Chapter 5
Chapter
Five
Edith
“ G ood morning, Mr Lockmore.” I wave and smile as I walk past his gate. The little old man is pottering around his front garden, wearing his tweed cap that I don’t think he’s taken off in all the time I have known him. For a ninety-eight-year-old man, he sure has good hearing and at times, I swear he can move faster than I can. He’s always got a smile on his face, and I’ve never heard him say a bad word about anyone. That’s another thing I love about this place: everyone is friendly and wouldn’t think twice about stopping to help should anyone need it—that is except Lorna.
“Oh, good morning. And how is young Edith today?”
I slow down my run and head over to him. “I’m very well thank you.”
“Good to hear. No work today?”
“Not today. Day off.”
I’ve worked my arse off to get where I am, and I’m damn proud of the salon, but after everything with Leon and losing my sister, it was the only thing I’d had control of. So, I’d worked long hours to try and rid the massive hole that had become my life. That was until I’d ended up running on empty and then coming home to run for miles. Daisy had been the one who had told me to cut down and she’d put a stop to all that, going bat-shit with me one weekend and telling me I was slowly killing myself after I’d collapsed. Now, my hours at work are more consistent, and after hiring another therapist, I have a least one day off during the week. Joel has organised his schedule so that we have the same day off and inevitably end up spending it together each week.
“And what a beautiful day it is for you to have free time.”
“It sure is. Have a good day. ”
He smiles and waves before turning back to carry on doing whatever he was prior.
My morning run today has had me heading over to Burnsall village to get some milk from the general store. On foot, it’s a little over an hour’s walk but is our nearest shop, but when I run, I’m there and back in no time, giving me the rest of the day to enjoy the warmer weather and relax.
The tranquillity I’m feeling is disturbed by a car honking right behind me, scaring the life out of me and causing me to jump six feet.
Turning around, I’m greeted with a familiar white Audi cruising up beside me and a grin on Joel’s face as the window rolls down.
“Are you fucking crazy!”
“How you doin’?” he asks, giving me his impression of Joey from Friends.
Leaning my arms on the edge of the car door, I raise a brow at him. “You do realise that kerb-crawling is illegal, right?”
“By the way you’re leaning against my car, I’d say you’re no stranger to it.”
“Dickhead,” I mutter, which only makes him laugh. He looks tired today. “Were you up late again last night?”
“Kinda. Fell asleep at my desk and woke up with my face stuck to my paperwork.”
“Drooling?”
“A little.”
“Attractive.”
“Why thank you.” He grins. “Anyway, what’s with the rucksack, G.I Jane?”
“Went to Burnsall to get some milk.”
“Awesome.”
“Why are you following me anyway?”
“Breakfast. I’ve got a packet of bagels and a use by date that’s looming.”
“Then freeze them,” I deadpan.
“You can freeze them? Well, shit.” He taps the passenger seat. “So, what do you say?”
“About what?”
“Oh, come on. They’re our favourite, and I thought why not share them with my girl, Edie.”
His smile has always had the ability to send triggers to places in my body that shouldn’t be reactive to him, but it’s like everything inside me is disconnected, fighting with each other instead of working as one to try and help me get over him. When he refers to me as his girl, though, everything I feel inside multiplies, and I can’t think straight.
“I’m not hungry. Therefore, I’m not getting in.” I push off the car and turn back towards the road to start jogging.
“You do realise I’m just going to follow you and toot my car horn until you agree to eat with me?”
“Like to see you try. Toodle-oo, shithead.” I wave him off, knowing he never backs out on his threats, and before I know it, the sound of his horn fills the air once again.
Toot. Toot.
“Edie. Get in the car, woman.”
I give him the middle finger as he pulls up once again, travelling alongside me now at snail’s pace. “Come on. We haven’t had breakfast together in ages.”
Toot. Toot. Toot.
“Please. Don’t leave a widower to eat alone.”
I shoot him a glare but continue jogging. The more he shouts his requests at me, the more I’m starting to cave as the fire inside of me turns to that delirious feeling I always get when around him—the same feeling that means if he were to ask me to run away with him, I wouldn’t think twice.
“Say yes.”
Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toooot.
“Alright! Alright! Jesus!” I yell, trying to hide my grin. I open the car door and get in, slamming it for effect before looking at him. His shit- eating grin is priceless and it only makes my laughter spill out more. “You are such a twat.”
“I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist me.” He places his hand over my knee and squeezes, opening the lid to the butterflies in my stomach so they cover me from head to toe as his skin makes contact with mine. If only he knew how hard I’ve been trying to resist him all this time.
Pushing my feelings aside, I joke with him some more. “Oh, I’ve tried believe me. But like a boomerang, you keep coming back.”
“Ouch. That hurt.” He grips his chest dramatically.
“Tell me about it. You’ve been a pain in my arse since school.”
“If all I’m going to get is sarcasm then I’m tempted to drive you to the Penyghent and leave you there while I eat the bagels myself.”
I shrug. “But you love my sarcasm.”
He grins.
I know he does because it was that that bonded us together as friends.
He holds my gaze, his hand still on my knee, and my body burns.
“Yeah, I do.”
Clearing my throat, I nod towards the road ahead. “ Well come on then. We best head to yours if you want to feed me.”
“Oh, we aren’t going to mine. I’ve brought the bagels with me. I was heading to yours anyway.”
“Why?”
He nods to my rucksack. “Because you’ve got the milk. I’m all out at my place.”
I roll my eyes. “Unbelievable.”
That shit-eating grin is back, and before he says anything more, he puts his foot down and heads towards mine.
It hasn’t always been like this. My feelings for him had been locked in that secure box that never needed to be opened, but after my split with Leon, it was as if the box had been tampered with and, little by little, those feelings have started to trickle out, catching me off guard when he’s close and consuming me when he touches me. It’s damaging my heart more because I know anything other than platonic will never be.
We pull up outside the little cottage I share with Daisy and head inside, leaving Joel to unpack my rucksack while I quickly freshen up.
When I head back downstairs, he is making tea so I set about toasting the bagels. Joel is more of a coffee drinker, but we both love a good cup of Yorkshire tea first thing on a morning.
“How’re the designs going for Miss Moneypenny?”
“I’ve drawn up two so far, but I’m not sure I like them so I’ve pushed them to the side and have been working on other clients.” He sighs.
I can tell the weight of Rebecca Anderson is on his shoulders.
“There just seems to be something missing when it comes to her designs and I don’t know what.”
He’s used to working under pressure, he’s used to getting knock backs, but at times, everything seems to get too much for him and I witness it in his eyes—just like I’m witnessing it now. His chocolate hues are tired and troubled, and I question if work is really the issue or if he’s secretly struggling and just doesn’t wish to burden anyone.
“Well, I’m happy to look them over, too. Give you a second opinion if you want?”
“Yeah?”
“Sure. I mean, I might not be much help, but it’s a fresh pair of eyes. And you never know, I might spot something you haven’t.”
“You are too good to me.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” I smile.
After the bagels pop up from the toaster, I spread butter over them all, the way we both like them, and lick the butter from my fingers before wiping them on my shorts. I place them on a large dinner plate for us to share.
Turning, I find his eyes are already on me as he leans against the counter.
“Brunch is served.”
“Why thank you, your majesty, and sticky fingers, too. I’m honoured.”
“Less of your cheek. I slaved over a hot toaster for you.”
He chuckles, collecting the mugs of tea and following me into the living room, one of my favourite rooms in the cottage. The floor to ceiling light-stone fireplace is the main feature. Wooden beams run along the ceiling, spotlights and light grey and ivory furniture finishing it off. Daisy and I have spent many a night in here drinking whiskey or wine, putting the world to rights. It’s our very own ladies’ pad, and I love sharing my space with her.
“So, what are we doing today?” Joel asks, placing our mugs on the coffee table in front of us before taking a seat beside me on the sofa, the plate of bagels between us.
“ We aren’t doing anything. I am having a chilled day at home and maybe watching some TV. ”
He takes a bite of his bagel. “You hate daytime TV.”
“There’s always Netflix.”
“But you’ve watched everything on your list.”
“So?”
“Okay. You can now watch what’s on mine, with me.”
I take a bite of my food. “Somehow watching guys shoot shit and spin fast cars around is not my idea of fun.”
“Yet blood, guts and swords are?”
“Exactly. The parts where their throats are cut are the best.” I drag my finger over my throat for affect. I love anything medieval: Vikings, Kings, Saxons... You name it I’m there with a glass of wine and a bucket of popcorn.
“You are sick.”
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Or are you scared?”
He scoffs. “No.”
“Aww. Is my lil’ Fitz scared of a bit of blood and guts? Do you get nightmares?” I tease, leaning forward to prod him in the ribs, causing him to squirm.
“Fuck off.” He chuckles. “I just never got around to watching anything like that. Sophia was never interested in it. ”
My teasing suddenly stops at the mention of her name. I doubt it’s that she’d never been interested in it. It’s probably more the case that he was never allowed to watch it with or around her. Sex in the City or Desperate housewives had been more her thing—anything with women in heels and a Margarita in their hand. No one else’s choices had ever mattered. That had been if she’d even watched anything. Most times she’d have been working or spending time with Lorna.
Our silence is broken when a thud comes from above us, right before the floorboards creek and a female groan comes from the top of the stairs.
Daisy has woken. Daisy hates mornings.
Joel frowns. “Is that Daze?”
“Yes. I am very much awake and wish I fucking wasn’t,” she says, coming around the corner in her black and white bed shorts and vest top. Her pink kimono hangs off one shoulder, her short blonde bob like a bird’s nest, and her panda eyes are prominent from her smudged mascara. Even looking like she’s woken from the dead, I still envy the woman because she’s stunning.
“Oh, wow. Good morning, sunshine. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Joel chuckles. Her only response is a glare as she flops herself down in the armchair next to me. She’s a nurse in the Accident and Emergency department in Skipton Hospital and has just finished a run of night shifts. She’d always been the one to sort out our cuts and bruises as kids or to tell the boys how stupid they were when they’d got into fights for no reason.
“Why are you awake?” I ask, leaning forward to take a few mouthfuls of my tea before she takes it from me, her face scrunching up in distaste when she realises it’s not coffee.
“Because my eyes opened,” she states. “Plus, something smelt good.”
“It’s a new fragrance I bought,” Joel teases. “You’re welcome.”
“Food, arsehole. Food. Why are you here, Fitz, anyway?”
“Me and Edie are going to have a day of Netflix and chill.”
“Oh my god!” I laugh, hitting him. “We are so not.”
She looks between us both, a little confused in her half-asleep state. Meanwhile, Joel laughs like a schoolboy at the side of me. Brother-in-law or not, he’s never too far away with his inappropriate jokes.
“That’s not even funny,” Daisy adds.
I shake my head at Joel’s amusement and look at Daisy to clarify why we are here. “He had bagels that needed to be eaten before the used by date.”
“I just wanted to have breakfast with my bestie,” he adds.
“Aww. How sweet. Although, you do know you can freeze them, right?”
“Ha. Told you,” I say, looking back at Joel for him to hold his hands up. Joel can do many things, but food preparation and cooking are not his specialities.
“Jesus, I wish I’d never said anything now.” He tries to act annoyed, but the tug of his lips says otherwise. He goes to speak but Daisy continues her friendly attack on him.
“Have you ever noticed the text on food packaging? You know, the words on the bag? You find them on everything food related. You should read them. They tell you how to prepare and store the food and everything.”
“No shit.”
I decide to chip in with the teasing, knowing he sees the funny side to our banter because he gives as good as what he gets. “No. I don’t think he knows how to read. He rang me once to ask if chicken in a bag could really be cooked in the bag.”
“Right, that’s it. I’m calling Daniel. I feel a little outnumbered here with this personal attack.” Joel chuckles.
“You’ll get there one day, Joel. There’s no shame in being a slow man in the kitchen. You’ll learn.” Daisy winks, grinning.
“Cheeky fucker.”
“You need a little wifey to help you.” Like I’ve just swallowed blades, the words slice my throat and Daisy shoots me a look.
The blood drains from my face, my chest as tight as a vice.
Why did I say that? Why would I say that?
Uneasy silence around me makes me feel sick and panic starts to creep up my body.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, keeping my eyes on the coffee table as tears sting the back of my eyes. Needing to escape, I quickly grab the plates and the mugs and head into the kitchen, placing them in the sink. Stretching my arms out wide on the counter, I dip my head low between my shoulders and close my eyes, mortified by the bomb I’ve just dropped and the crater I’ve likely left in him.
“You’re supposed to be on my side, Edith! I’m your sister!”
“No, Sophia. I can’t keep doing this anymore! It’s not fair on me! ”
“You’re nothing but a selfish-fucking-bitch!”
“Go to hell!”
Flashbacks of our phone call that morning blind my eyes as a shiver runs my spine. I should never have answered the call. I should never have yelled back at her.
He’d had a woman in his life and it was my fault he didn’t—that phone call was the reason it had changed.
I suddenly don’t want to be here. I wish I was anywhere but right here. I wish I didn’t feel like I do. I wish this hole in my chest from the loss of her would heal faster because it's fucking unbearable.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
The last wish I’d made—to have Joel to myself—had come disastrously true.
My words just now had been a simple, innocent slip of the tongue. I’d never intentionally say anything to hurt him.
I feel his presence before he’s even close, and it only makes my heart race more. I am strong, I’ve had to be for some time but there are times when everything just becomes too heavy to carry and my emotions take over more than I’d like.
“Edie.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t have said that. ”
His large hand covers the small of my back and my heart skips with his touch.
“Look at me.”
I turn, tears now in my eyes. “I never meant to… I didn’t mean to—”
“I know you didn’t. It’s okay,” he murmurs. His eyes are clouded with hurt, and I don’t know if it’s because of my words or because of the tear that slips down my cheek. He’s never liked seeing me cry.
“I just forgot. For a split second, I just forgot.”
“Stop. It’s okay. We were all playing around.”
“You’re not mad?” I whisper.
Cupping my jaw, he wipes away my stray tear and smiles. It doesn’t meet his eyes, but his words hit my heart. “I could never be mad with you. You’re my Edie.”
Kissing the top of my head, he wraps his arms around me, holding on to me tightly as I cuddle into him.
His words are true, though: I don’t think there has ever been a time when he’s got mad with me. We banter, we talk but he’s never been mad with me, and if ever there are times when I need to let off steam and he’s been the one in the firing line, he’s just let me yell, right before wrapping his arms around me. Because I break .
It’s always been that way, and even more so since Sophia died.
I’d been hurting and confused, riddled with silent guilt. In the depths of my grief, I’d wanted my dad to hold me—to comfort his daughter and help my heart as it was so broken—but he never had.
Lorna had him, which I understand but it also hurt.
There had hardly been a phone call or visit to ask how I was doing.
What had hurt more than ever was that I hadn’t had Leon to hold me up either as he’d crushed me just as hard.
The time I’d truly broken down, Joel had been my lifeline.
It hadn’t been long after Leon left, and after the shock, realisation had soaked in, highlighting what a train wreck my life was. My heart had been obliterated.
I'd walked around with my eyes open, but I hadn’t truly been there—I’d been empty and broken. So, I’d curled up on the sofa and that’s where I’d stayed.
After what had felt like days and after hearing voices of concern from my friends, Joel had scooped me up in his arms, tears in his eyes, and held me for as long as I’d needed. And I’d cracked. Completely fucking shattered .
I’ve never told him what really happened with Leon, nor does he know of my last phone call to Sophia. I’d made Daisy promise not to tell him either because he hadn’t needed my troubles on top of his own.
But he’d been the safety net I’d needed—my armour of protection. He’d given me the time, so that’s where I’d stayed.
“You okay now?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, not wanting to let him go.
“Good. So now we’ve cleared that up, are we going to Netflix and chill or what?”
I laugh at his joke, tapping him on his back before I finally pull out of his embrace, thankful that the last ten minutes has now been forgotten.
This is why I need him in my life.
This is why I love him.
“No, we are not. You can stay the hell away from me.”