Chapter 18
Lara
There’s a feeling at the end, when you know it’s the end.
It’s a feeling of despair, of hurt, of knowing there’s nothing you can do to change your fate.
It’s the feeling of knowing you will never be enough.
Knowing that no part of you will ever be enough, and it’s heartbreaking.
It makes you wonder, What’s wrong with me?
Why am I not lovable? Why am I not enough?
It’s the moment that makes you want to not be alive.
It’s the moment when you give up all hope.
It’s the moment you know you will never be pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, rich enough.
It’s the moment when you doubt everything you ever believed.
Sometimes I wonder how I got to such a low spot.
It’s the moment I wondered, Why me? It’s the moment I just wanted to fade into oblivion.
We grow up believing that one day our fairy tale will come true, but what if that’s never the case?
What if we’re destined to be alone? What if we’re not lovable?
What if there’s something wrong with us?
Even though we try to be the best person we can be, what if above everything else, we are just never destined to find love or have happiness?
Life should mean more than having a partner.
It should mean more than loving and being loved.
But what if that’s all you ever wanted? What if all you ever wanted was for someone to look at you with adoration in their eyes?
What if all you ever wanted was to feel that someone understood you?
Cared about you? Loved you? What if all you ever wanted was to be enough?
It’s hard feeling like you’re not enough.
It’s hard feeling there’s something lacking in you.
Knowing there’s something you will never, ever have.
Something that you see everyone else has but you.
I just don’t understand. Why not me? I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.
What can I change? What can I do? What can I feel?
What can I say? Can I be skinnier? How can I be prettier?
How can I be more desirable? How can I get smarter? What can I do? If only I knew.
If only I knew.
If only I knew why Parker didn’t love me.
If only I knew why he didn’t care. Why he didn’t understand.
Why he didn’t want to be with me. But I didn’t.
I couldn’t understand why I could love him so much and he could be so oblivious.
I could spend my life trying to figure it out, and yet I would never understand.
There’s a voice in my head that screams and shouts at me.
A voice that wonders why I can’t just let it go.
It’s a voice that hates me being me. It hates me feeling like this.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality.
Sometimes I wonder if I have serious mental issues.
Any sane person, any normal person, would have moved on by now.
They would have gotten the memo. I got the memo, several times, and ripped it to pieces.
I deserve the heartache I feel. I deserve not feeling good enough.
I deserve it for constantly putting myself in this position.
And though I deserve it, that doesn’t stop me from shedding tears for myself.
It doesn’t stop it from hurting. If only I could figure out a way to stop the hurt and pain.
“I can’t breathe,” I whispered over the phone to Mila as soon as she answered. I was sobbing but trying to mask my voice, so I was talking as low as possible.
“What?” she said loudly. “Are you sick?”
“No . . . maybe. I don’t know.” Tears were streaming down my face and I took a deep breath. “I just can’t breathe.”
“What’s going on, Lara?” Mila sounded worried, but I could hear her yawning.
“Sorry for waking you up,” I said, feeling guilty. “Parker left me some messages. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“You can wake me up at any time. You know that.” Her voice was loud again and I could hear Ryker in the background mumbling something. “It’s Lara,” she whispered, and I smiled as I heard her saying something to him, telling him to go back to sleep. “Hold on, Lara.”
“Okay,” I said and lay back in the bed and closed my eyes.
My heart felt heavy and I clutched the phone next to my ear as I pulled the covers up over my head.
The room felt like it was spinning and I felt like I just wanted to never wake up again.
I knew I shouldn’t feel so morbid, that my situation wasn’t the end of the world, but I just couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself.
“I’m back,” she said, her voice softer now. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t stop thinking about Parker,” I said, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.
“Did something happen?” Mila sounded worried. “Did he say something stupid?”
“No, yes, no.” I sighed. “He left me a voicemail.”
“Hurtful?”
“No, it was really nice. It wasn’t anything, but it meant everything to me. He sounded really sincere.” My voice cracked.
“Oh? Is that a bad thing?”
“He’s always on my mind, Mila. When I heard his voicemail, I felt so happy. I felt on top of the world. I literally went from feeling despondent and down to flying. It’s not right that he should control my emotions this way. I’m just a nuRykerob.” I groaned. “Why does he make me feel this way?”
“Because you love him,” she said softly, and I groaned. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I know how hard this is for you.”
“How can I stop loving him? I need to stop loving him. This is too hard. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Mila. I can’t keep loving him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to call him back. What’s the point? Nothing ever changes. I’m always just chasing butterflies into the sky.”
“I don’t know,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
“I think I need to cut him out of my life,” I said, as much to myself as to her. “I need to just forget him completely.”
“How are you going to do that?” she said, her words coming slowly. “He’s my brother.”
“I know,” I said and I could feel my heart racing again. Only this time, it was with anxiety. “I don’t know what else to do. This isn’t healthy for me.”
“So what about events that I invite you both to?”
“I won’t be able to go. I’m sorry, Mila, but I need to do this for me. You just don’t understand. I love him so much and I just can’t seem to give him up and I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Is this because of Luke?”
“Luke?” I sighed. “I don’t know. But no, not really.
Yes, I like Luke. I think he’s handsome and really fun and for some reason he really likes me.
And that makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I can be loved, but I also know that this isn’t our time.
I can’t give him all of me and that’s not fair to him.
I can’t do that to him just so I can get over Parker. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“No, I’m going to have lunch with him tomorrow.
He deserves to know what’s going on and I want to be as honest with him as I can.
Maybe in the future we can see if we have a chance, but right now I need to focus on me and healing my heart.
I need to focus on my life and being emotionally healthy.
I need to purge Parker from my system. I’m done with this. ”
“So you’ve given up?” Mila’s voice sounded sadder than I’d ever heard it before, her tone showcasing the hurt in my heart.
“If you want to call it that.” I sighed, not wanting her to make me feel worse about my decision.
“You don’t love Parker anymore?”
“I don’t know what I feel for him anymore.
I mean, yes, I love him. I’ll always love him, but I don’t want to be in love with him.
I want to completely forget him. I want to forget I ever met him.
I want to rid him from my mind completely.
” I shook my head, though that wasn’t completely honest. In my heart of hearts, I knew.
“Being around Luke has really made me realize how much Parker just isn’t into me.
Luke is a good guy,” I said, my voice suddenly getting loud.
“He’s a really good guy. And I like him and he likes me.
And he makes me laugh. And he thinks I’m pretty.
And he likes being with me. And he asks me on dates.
And he texts me. And . . .” My voice trailed off as I heard Mila breathing into the phone.
“I need someone who wants me, Mila. I need someone who can love me. And I’ve thought about it.
I’ve wondered if I’m being bad to Luke by dating him, knowing I still have feelings for Parker, and that’s why I’m ending it with him.
And I really like Luke. When I’m with him, I don’t think of Parker.
Well, not really. Only sometimes. And most of the time I’m okay.
Sometimes I even think I could fall for Luke.
Sometimes I even think I could love him.
Not like I love Parker, at least that’s how I feel now.
And do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I’m never going to find love.
You ask me if I still love Parker like it’s that easy.
Like that makes my decision easier. The problem is, I love Parker so much.
The problem is that he’s my entire world and I’m nothing to him. ”
“We won’t be sisters,” Mila said softly.