Chapter 12
Lara
“So what you up to tonight?” Parker asked me nonchalantly as we waited on Mila and Ryker to bring out the lunch.
His eyes bore into mine with an intense expression and I wondered what he was thinking.
Everything was even more awkward between us since that night we’d nearly made love and the night we’d met up when he’d been on his date.
We hadn’t spoken since that night, and I wasn’t really sure exactly what he was thinking.
All I knew was I had to move on. Seeing him on that date with Louisa had been the nail in the coffin for me.
It was then that I’d realized I had to move on.
Like, really move on. Parker felt nothing for me, and if he did, he was just playing games.
It didn’t—I didn’t—mean anything to him.
Not like he meant to me. I needed to just forget about all of my daydreams and hopes.
I couldn’t afford to live the rest of my life pining away for him.
“Not really sure,” I lied, not wanting to tell Parker I had a date.
I was already a nervous wreck and part of me felt like telling Parker about the date would be like slamming the door on our nonexistent relationship.
And that would mean I would be giving up all hope.
And while I knew I was a fool for having hope in the first place, it was a hard thing to give up.
I just really wanted to believe that maybe someday it could happen.
Even though I knew I was moving on from him, it was still hard to shut the door completely.
I wanted to cry as I sat there, hating myself for being so flimsy and weak.
I’d just told myself I was going to move on from him, yet I still wasn’t able to completely make the change.
“I’m going to go check out a band in the fashion district if you want to come,” he said casually as he sipped some water.
“Oh? Who?” My heart thudded excitedly. Was he asking me out?
I felt myself about to say yes when I realized that in order to accept his very casual invitation, I’d have to ditch my date with Luke.
And while I didn’t have the same feeling for Luke, he seemed like a really genuine guy who could really like and be into me.
And, well, that meant a whole lot more than what Parker was offering.
He barely knew what I did for a living. And he never really showed any huge interest in me aside from casual hanging out.
“I can’t remember the name.” He shrugged. “But it’s free and I think it’s sponsored by some brewery, so lots of cheap and free beer.”
“Oh, I see. Who else is going?”
“I’m not sure. Some of my buddies and then some girls we met at the bar last week.”
“Oh?” My stomach dropped and I was glad I hadn’t dropped my plans and said I was going to go. I didn’t want to be around him and more girls that were all over him talking about their plans for the night.
“So, yeah, feel free to come.” He shrugged and then stretched his arms. “Mila, where is this food?” he shouted aloud. “Are you trying to make me starve tonight?”
“Parker, shut it,” she shouted back at him, and I laughed. “It’ll be ready soon.”
“So, I don’t think I can make it tonight,” I said softly and gazed at him, everything in me wanting him to look sad and beg me to come. Even though I knew he wouldn’t.
“Okay.” He nodded and gave me a smile, no sadness in his eyes or face. As if it meant nothing to him. Which it likely didn’t. Because I meant nothing to him.
“I have a date,” I said, hoping that maybe that would strike something in him, maybe some sort of jealousy.
I knew it was a long shot. I knew I was playing with fire, but I wanted to affect him.
I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel one iota of the jealousy and confusion that I was feeling. How could he not feel it?
“Cool, good for you. Anyone I know?” He tilted his head, his eyes narrowing slightly, the smile still on his face.
“You don’t know him. His name is Luke,” I continued, my heart feeling like it was breaking.
How could I be so upset about going on a date with someone?
I knew I wasn’t upset about the date, but more so that Parker wasn’t reacting in the way I wanted him to.
Why was he smiling like it was a good thing?
Why didn’t he look pissed or upset? Didn’t he care at all?
“Luke Skywalker?” he said with a laugh, and I shook my head.
“No. Not Luke Skywalker.”
“So, how did you guys meet?” he asked me again. This time his voice was tight and his eyes were a little colder. I gazed back at him, and for a second part of me wanted to ask him if he really cared or if he was just asking to ask.
“I actually met him through a girl at work.” I smiled, not knowing why I was lying. Maybe I felt like I was a loser admitting I’d met him online. “He came to a happy hour with her boyfriend and we kinda hit it off.”
“Wow, look at you. Just reeling them in.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s me. I get all the guys—hook, line, and sinker.”
“Well, that’s why you pretty girls always have it easier than us men.”
“Ha, yeah, okay.” I laughed, though I was on cloud nine that he’d called me pretty. Why was I so pitiful?
“So what does he do?”
“I can’t really remember. I guess I’ll find out tonight.” I laughed. “I was a little tipsy when we met, but he seems like a really nice guy. Really friendly, really funny, really sweet.” I knew I was laying it on thick, but I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“Friendly, funny, and sweet?” Parker’s facial expression was almost stoic now. “Is that all you girls look for now?”
“Well, you know.” I laughed, feeling suddenly better that he wasn’t looking so happy. “He’s super hot as well.”
“Because super hot means a lot, right?” he said with a sneer.
“Oh, yeah, it means everything to me.” I rolled my eyes. “All my boyfriends need to be super hot.”
“So he’s your boyfriend now?”
“I hardly think so.” I rolled my eyes at him. “This is technically our first date. We’ve only met once before this.”
“So maybe after tonight he’ll be your boyfriend? Or do you need multiple dates for that to happen?”
“For what to happen? What are you going on about, Parker?” I asked him in confusion. “You’re not really making much sense.”
“I’m just helping you think about what you want. The important questions,” he said with a frown. “How long will it take for you guys to be an official couple?”
“I have no idea. I don’t even know if he’s interested.”
“I guess ask him tonight.”
“I’m not going to ask him that. That’s ridiculous. I would look crazy. Who asks someone if they want to be boyfriend/girlfriend after one date?”
“You’re not asking him that specific question, you’re asking him how many dates it will take for him to consider that relationship with you.”
“I’m not asking him either of those questions.”
“Why not?”
“Why are you being so ridiculous, Parker?” I frowned. “I barely know this guy. I’m not going to ask him anything about relationships. I’m not desperate.”
“Okay, sure. If you say so.”
“Yeah, I say so.” I was annoyed.
“I mean, I know you really want to meet someone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I sat up straight and my tone changed.
“I mean, now that Mila is getting married, I suppose your biological clock is ticking.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“I’m just telling the truth as I see it.”
“You see me as some desperado who is dying to get married? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Would I say that?” He gave me a huge grin. “I mean, would I call you a desperado?”
“Yeah, I think you would.” I didn’t grin back, my feelings super hurt.
“I’m just joking, Lara. I hope your date with Luke goes well and if you guys want to come join us at the concert later, just let me know.”
“Yeah, I’ll see.”
“What are you guys doing, anyway?”
“I think dinner and a movie?”
“Movie?” He made a face. “That’s not a good first date option. What talking can you do there?”
“It’s an arthouse movie. I think he said he wanted to grab a coffee afterwards and discuss.”
“Boring.”
“Parker!” I admonished him, but laughed slightly as I did think the date sounded a bit lame.
I mean, I liked movies, but what exactly was an arthouse movie and what were we going to be discussing afterwards?
I wasn’t sure I even knew what to look for in the movie and I was hoping I didn’t fall asleep.
“I just hope you don’t fall asleep on the guy,” he said, and our eyes met for a few seconds.
I wondered if he could read my mind. Wondered if he knew that all he needed to say was he didn’t want me to go—and the date would be done.
Wondered if he knew he was the only guy I wanted to fall asleep on, in more ways than one.
“Yeah, I don’t anticipate that happening,” I said and waited for him to say something, anything that would be a real indication that I shouldn’t be attempting to move on.
“Good, you want to make a good impression.” He grinned at me then and rubbed his stomach. “Man, I’m so hungry.”
“Yeah, me too.” I nodded at him, realizing that the conversation about my date was over.
And I felt like I was the only one who was feeling bad about everything.
He didn’t seem hurt or jealous, and that was actually making me feel worse inside.
Why couldn’t he just feel the same way I did?
Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he just, for one second, react in the way I wanted him to?
I just didn’t know how to get rid of these feelings.
I didn’t know how to stop loving him. I just wanted to cry.
I just wanted to go home and lie in my bed and feel sorry for myself.
I didn’t even want to go on the date with Luke anymore.
Yes, I was attracted to his photos, but not in the same way I was to Parker in real life.
Just seeing Parker made my heart skip a beat.
I wasn’t sure if it was healthy—well, I knew it wasn’t healthy.
I knew I was obsessed. I knew I was driving myself crazy.
That I was making myself sick and depressed.
I knew I was in the worst possible position that I could be in, in this situation.
I knew, at the bottom of my heart, that I needed to let go of Parker.
I couldn’t keep going through this. I needed to stop feeling this way.
It was just breaking my heart. Every time I saw him, I wanted to cry.
Well, not when I saw him. It was always after I saw him.
Always when the emptiness hit me. That was when I wanted to cry and curl up inside of myself.
I just couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
I didn’t want to be so depressed that I couldn’t sleep.
I didn’t want my dreams to be filled with him.
I didn’t want my every waking moment to be filled with wishing I could be with him.
Sometimes I felt like I was wishing upon a star—a sad, lonely, low-hanging star.
A star that shone so brightly, had so much hope, seemed so close, but when I reached up, it was always just out of my grasp.
Always just a little too far away. I wanted to believe that one day I’d get there, that I’d be able to hold it in my hands, but it was elusive, ever elusive, and I didn’t know if I had the time or energy for one day anymore.
I just didn’t know what the point was. One day a million things could happen.
One day I could be dead. One day, one day, one day nothing could happen.
One day I could wake up and realize I’d wasted my whole life reaching for something that was always just out of reach.
I knew that today was the day I had to change.
I needed to be done with the games. I needed to be done with the dreams and the hopes.
I needed to just be done. I needed to take care of the heart that was breaking inside of me.
I needed to heal. If I didn’t, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t sink into an even deeper hole.
A hole that I’d never get out of. And that scared me more than a life without Parker.
I couldn’t keep living like this. I had finally come to the realization that I had to give up. I just didn’t know how.
“By the way,” I said, needing to come clean, “I lied. I met him online. We’ve exchanged a few emails, but this will be the first time we’re meeting.
” I gave Parker a crooked smile. “But you’re right, Mila getting engaged to Ryker has made me realize I want a serious boyfriend.
I want someone to love me who I can love back. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
“It’s not,” he said slowly, his eyes never leaving mine as he gave me a small, weak smile. “I think you deserve the best, Lara. You really do.”
“Thank you,” I said, my heart breaking.
“I hope he’s a great guy,” he continued. “I hope you fall in love and he can be the man you need and want. I hope you find everything you’re looking for. You’re a great girl and you deserve the best.”
“Thanks,” I said, my heart being torn out of my body at his words.
All hope had left the building. It had hit me once again.
Parker didn’t love me. He never would. He didn’t care.
At all. He never would. My heart sank with a thousand ships and my spirit left me.
It was all I could do to keep a smile on my face as we sat there, both of us looking away and fiddling with our cutlery as we waited for Mila and Ryker to bring out our lunch.