Forty-Six
And when we kiss, we touch
Oh its a hard rush
It feels, it feels . . . electric
I hope I don’t regret it
‘Electric’ from The In-Between
After I get home from meeting Kira, I sit in the kitchen, staring at my laptop. It’s the evening, and Mum is out for dinner with Gina, so I’m eating alone. There’s two tabs open. One, a crossed-through list of potential people to interview. Two, my empty UCAS status screen. Both are disheartening.
A tap at the kitchen-door window. I look around and nearly jump out of my skin.
There is Ty, waving at me.
I open the door and he’s standing on the step in a white jacket and jeans. He looks almost angelic in the garden lights.
For a split second we stare at each other, and the air feels heavy, pulsing between us. I think about what Kira said, how she would kiss him if she was me. I can’t do that, can I? But now she’s said it, I can’t get the idea out of my head.
Ty pulls me outside. It’s good I’m wearing thick slippers, it’s freezing out here!
‘What are you doing?’ I say.
‘I was feeling . . . warm,’ he says hoarsely. ‘The fresh air is good.’
There it is again. The undercurrent of something more.
‘So warm that you’re making me stand in the freezing cold? It’s basically the middle of the night,’ I say, taking a step closer to him, so I can feel the warmth radiating off him. ‘Why did you come over?’
‘Selena, it’s seven p.m. I wanted to hang out,’ he says. ‘See how your interview was going?’
‘Not well,’ I confess. ‘I still don’t have a person to interview. I feel I’ve now called up half the town. I did make up with Kira though.’
‘How did that go?’ he says.
The cold bites me. Remember what Kira said.
‘She forgave me.’ I pause. ‘And she said, “Sometimes you’ve got to do what you want to do.” It was good advice.’
‘And what do you want to do?’ he says. There’s a glint in his eyes.
‘Right now? Be inside.’ But I have to ask. ‘Why did you bring me out here?’
Ty sucks in his cheeks. ‘Why is it that I can’t get you out from under my skin, Selena?’ he says hoarsely.
‘What are you talking about?’ I say. ‘You’re the one who wanted to be friends.’
Could it be that he’s changed his mind?
He steps forwards, and I step back, so I’m standing on the doorstep to the kitchen.
‘All day, all I can think about is you,’ he says. ‘All I want to do is spend time with you.’
‘I want the same thing,’ I say, softly. ‘But you said we were friends.’
Ty’s face twists, and he takes another step closer to me. ‘I know I said that.’ He’s so close to me, I can see the flecks of brown in his eyes. Maybe this is how they look, like they’re shifting colour all the time.
‘Because you might be moving,’ I say.
‘Because I might be moving,’ he repeats, his gaze dropping to my mouth.
‘I’ve been clear with what I want,’ I say softly. ‘This is me, putting myself out there.’ My heart feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest.
‘Why are you doing this?’ he says, putting his hands on either side of my head, so I’m pinned between him and the wall. I don’t mind it at all.
‘Because it’s the truth. Why are you fighting this?’ I say. ‘You don’t know what’s going to happen, neither do I. You’re torturing both of us. Unless you want to leave.’
The last word chokes out of me, like it’s been wanting to escape from me this whole time. That’s the fact. I am afraid Ty deep down wants to go. That’s why he’s been avoiding getting close to me.
We stare at each other for a few seconds, the air feeling even heavier than it did before, like it is about to suffocate us.
He shakes his head, and pushes himself away, spinning around to head back to his garden.
Without thinking what I’m doing, I run after him, grabbing his shoulder.
He turns around, grabs my wrist, pushes me back against the wall of the house. I feel the winter sun on my face, the chill in the air, and all I see are Ty’s brown-green eyes.
And then he kisses me. Or I kiss him. I’m not sure what happens, but we collide.
I’ve been kissed before, hell, I’ve been kissed by Ty before, but I’ve never been kissed like this.
Ty kisses me like he’s been waiting his whole life for this. It’s hungry and raw, and I’m pulling him closer and closer, as if I can crawl into this kiss. It’s somehow angry and tender at the same time. I’ve never felt more alive.
When we finally pull away for air, he rests his forehead on mine, and for a few seconds there’s this peace between us, like it this is the way it’s meant to be.
Then he steps back. And everything snaps back to where it was before.
He rubs his face.
‘I’m sorry, Selena, I shouldn’t have done that.’ He turns and heads back to his house.
***
After the kiss, I head upstairs and lie on my bed, my head spinning. I’m emotionally exhausted.
What was that about?
Why was he sorry?
He never said he didn’t want to leave.
The last realisation punches me in the gut. Does he really want to go? He’s been saying for ages he wants to stay here, but what if he’s changed his mind?
Ty is a chivalrous guy. And if he thinks he’s moving back to the US . . .
But I still haven’t told him how I really feel. I told him I want to be with him, but I haven’t told him why. I asked him if deep down he wanted to leave, but he never answered. And if I’m honest with myself, I’m afraid of the rejection.
Maybe he got caught up in the moment. What if he doesn’t really like me that way, and feels bad about kissing me? What if I was wrong about everything?
Ugh. I roll on my bed, and sink my face into my pillow, as if I can suffocate the thoughts.
I resurface to text the Neapolitan group chat: SOS.