Chapter 15
Parker
“So how was your third date with Luke?” Mila asked Lara, and I felt my stomach curdle involuntarily.
I looked at Lara’s face, a grin plastered on mine, but inside I wasn’t feeling like smiling.
I watched as Lara giggled nervously, and as her eyes looked into mine, I could see a flush on her face.
I could tell she’d had fun and that made me mad.
Not that it was the only reason why I was feeling pissed.
Lara hadn’t responded to any of my texts or Facebook messages since the day we’d made love, and it was driving me crazy not knowing what she was thinking or doing.
Or how her date with Luke had gone. Now I knew it had gone well, seeing as Mila was talking about three dates.
Three dates in two weeks? What the hell?
Was the guy eager or what? I could feel my stomach churning as I wondered if they’d kissed or made love.
Was that why she hadn’t messaged me back?
Had she already moved on? I sat there trying to pretend I didn’t want to ask Mila to leave the room.
I was lucky to even have gotten an invite to hang out, seeing as it seemed like Lara was trying to avoid me.
“It was fun, thanks,” she said simply, her eyes on Mila. She still had barely looked at me and it was infuriating. Was she going to continue ignoring me?
“What did you guys do? Did he kiss you yet?” Mila asked eagerly, and I wanted to tell her to shut up.
I didn’t want to hear about Lara’s date.
Who cared? I guessed the feeling in my stomach told me that some part of me cared.
And that made me mad. I didn’t care about the dates.
I more cared that she was upset at me. Lara wasn’t what I wanted.
She was a great girl, but I didn’t love her and I didn’t want to spend my life with her.
To be fair, I couldn’t see myself spending my life with anyone.
I ignored the voice in me that was telling me I was lying to myself.
I just couldn’t let myself get into this situation.
I wasn’t sure what I was thinking or feeling anymore.
I just knew I was starting to feel like I was going crazy and that I couldn’t get Lara out of my mind and I just wasn’t sure why.
I should be happy she’s dating someone she likes.
I should be happy that she’s finding love, because I sure as hell can’t give her that.
We just weren’t compatible in that regard.
And to pretend otherwise just wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair to her, and Mila would kill me if I continued to push things knowing that.
I could ignore the small pangs of annoyance and pain that befell me when Lara talked about men.
I would just have to get over it. I mean, she deserved a good guy.
Deserved a man who wanted what she wanted.
In truth, I was still attracted to other women, even though I was also attracted to Lara.
But even though I knew her style of commitment wasn’t for me, there were times I looked at Lara and my heart skipped not one but two beats.
Sometimes, I didn’t want to walk away from her.
Sometimes, I could just drown in her eyes.
Sometimes, I just wanted to reach out and touch her cheek or brush a hair away from her face.
Sometimes, I just wanted to hold her hand.
When her face looked sad or when I heard uncertainty in her voice, I just wanted to tell her she could talk to me.
I wanted to tell her there was nothing she couldn’t share with me.
And more recently, I hadn’t been able to sleep without thinking of her and checking her Facebook page to see if I could find out what she was doing.
I checked my phone umpteen times a day to see if she’d texted me back.
I wanted to know what she was thinking, if she was mad.
I had knots in my stomach. And I hated it.
I hated this feeling of uncertainty. I hated not knowing why I felt this way. I hated thinking about her with Luke.
I wanted her here with me. I wanted to talk to her.
I wanted us to laugh together. I wanted everything to be normal again.
If I was honest, I certainly didn’t want to hear about Luke.
I didn’t want to hear about her laughing, thinking, feeling, touching another guy.
I didn’t analyze why I didn’t want to hear about it.
It didn’t matter. It was probably a gut reaction, some sort of alpha chemical bullshit that made me feel things I didn’t really feel.
I just had to keep reminding myself of that fact.
I did not love Lara. I did not want to date Lara.
We were not compatible. A relationship between the two of us would never work.
It would never be anything more than sex for me and she was ultimately worth more than that.
She was a good person. She deserved the best. She deserved a real love.
She deserved to have the best part of someone.
And I couldn’t allow my temporary jealousy to ruin that for her.
I had to not be selfish. I had to be a good friend.
I had to show her I could be a good friend.
I needed her to forgive me. I needed to be back in her life.
I needed her to give me that smile she only gave me.
That feeling that warmed me inside. She’d make a good girlfriend.
I knew that. She needed someone who could give her back that same devotion.
Sometimes I wished I could be that man, the one who could give her that.
Sometimes I thought perhaps I could be that man.
On good days when the sun was shining and everything was right in my world, I thought I could be her knight in shining armor.
I thought maybe I should ignore the inner voice and just go with my feelings, but then I thought to myself, What would I say?
What would I do? What did I really feel?
I knew I didn’t really appreciate the feelings she made me feel inside.
They made me uncomfortable. And I wasn’t sure if the feelings she made me feel inside were due to her ignoring me.
What if everything went back to normal and I didn’t care so much anymore?
Everything about this situation made me uncomfortable, and while sometimes I appreciated being taken out of my comfort zone, for the most part I didn’t.
I didn’t like the way she made me feel. I didn’t like the ups and downs of being around her.
I liked to be even-keeled. I liked just feeling good, and she didn’t always make me feel good.
I couldn’t explain it. I’d never had someone make me feel so happy from just laughing at my jokes.
It was a weird experience. To feel. To be so influenced by someone else’s reactions to me.
I didn’t know why I cared. It was just Lara.
And yet, here I sat, wondering what she was thinking and feeling and when she’d look at me and give me that smile that would let me know everything between us was okay again.
“So, what do you think, Parker?” Mila asked me, and I looked up in confusion.
“Think about what?” I blinked. I could see Lara’s eyes on me, a weird expression on her face as they both gazed at me.
“What Luke said to Lara.” Mila sighed in annoyance. “Do you think that means he’s into her or do you think he’s just playing with her? I mean, I think it’s fairly obvious he’s into her.”
“Sorry, what?” I blinked, annoyed that the Luke conversation was still going on, even though I had obviously spaced out. Why couldn’t girls talk about anything other than guys?
“Do you think Luke likes Lara?” Mila asked again, spacing out her words slowly, enunciating each syllable exaggeratingly.
“How the fuck am I supposed to know?” I said, letting my frustrations out as I replied. I could see Lara’s eyes widening as Mila glared at me.
“You’re such an asshole, Parker. If you’d been listening to what I’d just been saying instead of daydreaming about heaven knows what . . .”
“Shut up, Mila.” I glared at her. Then I looked over at Lara.
“Look, if he asks you out again, that’s a pretty good indication he likes you.
” I paused and cleared my throat. “Unless of course you have already had sex with him.” I stared her down, trying to see if I could tell from her reaction if she’d slept with him.
My body felt tense as I tried to figure it out.
“Parker!” Mila shouted at me. “What are you trying to say?”
“I’m just saying that if Lara already gave the milk away for free, he may not be interested in buying the cow.”
“You’re such an asshole.” Mila looked at me with such a venomous glare that I almost burst out laughing.
“What? You wanted a guy’s perspective, right?” I glared back at her. “Isn’t that why I’m here and Ryker was smart enough to have alternate plans?” I raised an eyebrow at the two women, not even caring that I was being deliberately offensive and annoying. Had she slept with him or not?
“Ryker had to work, something you rarely do,” Mila responded.
“And you didn’t come to dish out any guy advice, you came for free food, so stop acting like you’re some sort of god or hero or advice uncle because we asked you one question.
You didn’t even listen to what we were saying, so you officially suck in that role anyway. ”
“Fine!” I put my hands up and sighed. “I’m listening. Tell me the story. What the fuck did Frank say to Lara that has her knickers in a twist?” I didn’t even try to hide my annoyance.
“His name is Luke.” Mila rolled her eyes.