Chapter 14
Lara
There’s a moment when your heart stops. Sometimes it’s in happiness and sometimes it’s in pain.
The painful moment—that’s the moment I hate the most. I call this moment “the moment before living death.” It’s the point where you think you won’t be able to go on.
I’ve experienced that moment several times now.
Every time Parker gave me a look and then turned away without really looking at me.
Every time I hoped he would tell me he loved me, but he talked about another girl instead.
Every time I think of him with someone else.
Those moments make me want to die. The pain is so sharp, so deep, that I can feel my entire body succumbing to some unknown pain that pierces my soul.
I can literally feel a piece of my soul leaving me every time he gazes away from me.
Those moments were fleeting. Up until now.
Now, the moment was embedded in me. Now, the pain of near death was ingrained in my soul.
I ran out of Mila’s house with my entire body shaking.
I was still high from Parker making love to me.
I could still feel his kisses as he entered me.
I could still feel the excitement and hope in my veins.
The hope that had been living in me for years.
The hope that he had just extinguished by telling me he still wanted me to go on the date with Luke.
He hadn’t slept with me because he wanted me all to himself.
He hadn’t slept with me because he couldn’t stand me going out with Luke.
He had slept with me because he didn’t want sloppy seconds.
He wanted to fuck me. As he’d said so crudely.
And that was it. He’d taken what he’d wanted and discarded me.
Told me to move on to the next guy. And yet, somewhere inside of me, there was still hope.
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I was such a fool.
How could I be such a fool? After everything.
After leaving Mila’s in a panic, almost in tears, hating him with all my heart.
Even when I said I was done. It was still there.
I could feel it in the bottom of my soul.
The hope was going to murder me in the night.
The hope is too much. It kills me—slays me in the middle of the night when I’m lying there, thinking of and rehearing our entire conversation from the day.
I think about our texts, our calls, every little thing he’d said to me or hadn’t said to me.
Over and over again. I just don’t understand how I can feel something so deep and strong.
I can’t fathom how my heart and soul can carry such love when there is nothing being given back to me.
I used to think it was better to have loved and lost. I used to think I was glad to be experiencing this emotion.
It meant I was living and trying. Love was a good thing.
Love was a beautiful thing. I used to enjoy the feeling of my heart racing every time I saw him.
It used to feel like I was flying. It used to feel like I was on top of the world.
I craved the feeling. At least I did when I hadn’t felt the pain and the rejection.
When I just lived for the moments of us being together.
When a simple hello could make my week. Those were the days, the weeks, the months that made me love being in love.
But then I got older, wiser, and sadder.
Now the love is tinged in pain. Now every time we share a smile, I don’t know whether I want to laugh or cry.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a walking corpse and that my life will never be the same again.
And now that I’d slept with him, now that I’d known him in a way I’d dreamt of for years, I knew everything would only get harder.
Parker Brookstone. The man of my dreams. The man I considered my soulmate.
Once upon a time I believed we were destined to be with each other.
Once upon a time, I thought it was inevitable.
I’d believed there could be no feeling this strong, this powerful that wasn’t real, that didn’t mean we were made for each other.
But now . . . now I’m older. Now I’m walking down the street after the best and worst moment of my life.
Now I’m sitting here on a random street bench trying not to cry my eyes out, and I’m wondering to myself what’s possessed me?
What’s come over me? How can I be so sad, so desperate, and so crazy over someone who doesn’t care?
I didn’t know if he ever thought about me, if he ever cared.
Oh, the pain at that feeling. The pain knowing he was always in my thoughts but I was nothing to him.
It consumed me. Absolutely consumed me. It made me question my sanity and self-worth.
It made me question everything. He meant everything to me.
I’d given myself to him willingly, lovingly. I’d been excited when he’d teased me under the table and taken me to the bedroom. I’d thought it meant something more than it had—but of course, I’d been wrong again.
I felt the warm tears running down my face and I buried my face in my hands.
I let the tears pour down my face ungracefully.
I let myself sob until my eyes hurt. I let my body shake.
I let myself cry out in anguish. I let myself release all of the sorrow and despair that I felt.
Parker had broken me. I’d let him break me.
I was no longer a person I recognized. I was no longer me.
And if I was honest with myself, I knew it wasn’t Parker’s fault.
It was mine. He’d never pretended to offer me anything else.
He’d never made any false promises. He’d never told me he loved me or even liked me in a way more than friends.
It had all been in my head, and I had to let go.
If I didn’t, I was scared about how much lower I could go.
As I sat up and looked at the empty road in front of me, I realized I was already at the lowest I’d ever been and I couldn’t allow myself to sink even further. It was time for me to be strong. It was time for me to let Parker go.
I hate first dates. I hate having nerves.
I hate the feeling of not knowing what the guy will think of me.
I hate not having confidence. I’m not really sure when or how I lost it.
I think I lost it at some point around the time I realized I was in love with Parker and he didn’t feel the same way about me.
It took the wind out of my sails and I’ve never really recovered from that.
I’ve never gotten back that hopeful innocence and self-esteem.
In fact, most times now I wish I could change who I was.
That’s what loving Parker has done to me.
It’s made me wish I could change and be the woman he would fall in love with.
I wish I could mold myself into the woman he wants.
I’d change everything I needed to change in order for him to want me.
I know that sounds pitiful. I know it’s weak, but that’s how much I love him.
I’d change anything and everything: my looks, my personality, my likes, everything.
I know that’s not healthy. I know that’s not love.
I know I have a problem. Some deep, dark, emotional issues that I should fix.
But how can I fix them? Fixing them would mean not loving Parker.
It would mean acknowledging that it’s never going to happen.
That’s hard, but I’m going to try. Mila thinks I’m going on these dates to make Parker jealous.
She thinks I’m still going for his heart.
But that’s not completely true. While it’s true that I still love him and want him with every part of me, I also want to let him go.
I don’t want to play these games. I don’t want to be his best friend.
I don’t want to wake up at 3 a.m. anymore in a dead panic.
I don’t want to feel like I’m not in control.
It’s a helpless feeling. A mind-numbing, crazy, crazy feeling.
It’s a feeling of emptiness that I’ve never experienced before.
My whole life is on edge. And I hate it.
So that’s why I’m really going on the date.
I want to meet someone else. And that’s why I’m willing to suck up my fear.
Any pain or rejection I feel will be nothing compared to what I’ve already experienced with Parker.
Rejection is a bitch. And if Luke doesn’t like me, it will sting, but not as much as the pain resonating through me at what Parker has done to me.
Mila thinks I’m dating as a way to win Parker, but I know that I’m dating as a way to move on.
I want to find someone who can love me in the way I want to be loved.
I deserve that and I know I deserve it, but I also know getting to that part is going to suck.
I checked my face in my rearview mirror one more time, reapplied some lipstick, and then jumped out, smoothing out my dress and tucking my hair back behind my ear.
I took a deep breath and hurried toward the coffee shop where I was going to meet Luke.
I was surprised that my eyes looked clear even after all of my earlier crying.
I felt a bit weird to be going on a first date the same day I’d slept with someone else, but I was just going to pretend that Parker and I had never hooked up.
I was not going to let him ruin my date with Luke.
I walked in hesitantly, surprisingly not feeling as many nerves as I thought I would. I looked around and immediately saw him on a couch, a huge smile on his face as he jumped up.