Seventeen
I want to know
What’s going on in your head
I want to comb through your mind
See what I can find
A catacomb of memories
To make mine instead
‘Catacomb’ from The In-Between
Today’s Take: Forgive and Forget?
Call me Ms Chances, because I’m forever giving them out.
A friend recently betrayed me, but is it bad to not want to deal with the drama?
The easy route would be to cause a scene, blow up in their face.
The high road is the uphill one, and I’m willing to climb it to save a friendship.
Yes, it was something important to me, but our friendship is bigger than that, and I can be the bigger person.
PS. Thank you for responses to Hometown Glory!
We’ve set up SecretSender@ if you want to write in directly.
For those who agreed with me, I loved reading your favourite parts of Croydon.
I forgot about the ice rinks and small parks and charity shops!
And for anyone who wrote in saying it was a ****hole . . . well, you’re wrong.
‘You’re really getting into being the Secret Sender,’ says Kira under her breath as she sits down next to me with her lunch and her copy of the latest The Common Room.
I shrug. ‘It was your idea. And turns out I like expressing myself.’
‘Do you think you might be expressing yourself a bit too much?’ says Faye, looking at my article. ‘“If you disagree with me, you’re wrong” doesn’t sound a lot like you.’
I shake my head. ‘You should have seen some of the emails Tori forwarded to me. Kathleen Turner bloody hates this place, which is a bit rude, because she’s so rich and lives in the nicest neighbourhood!’
‘It’s interesting gossip, for sure,’ says Kira. ‘But do you think doing this anonymously is making you write things you wouldn’t normally?’
‘But isn’t that the point?’ I say. ‘It’s freeing to be able to write what I think, and to have everyone read it. People are talking about my words.’
‘But no one knows it’s your words,’ says Kira.
‘I don’t need the fame,’ I say. Kira doesn’t get it, she loves credit. She loves being in the spotlight. I’m perfectly happy to be in the shadows. I don’t need the attention.
Kira shakes her head.
‘What else is going on?’ says Faye.
‘I’m stressed about sending in my UCAS,’ says Kira.
My fight or flight is suddenly on. I can’t help it, every time someone mentions those four letters I want to run for the hills.
‘You’ve still got nearly three weeks,’ says Faye. ‘I know you want to send it earlier than the deadline. But it’s not the end of the world if you don’t.’
‘I think I’m nervous about actually sending it off. And then that’s it. There’s nothing more I can do.’
‘But you’ve done everything you can do,’ says Faye, patting Kira’s hand.
‘Yeah, you’ll be fine,’ I say. ‘You’re the most prepared person I know.’
‘How are your applications going?’ says Kira.
Faye hesitates. ‘I actually have something to tell you guys. I don’t think I’m going to university.’
‘What?’ says Kira. I’m shocked, I know Faye’s been on the fence like me, but I thought she was also being indecisive about what to study, not she didn’t want to go.
‘I thought about it, and I want to continue to learn to dressmake and help run my parents’ shop.
I’ve found an apprenticeship I can do with this seamstress in Chelsea, and maybe I’ll go and study, but first I’m going to build up my portfolio.
’ She tugs at the jumper she’s wearing. A distressed-hem forest-green sweatshirt.
It looks pretty cool. ‘Look, I made this.’
‘That’s amazing, Faye,’ says Kira, hugging her.
‘I’m really happy you’ve worked out what you want,’ I say, and I mean it. Out of all of us, Faye has never really cared too much about academia. And I never got the impression she really wanted to study any more.
‘How about you, Selena?’ says Kira.
‘Oh I don’t know yet,’ I say.
‘Are you still sure you want to go to university?’ asks Faye.
It’s a good question, after Faye’s revelation. But I know the answer.
‘Yes, I do,’ I say. ‘I like learning stuff, I want the experience.’ That much is true. When I think of what’s ahead, it feels right that it’s uni. I just can’t put together any more of the details of what I want.
‘Then why aren’t you getting your shit together, girl?’ says Kira.
‘I have until January,’ I say, crossing my arms.
‘Have you decided what course you want to do?’ asks Kira.
‘No, but—’ I say.
‘Time is running out!’ says Kira.
‘Why are you so invested? It’s my life,’ I say.
‘Because you’re my friend and I want to help you,’ says Kira.
‘But it’s not helpful that you’re always nagging me,’ I say. ‘As you say, you’re my friend, not my mum.’
‘I wish that my mum would push me like this,’ says Kira aggressively.
‘Instead she keeps telling me to be realistic and get my degree and find a good job. She doesn’t believe I can do it, because no one else can.
’ Sometimes I think Kira’s mum has a point.
‘But how am I meant to achieve anything if I set my expectations low? I’ll end up being like everyone else. ’
‘Is that so bad?’ I say. ‘To be ordinary?’
Kira looks me dead in the eye. ‘It’s the worst thing I can imagine.’
‘But that’s you,’ I say, standing up. ‘Maybe some of us are okay wanting the ordinary.’
‘But Selena, how can you know you want the ordinary, when you don’t know what you want at all?’ Kira touches my arm sympathetically.
I pull my arm away. ‘Then give me the time to work it out.’ I understand Kira is trying to help, but why can’t she see not everyone is like her? That we’re different and that’s okay?