Chapter 15
Oscar
Imiss you.
Those three words burn a hole in my heart, and not because I miss her.
I mean, I do. But not her. I miss the version of her I thought I knew.
The version of her that I thought I was in love with, the version I thought I was going to marry.
I miss Tatum. Tatum sitting with me cuddling on the couch watching old movies, laughing while she incorrectly quoted every single one.
I miss cooking dinner together while drinking a bottle of wine.
I fucking miss the version of me I was when I was with her.
I’m not just mourning the loss of her. I’m mourning the loss of who I was. The happy, playful, attentive version of me. Now, I look in the mirror, and I don’t even recognize myself. I’m a fucking dark shadow lurking in the deep corners of my own soul. Prisoner to what she’s done to me.
“What the fuck is your problem today?” Jax asks as we walk off the field after rehearsal, and I’m not surprised, from his vantage point I was an ass today, but I’m not ready to let my guard completely down.
“What?” I know what, but I ask anyway.
“You’re so hot and cold with Mare.” He’s out of breath from dancing, but he’s making a point to call me out on my shit anyways.
“She drives me crazy.” Man is that the fucking truth, just not the way he thinks.
“Well, you better figure it out, because the crowd loves everything that she’s doing. Ratings are up from when that fucking twatwaffle was here, so Mare isn’t going anywhere.”
“Stop fucking calling her that, like you two are buddies.” I grit my teeth regretting the words as they come out.
“Mare?” he asks. “You sound like a jealous prick.” He shakes his head and walks away refusing to entertain my tantrum anymore.
I walk up to the nosebleeds and sit in one of the stadium chairs and watch her working with Gavin, trying to sort out my shit. I am a jealous prick.
My mood instantly shifts when I sit in the stands and I chuckle at the sight, because Gavin is committed to his character.
From the moment he steps into the stadium to the moment he leaves, he’s dressed as Orbit.
He rehearses as Orbit, interacts with players on social media as Orbit.
Shit, he even has his own page, making content all day long.
I asked him once why he wears that all day.
Walking around in an astronaut suit with an oversized head can’t be comfortable.
“The grounds are open to fans all day long, and the kids love Orbit. I’m not lifting the veil for them.
Orbit’s magical, and I don’t want to ruin that.
” He’s right, this entire experience is magical for kids, and I need to get back to bringing the magic myself.
He also said it’s easier to do the dances in the suit during the game if he learns it while carrying the extra weight, but watching him dance around in it when no one is around is hilarious.
I’m caught up in the moment, just taking time to recenter myself in what I love most about this job, when my attention is stolen by Maren dancing. She’s swaying her hips to the music as “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman blares through the speakers.
She is showing Gavin a few poses to hit in time with the music and as she does, she over accentuates her hips. Probably to show him how big his movements need to be in his suit, but fuck, she’s adorable. I can see her passion for dance from way up here.
I bite down on my knuckles and become entranced as I trace every motion with my eyes. Her hips sway left and then right in bold rigid motions that almost look robotic as she places her hands over her head, out in front of her, and on her hips.
“Dad, look, it’s Orbit!” a little girl in an Astronaut costume yells as she jumps up and down pointing towards the field.
She watches his attempt to follow the steps Mare is giving him, and starts mimicking them one by one until she catches Orbit’s attention and Mare motions for her to join them on the field.
The dad laughs and sits a few rows in front of me. We’re at the top of the stands, so it takes a bit for the little girl to make her way to the field.
“I’m not in your way, am I?” he asks as he pulls out his phone and starts recording.
“Not at all. I just like to come up here to get the best view of rehearsals. If you come up to the top row, you can film without the rest of the stands in your way,” I tell him.
He moves to the seat next to me, “I don’t want to interrupt your quiet time,” he says looking at me, and that’s when he realizes who I am. “Shit, you’re Oscar Rodriguez.”
I laugh, “Sure am.”
“My daughter is going to regret going down on the field when she realizes she missed the opportunity to meet you.” He looks down at his daughter with adoring eyes.
“No need to be disappointed. I had no intention of leaving until this rehearsal was over, anyways. I’ll wait until she comes back so she can get a few pictures and my signature.”
“That would be awesome,” he says, barely taking his eyes off his little girl who is dancing away with Maren and Orbit.
We sit silently side by side for the next 20 minutes, both watching the field with a sharp focus before the little girl comes back up to join us.
“Dad, did you see me down there! I….” She takes a sharp breath and freezes for a second when she spots me. “Dad, do you know who you’re sitting next to…? That’s Oscar,” she whispers to her dad.
He laughs, “He’s been watching you dance with Orbit up here with me this entire time. He couldn’t wait to meet you, Gabs.”
The smile she gives me is so big and so bright, it instantly reminds me of what I’ve been searching for… How do I make this job I love so much my happy place again after it completely fell apart?
“You wanna come sit next to me while the outfield practices?” I point to the players taking the field now that Maren and Gavin have walked off.
“Really?” she asks.
“Really. I’ll even sign your costume if you want.”
“Yes! You are my favorite player.”
“Well you are my new favorite fan,” I tell her as I take the Sharpie from her dad.
“Who was your favorite fan before me?”
“There was a grandfather here with his grandson last year, and he used to play baseball when he was younger. I got to sit with him and his grandson kind of like we are today. He saw me do something weird while I was throwing to home that stuck with me for the rest of the game, and when we were chatting he gave me a small tip that corrected it immediately. I loved that he took the time to help me even though I was the professional.”
“He sounds nice.” She smiles.
“He is.”
“Do you still see him?” she asks.
“Sometimes, he comes to a few games a year and always says hi.”
“Can I say hi to you when I come back?” Her eyes are so wide and full of wonder.
“You better, Gabs.” I smile back at her, feeling a renewed sense of energy that is now matching hers. “What’s Gabs short for?”
“Gabriella, but I like Gabby or Gabs.” I like how matter of fact she is.
“Well, Gabs, when you come to the game tonight, I want you and your dad to tell the asteroids at the gate to call Ozzie. I’ll get you seats behind the dugout.”
“Really?” Now her smile is even bigger and brighter than it was a few seconds ago.
“Absolutely, we’re friends now, and friends get special seating.” I shake her dad’s hand and say goodbye. “I’ve gotta go get ready for warm ups.”
“Have a good warm up!” she yells after me.
“I will now. You made me excited to play tonight,” I tell her honestly, because this little girl changed my entire mood, and not just my mood for the day.
She changed my mood about the entire nature of my personal and professional life right now.
This is the reason I do this. Smiles like hers, and I’m so fucking grateful she was able to remind me of that.
For the first time I’m ready to move on in my new normal.
I walk down the stairs and open my phone to shoot off a text to Tatum.
Me: I thought I’d miss you too, but I don’t.