Forty-Nine
And every day that goes by
I have had you by my side
The woman I aspire to be
Mama, you made me
‘Mama’ from Roses
How’s my soon-to-be university student?’ Mum says, patting the spot next to her on the sofa. She pulls me in for a hug. ‘Congratulations, Selena.’
‘I can’t believe I’ve got in somewhere,’ I say. ‘I’ll actually be going next year.’
She squeezes me tightly. ‘I’m going to miss you. What will I do without you?’
There it is. The thing I’m most afraid about. ‘I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to. Or I can stay at home and commute in.’
Mum’s head turns so sharply I didn’t realise it was possible for her to move that fast.
‘What are you talking about?’ she says.
‘What will you do without me?’ I say. ‘It’s what you said. And . . . I don’t know. That’s why I don’t need to go if you think I should stay.’
‘Selena,’ says Mum, moving so she’s now sat fully facing me. I pivot so I’m sat cross legged on the sofa. ‘There is no way on the planet I would let you miss out on university to stay here with me.’
‘But what about your arthritis? Your cane . . .’
‘Look,’ says Mum, touching my hand. ‘I have been looking after myself a long time, and I’ll be able to do it for a time longer. You don’t need to worry about me.’
‘But who else will worry about you? I’m all you have.’
‘You’re the most important person I have in my life, that is true. But I am not alone, and I will be fine without you. You should go, experience university properly.’
‘You don’t really talk to Nani and Papa,’ I whisper. ‘And you’re sick.’
‘Oh Selena, you’ve really been feeling the brunt of this.’ Mum looks visibly upset. ‘Is this why you took so long to apply?’
All at once the immense pressure feels like it’s going to explode in me. All this time, worrying and deciding and putting things off. It’s too much. And I start crying.
‘There doesn’t seem like a good option,’ I say, my voice shaking with the sobs. ‘I want to go. But I don’t want to leave you, or home. I’m so scared about the future. And it’s just the two of us. So I have to be around for you.’
Mum pulls me into a hug. ‘Selena, I wish you’d said something earlier. Because I would have told you, it’s going to be fine.’
‘But how do I know you’re not just saying that so I go?’
‘Well, you don’t know, but you’re going to have to believe me. I’ve always had a strong support network, even if you don’t see it. Nani and Papa do support me, though we don’t see each other often. I raised you by myself, but I’ve had people to lean on. Like you have your friends, I have mine too.’
‘Who do you think I called after that outrageous house party you threw? Gina. And she made me feel better and was there for me, like she has been all these years.’ She grips my shoulders.
‘I will not be the person to hold you back. You have to live the biggest life you want to. That’s all I want for you. ’
I nod, wiping my tears. ‘I don’t want to let you down,’ I say.
‘As long as you try your best, you cannot let me down. I’ve had so many adventures in my life, but my biggest one has been raising you. And I can’t wait to see what you do next.’
Adventures. I look at Mum, and I realise there’s so little I know about her, except the big brushstrokes of her life. This house is littered with all the places she’s been, everything she’s seen, but there’s still so much I don’t know, because I’ve been too afraid to ask.
‘Mum,’ I say.
‘Yes?’
‘Please can I ask you to do something for me? And be honest about it.’