Thirty-Two
I’ve been waiting and watching
My clock’s been a-ticking
I’m feeling this itching
Right in my soul
‘Let’s Get Going’ from The In-Between
Today’s Take: Let’s get real on Rose Conrad fans
Real Rose Conrad fans have been around since The Brink of Teenage Freedom, not since Dreamers.
They know her lucky number is 8 and that even though she lives in LA, she calls Memphis home.
Real Rose Conrad fans have sat down and gone through the song lyrics, looking for links between albums, notes she’s laid down for us.
We know her through the trail of breadcrumbs she’s left for us, hints and stories unlocked through details.Real Rose Conrad fans are going to The In-Between Tour not because it’s a cool thing to do or because it’s a world tour, but because it means the world to them. Let’s hear it for the real fans.
Over a week after I send my application to the Croydon Post, I get a reply. I’ve been accepted.
I stare at my screen in disbelief, rereading the words over and over again. Then it hits me. I’ve got in.
I got in!
Pure, brilliant triumph surges through me.
‘Holy shit,’ I say to Faye and Kira. We’re in the common room during the one free period we all have at the same time. ‘Look at this,’ I say, throwing my phone at them.
‘Go, Selena!’ says Kira, punching the air. ‘I knew you could do it, girl.’
‘I can’t believe it,’ I say.
‘I can,’ says Faye. ‘You’re so good at writing. Why wouldn’t they take you?’
‘Because I barely have any experience and wrote about how the Selena Says texts morphed into the Secret Sender! I thought they would have wanted something more.’
‘You must have written about it well,’ says Kira. ‘And I’m also proud you put your name to the Secret Sender.’
A slight gnawing sensation appears in my stomach. Somewhere, someone, or even more than one person, knows I’m the Secret Sender. And I don’t know who they are. What if they reveal it to everyone? Have I made the right choice?
I push it aside and focus on the good things. ‘I can’t believe they liked my work,’ I say, excitedly. ‘Someone read what I did and thought it was good.’
Faye grabs my shoulder. ‘That’s because you are good at this. You have to believe it.’
‘You know, for the first time, I do.’ I feel a bit uncertain. ‘Although I’m not sure about telling them I write for The Common Room. What if it gets back to school somehow?’
‘What’s that about The Common Room?’ says Tori, suddenly appearing. I swear, if anyone talks about something remotely related to her, she appears, like a vampire feeding off her own ego instead of blood.
‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘Just saying how we’re excited to read this week’s issue.’
‘Of course. There’s a great article on the new uniform rules they’re putting in. They’re trying to standardise our skirts, you know. Next it’ll be our socks!’
‘You’re doing the Croydon Post work experience, right?’ says Kira, leaning forwards.
I shoot her a glare, mentally trying to communicate with her not to tell Tori.
‘Yes! Finally got confirmation of my placement today, but I knew it was going to be a sure thing. I’ve been emailing the guy in charge of placements for the whole summer, sending him updates on my writing.’ She actually tosses her hair over her shoulder. Unbelievable.
Kira nudges me, but I don’t say anything, I don’t want to tell Tori. Not yet.
‘Good for you, Tori. Now if I could only bug someone into getting me Rose Conrad tickets,’ I say, moving the conversation on.
Tori nods. ‘Speaking of which, did you see the latest Secret Sender post, on Rose Conrad?’
‘I think everyone’s read every Secret Sender post,’ says Faye.
Tori scowls. ‘That’s because people have short attention spans.
She’s certainly got a knack for grabbing people’s attention.
Between us, initially I thought the feature was a great idea, because loads of people were reading copies of The Common Room – but it turns out they’re only reading the Secret Sender! ’
‘Maybe because people want to read about Rose Conrad and not about the latest cafeteria update or uniform rules,’ says Kira, rolling her eyes.
‘But her latest opinion on Rose Conrad was so aggressive,’ says Tori. ‘She’s definitely got a holier-than-thou attitude.’
‘What do you think, Selena?’ says Kira.
I shrug. ‘I agree with her.’
‘Well, you’re a huge Rose Conrad fan. Look at that pin,’ says Tori, rolling her eyes. ‘You’re not going to be on the side of public opinion on this one. Trust me, how people feel about her is starting to change.’
‘Any idea who it is yet?’ I ask, feeling beads of sweat on my forehead again. Tori and I are doing the work experience together. With the newspaper staff who will know I’m the Secret Sender.
‘Not a clue,’ says Tori. ‘But everything comes out in the end.’
***
I tell Ms Harkness the Croydon Post news before I leave school. After all, I have her to thank for pushing me, but I have also asked her not to tell Tori. She’ll find out eventually.
‘Secrets always cost you, Selena,’ she says. ‘But I’m glad you got into the programme. You’re talented.’
There is one person I am definitely not keeping this a secret from. I have to tell Ty as soon as I get home. I run to his door and knock on it.
A man opens it.
Paul. Ty’s dad. Even though he lives here, I am surprised to see him, for some reason. He’s dressed in jeans and an expensive-looking jumper. Normally whenever I’ve seen him, he’s going to and from work in a suit.
‘Hello,’ he says. I can see a bit of Ty in him, the angle of his eyes, his high cheekbones. I would bet in his youth Paul Brown was a handsome guy.
‘Hi,’ I say. ‘Is Ty home?’
‘Ty!’ he calls out behind him. He turns back to me. ‘You’re our neighbour. Nice to meet you,’ he says.
‘Yes, I’m Selena,’ I say, realising I should introduce myself. ‘Nice to meet you too.’
‘Paul,’ he says. ‘I’m Ty’s dad. My boys have been telling me all about you, the girl-next-door. They’ve become quite besotted with you.’
‘That’s enough, Dad,’ says Ty, appearing. ‘Hey,’ he says to me.
‘Come on in,’ says Paul, opening up the door. ‘It’s freezing outside.’
He leaves us in the corridor and heads upstairs.
‘I’ll be quick,’ I say. ‘I didn’t know your dad was home.’
‘He’s working from home today. But you know you can be here when he’s here,’ says Ty, rolling his eyes. ‘Come in properly.’
I look along the hallway, and suddenly it hits me. All I can think about is Ollie. There are new photos on the wall, but the familiar corridor looks strange, and seeing Ty standing here . . . Well, it feels very disorientating.
‘I need to get home for dinner,’ I say quickly. ‘I wanted to tell you I got into the newspaper internship.’
‘Seriously?’ says Ty. ‘Selena, that’s amazing!’ He hugs me and I’m crushed into his chest. I wrap my arms around him, inhale. How does he smell this good?
‘I wanted to thank you,’ I say, still holding on to him. ‘For believing in me and telling me I should do it.’ My voice cracks a bit. ‘It means a lot.’
‘Selena, a lot of people believe in you.’
I think about it: Kira, Mum, Faye, Ms Harkness. And now Ty.
‘You’re right,’ I say, ‘they do. But you gave me a final push. When I needed it.’
I look up the stairs, the ones Ollie and I played on as kids. We’d skid down them on our bums. Once I got carpet burn on the back of my thighs.
‘I should go,’ I say. ‘But thanks again.’
I turn around and head home. As I do, I think about the list I made, and how Ollie wasn’t on it.
I haven’t even told him about the work experience, because I haven’t told him about the Secret Sender.
The whole thing feels too long and confusing to explain to him. But it’s more than that too, I think.
As I walk into my front door and take out my phone, I think about how Ollie would be pleased for me, but as I take a look at our text history, I can’t deny it, we’ve been talking even less since my trip to Manchester.
What will happen when he comes to my party? Will we reconnect again? Will this be a love story for the ages? Will I finally experience the type of love Rose Conrad has been singing about?
Or is our childhood friendship a thing of the past? Will we keep growing further apart as we follow our own paths?
I look at the last message he sent me. It’s about his weekend in Manchester. He filled me in on what he had eaten, where he had been . . . but things were left unsaid too. I wonder again if Keeley was with him, and feel that familiar twinge of jealousy.
I used to be so sure of how I felt about Ollie. How madly in love I was. And I thought we were this classic love story waiting to happen. Now I’m not so sure. Maybe it’ll be clearer when we’re together again. I’ll have to see what happens at the party.