationship.
But I think this moment, the words he’s writing and singing while looking me so deeply in the eyes, have sparked a new realization.
Keep watching me like you do,
You make me feel alive.
It’s something more than ever before,
I can see it in your eyes.
By the time we’re done laying down all the layers of the track, we’re all buzzing.
Jesse has been eyeing Luc like a starving man at a buffet, and I’m worried that Ari and I might be giving off too-obvious vibes ourselves.
I’ve resorted to tying my flannel around my waist to hide just how much this is affecting me.
I’m so ready to get out of here. I want nothing more than to get back to the hotel suite and feign exhaustion so we can spend the rest of the night in bed together.
But on the way out of the studio, things get dicey.
We’re surrounded by a mob of press unlike anything we’ve ever seen before.
We almost always have some cameras following us, and if they get wind of us recording, there’s almost a guarantee they’ll be waiting outside the door to ask about hints for our new album.
It’s always the same kind of questions about the vibe of the new album, or whether we feel like we’ve got any bangers coming up, or if we’ll be collaborating with any other artists.
We usually take a few minutes to answer what we can and maybe tease about what we have coming up, and the interactions are almost always pleasant.
But this is different. None of these reporters and paparazzi are familiar, and they’re aggressive.
We’re jostled and pushed as they clamber to get close to us—to Jesse in particular.
They’re getting in our faces and yelling personal questions rather than anything about our time in the studio.
We’re boxed in and forced to push through the crowd.
I keep one hand on Naz’s shoulder and another firmly pulling Ari into my side.
It takes our entire security team to surround us and forge a path through the chaos.
Even once we’re finally in the car, they don’t stop.
The crowd surrounds the car, beating on the roof and windows, shouting our names and other things I can’t make out.
Despite knowing they can’t see through the tinted windows, I let go of Ari’s hand.
He looks back at me with scared blue eyes.
“I didn’t?—”
“Shh, I know,” he whispers back, gesturing for me to shut up. He doesn’t think it’s in our best interest to come clean about me tipping off paparazzi back in Dallas, but at least he doesn’t think that I had anything to do with this mess.
Cory jerks the SUV forward and lays on the horn to try to force the horde to make room for the vehicle to move.
I vaguely make out the sound of a police vehicle and a voice over an intercom, warning the crowd to stand back, helping Eric, Zane, and Scott clear enough space for us to pull out into the busy New York traffic.
It’s almost as scary as the hotel mob I caused, but then my heart catches in my throat when I notice Jesse shuffling nervously.
“Where is he, Cory?” Jesse barks, and it’s only now that I realize Luc isn’t in the car with us. He left before us with Cory to get the car, but he’s not here. Did Cory send him back a different way to avoid attention? When did he have time for that?
Jesse looks like he’s about to lose his shit, edging on a full-out panic attack.
His breaths are too short and too fast, and he looks pale and sweaty.
He gags as Naz places a hand on his chest and one on his back.
I’m about to wrap him in a bear hug when he snaps at Cory again.
Finally, Cory calls out that it’s clear, and a figure pops up out of nowhere behind us.
“I’m here, baby, I’m here,” Luc says in a low, soothing tone.
I get a full presentation of just how firm the big football player’s muscles are as he basically crawls over all of us to wedge himself on the other size of Naz, pulling Jesse into his arms. His rock-hard ass actually hits me in the cheek as he passes.
Ari moves to the back seat, and I consider joining him to make more room for Luc’s larger frame, but I’m still worried about being too obvious, even in a situation like this.
Jesse is still struggling to come down from his panic when Blake calls, and Cory puts him on speaker.
True to form, he makes sure we’re all okay before he gets down to business.
He thinks the safest bet is for Luc to head home immediately and be seen in public far away from where we are.
There’s already been too much speculation about whether they know each other or could be friends, and the press is getting rabid, especially the conservative press that would love nothing more than to tear down an American football hero and say it’s Jesse’s fault for turning him gay or defiling him or something stupid like that.
I feel terrible for Luc, who seems like a genuinely good guy.
He’s terrified of becoming a headline, which is the only reason he hasn’t come out publicly.
I worry that today is going to freak him out, and that it will hurt Jesse enough to cause him to make bad decisions, or worse.
I don’t disagree with Blake, but something is nagging at me.
I wasn’t the only one to notice that aggressive crowd of paparazzi was far from the usual people.
None of them were familiar, and nothing about that interaction felt normal.
It felt like they were purposefully trying to provoke us, which I voiced during the conversation with Blake, but what I can’t figure out is why.
I know that we pissed off some people with our charity protest concert, and how vocal we’ve been since then.
Hell, even my comment to the press after the concert in Seattle made headlines, especially because of the reactions it got from not just the talk radio haters, but politicians and even the president.
They were big mad, which I’ve admittedly gotten a lot of joy from, but are a couple of comments from celebrities really enough for them to retaliate by invading our personal lives?
What exactly does hiring a bunch of agitators accomplish that could ultimately discredit us?
Surely they don’t think that exposing Jesse’s relationship could hurt us that much.
There are too many questions swirling around my head, and not enough answers. But I have a feeling this is just the beginning.
Back at our New York hotel, the staff are ready for us.
Blake must have called ahead, because there is already a barricade set up with extra security.
Sure enough, there are a ton of media, news cameras, microphones, bulbs flashing, and voices shouting the moment we step out of the car.
Cory lets us out at the front entrance so we can divert attention while he drives Luc around back.
We walk past the crowd while they yell personal questions about our sex lives.
We ignore them and smile and wave, putting on a brave face like today is just another day and this is normal.
Even when one reporter dares ask if we’re all sleeping together, one yells for a response to the hot take that we are purposefully delivering America’s youth to the devil, and another asks if we’d like to respond to the accusations that we’re groomers.
Yes, I’d really fucking like to respond to all of that, but I won’t.
The last thing we need is to stir up any more trouble.
That, and Blake gave Luc twenty minutes to pack his things before he’s picked up and taken to the flight he chartered, wanting to make sure Luc is seen in his hometown as soon as humanly possible.
In the penthouse, Jesse makes a beeline for his room to see if Luc has made it up yet.
Ari, Naz, and I sit in the living room, trying to stay out of the way and quiet so they can have some privacy.
Twenty minutes is barely enough time to pack, and I know they need so much more time than that to process what just happened.
Cory and Luc walk in less than a minute after we do.
When he sees us, Luc nods before starting towards Jesse’s room.
Almost exactly eighteen minutes later, on the dot, Blake arrives to collect Luc.
It’s clear he doesn’t want to be the one to be the bad guy, but he also knows what needs to be done to calm the press around Luc.
Naz, Ari, and I share a look and stand up as one. “Let us,” I tell Blake, and he nods understandingly.
Naz gently knocks on Jesse’s door, and we hear his muffled, cracked voice say, “Just one more minute.”
Shortly after, Luc opens the door and steps out.
His eyes are red and despite being such a big guy, he looks shrunken in on himself.
I pat the big guy on the shoulder as he passes, and Naz gives him a one-armed hug.
Naz steps into the room to check on Jesse, but I stay back, watching Ari talk to Luc.
“Today was scary,” he says, his voice small and sad. “But… Please don’t give up on him. I know it’s a lot to ask. But he’s different with you, and I… I can’t bear to see him lose that light you’ve given him.”
My heart cracks a little, because he’s so right. Jesse would crumble if the very thing that gave him power and strength— music and fame—also took away the thing he cares about most. After all, it was his love for Luc that gave him the music that launched us to this level.
“I’m not giving up on him,” Luc says. “I love him.”
Ari reaches up and gives Luc a hug, and I love that he wants to give him even the smallest bit of comfort. Luc is so much bigger than Ari that he has trouble getting his arms around his shoulders. “Jeeze, you’re massive,” he mutters, and Luc gives a watery laugh.
“Ari—“ A stern voice comes from behind me. I turn to see Jesse, red, wet face and all, with his arms crossed in the doorway.
“Don’t worry, Jess. He’s hunky and all, but I don’t want your man. I’ve got my eye on someone else.”
If Jesse hears him or processes what he says, he doesn’t respond, only steps up to Luc and threads his fingers through his. Meanwhile, I’m having trouble keeping my mouth closed. My heart is beating overtime, and I can’t take my eyes off Ari, who watches the pair walk down the hallway hand in hand.
“Got your eye on someone else, do you?”
Ari’s lips twitch. He shrugs. “Yeah, sort of. Why, you jealous? Should I have flirted with Mr. Colgate more?”
Naz reminds us of his presence by stepping out of Jesse’s room.
“You think he’s going to be okay?” I ask Naz, sobering again.
“I don’t know man. But I’ve got a bad feeling.”
“Me too,” I say. “Me too.”