Chapter 19
Parker
Lara stood in front of me, her face tired and her eyes red and every little inch of me felt like a piece of crap.
I’d come over here wanting to accuse her of being in love with Luke.
Wanting to tell her that she’d ditched me for him.
Wanting to play the innocent victim because I was hurt that she hadn’t returned my calls and texts.
I was an asshole, I realized that now. And more importantly, Mila had been right.
I was selfish. I was really selfish. I was seeing this all through my own eyes.
I was feeling my own hurt. I was dealing with my own pain.
And I wasn’t seeing it through the perspective of Lara.
I felt like grabbing a dagger and sticking it through my own heart for being such a selfish, asinine idiot.
“I lied,” I said as I stepped back from her and pursed my lips. I let out a huge sigh and ran my hands through my hair. I could tell from the expression on her face that she had no idea what was going on.
“You lied about what?” she said, her eyes barely able to look into mine.
“I lied when I pretended I didn’t know what you were talking about the other day. When you talked about relationships.” I pursed my lips.
“Oh,” she said and looked down. “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It wasn’t really relevant to us.”
“Of course it was relevant.” I sighed again as I listened to her. What had happened to her spunk? Had I done this to her? Had I made her this shell of a person? “I’m an idiot, Lara. A fucking idiot. You can hit me, beat me, spank me, do whatever you want to me. I deserve it.”
“What are you talking about?” She looked up at me in confusion, blinking slowly.
I wanted to reach out and pull her into my arms. I wanted to kiss away her pain.
I wanted to tell her I was sorry for being such a jackass.
I wanted to go back in time and redo so many things, but I knew that none of that was possible. At least not now.
“I’m not a complicated guy, you know,” I started mumbling.
“I like beer. I like sports. I like women.” I sighed.
“I had a good childhood, have good friends. Everything has been pretty easy for me. I like my life. I like it being uncomplicated. I don’t do complicated.
I don’t do entanglements. I’ve never had to worry about someone depending on me, needing me.
I’ve never had to worry about my own feelings becoming tied to someone else, either.
I’ve never had that happen to me before. ”
“What?” she said softly.
“I’ve never felt bad because I thought someone was upset at me before.” I gave her a look. “I guess I’m emotionally immature, but I’ve never cared that much about a person that my own feelings have changed based on how they’re feeling.”
“I see,” she said, but her expression showed that she wasn’t really following what I was saying.
“I’ve never experienced jealousy before, either. I never knew what it felt like to lie awake all night, wondering what someone was doing, where they were, who they were talking to, if they were thinking of me. I’ve never known that I could be jealous of my own sister.”
“You’ve been jealous of Mila?”
I nodded and then grabbed her hand. “Can we go and sit down? Please?”
“Okay.” She nodded and we walked toward her living room and sat down on the couch. I looked over at her and I could feel my heartstrings tightening. How had I not known how I felt about Lara before all of this? How had I ignored the feeling in my heart? Had I been that dumb and blind?
“I was jealous of the fact that Mila got to talk to you, to spend time with you. I was jealous that she was the one you were going to. I wanted it to be me. I wanted to hear from you. I wanted to be your one.”
“I could hardly go to you about you,” Lara said softly. “Anyways, what do you care?”
“Oh, Lara, I’ve really and truly confused you, haven’t I? I suppose it makes sense, though. I’ve been so confused myself. Not only was I lying to you, but I was lying to myself as well.”
“Lying about what, exactly?”
“Lying that I didn’t care. Lying that I didn’t know that you cared.
Lying that I thought this was casual. Lying that I was okay with it being casual.
Lying that I was okay with you going on dates.
Lying that I was okay with you dating Luke.
Lying that I wanted to go on dates with other women.
Lying that I was thinking about other women aside from you.
Lying that I wasn’t thinking about you all the time.
Lying that we were just friends. Lying that I didn’t want more.
Lying that I couldn’t give you more. Lying that this wasn’t something special.
Lying that the feeling in my heart wasn’t love.
” I paused then and watched her face as she gasped and stared at me with wide eyes.
I knew in that instant that whatever she’d felt for me hadn’t faded completely.
The light that shone in her eyes, the way she looked at me, the sudden glow that she had .
. . It meant something. It meant I still had a chance.
All I needed was one last chance. All I needed was for Lara to know that I knew I’d screwed up.
I knew that I had broken her, not intentionally, never intentionally.
It killed me to think she’d been in pain because I’d been such an idiot, but I wanted to make it up to her.
I needed to make it up to her. I needed her to know I wanted to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, showing her that I wasn’t going to be afraid of my feelings anymore.
I wanted to step out of my comfort zone.
I wanted to give her everything she wanted.
I wanted to stop lying to her and myself.
I wanted to be the man she wanted me to be.
I wanted to be the man she thought I was.
I wanted to prove to her that my love and my heart were hers forever and I never wanted her to ever have to doubt that again.