Chapter 30
Maren
The last month has been a whirlwind, and just as I get settled in this new job, I’m thrown a curve ball.
I read the email over and over again.
Ozzie and I have been in such a good place, and while we haven’t officially labeled what we are, we’ve fallen into this simple rhythm, we talk every day, sleep in one of our beds together every night, and miss each other when we are literally feet apart.
The biggest distance between us is the silence we slip into whenever we’re forced to stay unseen.
Are we made for actual space between us, where we’re diluted to phone calls and occasional weekend visits?
It’s 8 am. The apartment is silent, Sadie is already at work, and Oz is still asleep in my bed, but I’ve been dodging the emotional whiplash cascading through me as I avoid the inevitable shrapnel about to cascade through my dark apartment.
Pacing.
Sitting.
Pacing.
Holding coffee that’s run cold.
We’re not made for this.
“Mare, what’s wrong?” His words are coated with sleep as he walks up behind me and wraps me in his strong inked arms. I look down at where they wrap around me, but instead of quieting the noise like they usually do, they suffocate me, making it hard to breathe.
“Do you remember when I didn’t get this job?”
“Yeah…” He pauses like he’s going to say something else, but the words never come. The silence is deafening.
“I decided that it was time to start taking chances, so I sent my resume, audition tapes, and work samples everywhere. Disney had a choreographer position open for their in-park stage shows. There was this dance school in Toronto. So many different positions, I lost track of all of them.”
“Ok.” He looks so confused right now.
“Remember that exclusive with Sloan?”
“Mare.” He spins me around and places his hands on both sides of my face. “Why are you asking me about all of these random memories?”
“They saw it, and they emailed this morning. Someone on their staff saw it and remembered my name from the posting and they pushed my name to the top of the list. Ozzie, it’s the only job I’ve ever wanted.”
A deeper confusion settles in his eyes.
He’s going to make me say it.
“A director emailed me this morning, they want me to come be an ensemble dancer in The Lion King, and if that goes well, they want me to be the assistant choreographer in a production they have scheduled for next year.”
“You’re moving to New York?” The words seem to steal the breath right out of his lungs.
He knew what job I was talking about. We’ve had many conversations about our dream jobs—our ideal future.
He smiles at me like the world around us is perfect, but his eyes stay distant as he tries to hide the tremble in his voice.
“Yeah,” I smile back at him, but I can tell my own smile isn’t as bright as it should be. There is a war inside me. I’m both the happiest I’ve ever been, and aching at the same time—lost in what this could mean for us.
He clears his throat, “We should go celebrate. This is huge, Mare.”
We should. We should go celebrate, but neither of us moves.
“Ozzie—”
“No, Mare. You look at me.” He places his hands back on my face, forcing me to make eye contact, and it wasn’t until now that I realized he isn’t holding it like before.
He moved, creating distance between us. “I am so fucking proud of you, this is all you’ve ever wanted. Let’s go celebrate.” His voice cracks.
“Then why are you crying?” I wipe a single tear from his cheek.
“Because you’ve done it baby. You made your dreams come true.”
He’s lying.
“Don’t lie to me.” I pull out of his grip. “Your words say one thing, but your eyes are telling a different story. This won’t work if you can’t be honest.”
“I just need to process it, but that doesn’t make me any less excited for you.”
I watch him move a few more steps in the opposite direction, and when I move to close the space, he shifts a little farther away without actually moving.
“Why are you doing that?” I ask him, my voice sounding desperate and broken.
“I’m standing here waiting for you to go get ready so I can take you to celebrate.”
I tilt my head and glare at him.
“Why aren’t you more excited?” His words are harsh.
“What?” My mind can’t keep up with the change in his tone.
“This is supposed to be your dream come true, but you were pacing nervously when I came out here like something bad happened, and you don’t seem excited. Why?”
Because we’re both dancing around the truth… neither one of us thinks we can survive this.
“Because you’re pretending to be excited for me.”
He smiles, but it’s not a nice smile. “No, don’t you fucking dare try and make me to be this monster so it will be easier for you to leave. You were freaking out before I came out here. Just say whatever it is you have to say, Mare.”
I’ve seen him grumpy, disconnected, but never angry… not at me.
“You don’t think we’ll make it.” I make the accusation and I can’t take it back.
He runs his hand over the scruff on his face, and that damn smile is back, “No, Mare, you don’t think we’ll make it.
That’s why you were afraid to tell me. You were pacing around here playing out all the worst case scenarios.
In your mind, this was over the second you accepted the job.
” He comes in close and cages me between his arms pinning me to the wall, “You want to know why I’m sad, Mare?
Why you had to wipe a tear from my cheek? ”
I just stare at him, unable to speak.
“Because you’re stepping into the life you’ve always dreamed of, and my heart aches at the idea that I won’t be there to share all the little moments.
I’ll miss seeing the sparkle in your eye on your first day, the way your smile will light up the room.
I won’t get to rub your feet after a long day, make you dinner, wrap you in the kind of love you deserve.
You’re chasing the one thing that’s calling your soul, and I’m watching mine move away. ”
I take a deep, staggering breath, unsure of what to think. He loves me. I think that’s what he’s trying to say in an Ozzie way, and it fills my heart with so much joy and stings all the same.
“It’s only two years,” I mean the words as a reassurance that I’ll be back, but the way his jaw clinches and his watery eyes look through me, I can tell they landed more like a dagger.