Forty-One
When it all burns down
I’ll see through the embers
I’ll be the one who remembers
What we had
‘Burn’ from Dreamers
School is painful. Kira is not talking to me. On Monday I eat lunch with random girls from my other classes because I feel like it’s fairer if she gets Faye.
‘I want to explain to her,’ I say to Faye. It’s our free period together, Kira has Economics. It’s been one full day of the silent treatment now.
‘You need to give her time,’ says Faye., ‘She’s pretty cut up about it.’
‘I know what I said was harsh, and honestly I didn’t really mean it. I was having a terrible night.’
People start filing into the common room for lunch. I can feel something is wrong. There’re side eyes, hushed murmurs, whispers.
All angled at me.
I see Paula and try to catch her eye, but she looks away.
‘What is going on?’ I say to Faye. ‘Has the whole school heard about our fall-out? Or the party? Neither of those is big news.’
Just then Tori storms in and beelines for us.
‘I think we’re about to find out,’ says Faye.
‘You,’ says Tori, slamming down the latest issue of The Common Room.
Which is weird as it’s a Monday, not a Thursday.
‘Your secret is finally out. I had to print it as soon as I heard it, and I can’t believe I had to keep it to myself for a day, but I needed to see your face in person when it was in print. ’
A sinking feeling starts in my stomach, as I take the paper from her and look at the front page.
★ The Common Room ★
brEAKING NEWS:
SELENA PIA IS THE
SECRET SENDER
We’ve been following the words of the Secret Sender for a while. Clutching with anticipation to her every word. Well, today we can reveal that none other than Year 13 student Selena Pia is the mystery writer.
From her scalding comments on everything from attention seekers to Rose Conrad fans, the Secret Sender has had the final word.
Now the question is: what will she say now she’s been unmasked . . .
I put the paper down, stunned.
‘Anything to say for yourself?’ says Tori, crossing her arms.
‘I think this is the shortest article you’ve written,’ I say finally.
Faye snorts besides me.
‘I wanted to keep it in theme with the Secret Sender’s style. Or, should I say, your style,’ says Tori pointedly.
‘Let me guess,’ I say, looking down at the paper. ‘Kira told you.’ There is no way this was a brilliant feat of investigative journalism from Tori.
‘I was getting close to figuring it out,’ says Tori, as if she’s a prime-time detective instead of a student newspaper editor. ‘But yeah, Kira told me it was you. She showed me the email account. And why would she lie about it? She said something about how revealing you would be good for you.’
‘Of course she did,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘She did what she thought was right.’
Tori shakes her head. ‘I really didn’t believe it at first. You’ve never expressed a controversial opinion in your life! You barely raise a hand in class.’
‘I guess it was deep down inside after all,’ I mumble. Tori’s interrogation is making me uncomfortable. Like I’ve been pulled apart and laid bare for everyone to look at.
I’m overtly conscious of my surroundings. I can see more and more people start muttering around me. Suddenly Paula comes marching up towards us.
‘Hey, Selena,’ says Paula. ‘I have to ask – what did you get out of it? Writing all those things? Putting people down?’
‘I, er, wasn’t trying to put people down,’ I say. And it’s true, it wasn’t my intention.
‘Bullshit,’ says Paula, now looking very angry.
‘At least own what you did. You had the whole school wrapped around your finger. Did you know Katy had this full-blown argument with me because of that salt-on-wounds thing? Told me the Secret Sender made her realise I was lording having a boyfriend over her. But it hadn’t been an issue before, I thought she was happy for me. We didn’t speak for a week!’
‘I didn’t know,’ I say weakly.
‘And now you stand here, unable to stand by what you wrote.’ She shakes her head. ‘Pathetic.’
She walks away, and the bell goes. It’s time for English. Part of me wants to go home, but what did Mum say? Being an adult is about facing the consequences.
‘This wasn’t personal, you know,’ says Tori, looking smug. ‘I’m a journalist, it’s within the public interest.’
Even though she says it sincerely, I can see something else in her eyes. Victory. It may not have been personal to her, but she’s enjoying this.
And I am starting to have a sinking feeling that Kira was right about the Secret Sender all along.
***
I get to class moments behind Paula. It’s completely full and the whispers rise as I walk in.
In truth, I’m really mad at Kira. How could she just out me like this without warning me? Maybe the silent treatment is a good thing, because I would have nothing good to say to her right now.
I sit down by my desk. Ms Harkness immediately starts class, handing out essays. I’ve got near full marks again, but I can’t enjoy it. Not with the glares people are giving me. I sit in silence, noting down what Ms Harkness says, but barely taking it in.
The thing is, there’s nothing to question. It’s clear Kira did this to prove her point.
And it is clear people have found the Secret Sender controversial. Some don’t like what she says. And now they have a face to pin that to, it’s clear they don’t like me.
I get handed a note during class.
It’s easy to comment when nobody knows who you are. Can’t believe you were the one who everyone was listening to this whole time! From, Farah
I crumple the note. What’s getting everyone the most is that it is me who is the Secret Sender. And it stings that to everyone, it’s so unbelievable.
Ms Harkness comes by my desk at the end of the lesson. People are starting to pack up, slowly drifting out.
‘How are you doing?’ she says. ‘Are people giving you a hard time?’
I think about it. ‘No more than I probably deserve. I’ve been in the habit of falling out with people recently. It would make sense it’s now the whole school.’
‘You can talk to me, you know, if it gets too much.’ She looks at me with a lot of concern.
‘Didn’t you tell me secrets weren’t always good to keep?’ I say.
‘Doesn’t mean you should be torn down for it.’
I shake my head. ‘I’ll be fine.’
‘Getting some extra writing help?’ quips Tori, looking at me and Ms Harkness. Ms Harkness sighs and backs away. ‘Wouldn’t think such an illustrious writer would need the support.’
It’s a small jibe, but it really gets under my skin. Tori is doing it because she can. Because now I’m just Selena, the girl who doesn’t fight back. Who doesn’t confront.
But I’m also the Secret Sender. And it’s time to own it.
‘Illustrious writer is right, Tori,’ I say sweetly. ‘We all know the only reason anyone read The Common Room was for me.’
There’s an ‘ooooh’ from all those still in the room.
Tori walks over with such intention in her step I can practically feel her coming towards me.
‘You had the novelty factor,’ she says.
‘I think you’ll find I had good writing,’ I say, holding my ground.
‘Your “articles”,’ she air quotes, ‘were five lines long!’
‘Some may say it’s quality over quantity.’
Out of the corner of my eye I can see people’s heads move between us, like they’re watching a tennis match.
‘Some may say it’s not real journalism,’ she says, and I can see she’s getting riled by me. Good. I won’t let her walk over me.
‘Some may say you published me in the student newspaper. It’s journalism.’
She rolls her eyes. ‘What would you know about journalism?’ she says.
‘Well I got onto the Croydon Post work experience too,’ I say. ‘So I’m clearly equal to you there.’
‘What?’ says Tori, looking visibly disbelieving. ‘You got onto the Post? By yourself?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘With the help of the Secret Sender. I told them all about it.’
I look around the room, seeing everyone captured by me. And for once, I don’t think there’s any point shirking away.
The secret is out; I am not the person they thought I was.
‘Oh, and I’ve been getting the highest marks in English,’ I say, whacking down my paper in front of her. ‘So I think I know something about writing.’
She looks at my paper, back at me, back down again, as if she can’t believe what she’s reading.
‘Don’t underestimate me,’ I say, grabbing the paper off the desk and walk out of the class.
Yup, Kira was right. The truth needed to come out, and I needed to see what would happen, and to own my words. The question is, will she let me explain that to her?