Chapter 6
Chapter
Six
THEA
The sunlight filters through the blinds, spilling golden streaks across the hardwood floor.
I’ve been up for hours at this point, sitting cross-legged on the far side of the couch, away from our bedrooms. Despite the fact that Nathan and I haven’t seen much of each other, due to the fact that he has been blissfully busy at work, or whatever it is he does, I still prefer the moments of quiet I can get in the morning by myself.
There’s something about the stillness of dawn that feels safe, like a pause between yesterday’s regrets and today’s demands.
The worn book in my lap is one I’ve been meaning to finish for weeks, but the words have done nothing but blur as my mind hasn’t ceased wandering.
The coffee in my hand has gone cold, but at this point it feels more like an anchor than anything else.
The hum of the refrigerator and the occasional creak of the old pipes are the only sounds to accompany me and I cling to them like a lifeline.
I’m so exhausted, and not just from the lack of sleep. Keeping up this pretense of resentment against Nathan is hard when he’s so different, but equally familiar in many ways. He never tried to reach out. But he’s here now…He was also driving.
My mind wars back and forth with itself.
He reminds me too much of him. Of Miles.
The way they used to laugh until they were red in the face, their voices echoing through the house like a song that would never end.
But it did end, didn’t it? Far too soon.
I run my fingers over the chipped rim of the mug.
I know Nathan’s routine well enough by now to know that he will be up soon.
If I’m lucky, I can finish my coffee, maybe even sneak out for a walk before we have to acknowledge each other’s existence for the day.
Especially since it’s a weekend. It’s not that I hate him…
it’s just easier to pretend that he’s not here and that I’m not staying in his house.
The sound of a door creaking open makes my heart sink. Speak of the devil. I hear his footsteps down the hallway before he comes into view, his hair tousled and eyes
half-closed as he pulls a T-shirt on over the toned muscle of his torso.
God, no. Why am I even going there right now?
He is not the same and neither am I. I quickly avert my eyes and the muffled thud of a cupboard slamming echoes through the quiet house, pulling my attention back to the kitchen.
For the past five days, I’d memorized the rhythm of his movements—where he spent his mornings when he was home, the pattern of his footsteps as he paced back and forth, the sharp intake of his breath when he thought no one could hear.
Not that I’d been listening. But it was hard not to.
Again, something else I shouldn’t be paying attention to.
This wasn’t supposed to be so hard. Not when I was trying to take the easiest path to the realignment of my entire life.
Last night, I nearly let myself slip—just one conversation, one moment of shared air.
It would’ve been so easy to cross the line I’d carefully drawn between us; to pretend we could be something other than what we were.
But he made sure that we could be anything but, a long time ago.
The weight of the memories had stopped me.
The ghost of Miles’ laughter, the way Nathan had loved him like family.
The way I had loved Nathan, but in a different way, and one that was entirely too impossible at the time.
In a way I couldn’t afford to think about now.
Damn it. The sound of the fridge door opening jolts me from that particular train of thought.
Maybe if I stayed perfectly still he wouldn’t notice me.
“Morning.” It was the same every day and I should’ve known better. He was just as in-tune with my routine as I was his. His voice was soft, careful—like he was testing the waters. When I don’t respond, he pushes further. “Are you really going to keep doing this?”
I stand up and try to walk back to my room, anything to avoid having this conversation with him, but he steps in front of me.
Gritting my teeth, I look up at him. I can’t help but notice how much taller he is than me, almost by half a head at least. His strong jawline has several days’ worth of scruff growing that matches the color of his dirty blond hair.
But it’s those fucking blue orbs of his that have the fight leaving me. Just like they always used to.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My voice is steady but I swallow over the lump that had formed in my throat.
“Bullshit.” The word hits like a slap, sharp enough to make me flinch. “You’ve been avoiding me since the moment you got here. You barely say two words when we’re in the same room and if you do, they’re laced with venom. Hell, you didn’t even eat dinner last night, and I know you were hungry.”
My jaw clenches and I force myself to hold his gaze.
He wasn’t wrong. I’d paced my room for hours, stomach growling, debating whether or not to go down and join him.
I’d almost convinced myself it wouldn’t mean anything, but I don’t want anything else he has to offer me.
Staying here is enough. “I don’t owe you an explanation. ”
“No, you don’t.” He walks over to the island in the kitchen, leaning back against it as he crosses his arms and his ankles over one another.
“But if you’re going to keep acting like I’m some kind of ghost haunting this place, at least have the decency to tell me why.
Five days and we’re just pretending we don’t know each other?
You can’t even look at me without running away. ”
His gaze is sharp as it holds mine and damn it if I didn’t stomp toward him pointing an accusatory finger at him.
“You want to know why? Fine. You’re a reminder of everything I’ve been trying to forget.
Every time I look at you, I see him. I hear him.
And it’s like losing him all over again.
And then you just go and show up one day out of the fucking blue and act like nothing’s changed? Fuck that and fuck you, Nathan.”
His nostrils flare as his jaw clenches. “Everything’s changed. You think I don’t know that? But I’m not him.”
“No, but you’re close enough to make it hurt. You don’t understand—”
“I don’t understand?” His laugh is bitter as he steps toward me until our chests are touching, heaving in synchrony.
“You think it doesn’t hurt for me, too? He was my best friend.
My brother in everything but blood. And now I’m stuck here, trying to keep it together while you act like I’m the enemy. ”
“Because it’s easier!” The confession tears out of me before I can stop it and I can feel the tears burning in the corners of my eyes. “It’s easier to resent you than to admit I can’t handle this. On top of everything else, this is the one thing that has the power to send me over the edge.”
His shoulders sag, and for a moment, regret floods my senses. Of course I know he lost Miles, too…but he just…he just disappeared without any explanation. “You can hate me all you want. Just don’t pretend like you’re the only one who lost him.”
My throat tightens and I swallow hard, turning away before he can see the tears slip free. “I never asked to move in here.”
“You think I asked for this either?” he fires back.
I let out a sharp laugh, but it feels brittle, even to me. “You practically did. You knew I had nowhere else to go. Believe me, if I did, I wouldn’t be standing here. But I am and now I’m stuck in your house, with you.”
“I didn’t bring you here for me, Thea! I brought you here because you were drowning.”
I flinch, his words landing harder than they should have. He’s not wrong, and I hate that he knows it. “I didn’t need saving,” I snap, the bitterness laced with a tremor of doubt.
“Yes, you did,” he says quietly, a softer tone than he used moments ago. “I know that because I’ve needed it, too. I just didn’t realize it until I walked into your damn house the other day.”
“What does that even mean?” I demand, needing something to focus on besides the ache in my chest. “You walked into my house and suddenly decided, what? That we could both play savior to each other? Newsflash, it doesn’t work like that.”
He scrubs a hand down his face, his frustration evident, but there’s something raw in his expression that keeps me rooted in place.
“It means I saw you, Thea. Even when you were the last person I was expecting to see. I saw the way you were just…existing. Going through the motions like the walls were closing in. I may not know exactly what you’re going through or what’s happened to you, but I recognize that—because that’s exactly how I felt after Miles died.
It’s how I’ve felt almost every damn day since then.
You think I don’t know what it feels like to hit bottom?
So please, for the love of god and the memory of your brother, stop treating me like some intruder in my own damn home. ”
“That’s not what I’m doing—”
“Isn’t it?” He cuts in, his voice sharp.
“You avoid me, you barely speak to me unless you have to, and then when you do, it’s like you’re aiming for the kill.
If I remind you of him, fine. I can’t help that.
But don’t punish me for it. You don’t want to tell me whatever happened between you and that douchebag ex of yours?
Also fine. We don’t have to be friends, Thea.
I get that you don’t want that from me. But at least let me fucking help.
We’re here now, and even if we weren’t, we’re going to have to get used to each other’s company because Dylan’s your best friend and Fletcher is now mine. ”
Before I can say anything back, he shoves past me, his heavy footfalls sounding down the hallway as he goes back to his room.
I stand there, the sting of his words cutting through me like shards of glass.
The weight of everything he said presses on my chest, squeezing the air out of my lungs.
What does he know? What can he possibly understand?
He wants to be here for me now? Where was he after Miles died?
It makes me want to tear my hair out. But the way he said it—so raw, so real—keeps me rooted in place.
He doesn’t get it. He couldn’t get it. My knees nearly buckle and I have to walk back to the couch to steady myself.
My thoughts are a mess, tangled up in Hallie, in Lucas, and now Nathan.
I want to throw it all out. Trying to distract myself, I open up my phone and notice I have several missed notifications.
Most of them are from my mom, checking in on me and asking me to come home.
There’s nothing from Lucas, not that I expected anything after I had him served with divorce papers earlier this week.
It made me feel a little better knowing I had the one-up on him in something.
He didn’t even try to hide the affair, not that there would’ve been a point after I found evidence of it on his phone and was able to send it to myself.
The quicker we could go through with ending this, the better.
I wouldn’t even try to fight with him on anything if it meant getting away from him and my previous life as fast as possible.
Not that there was much to split anyway seeing as the house was on base, unowned, and we don’t have any children… anymore.
The only other notification I have is from Dylan, reminding me of our plans to go out tonight.
I don’t know why I agreed to them. Maybe it’s her strength after everything she went through that encourages me.
Which is exactly why I couldn’t say no. She’s also one of the few people who knows how to pull me out of my head.
Or maybe I’m just tired of being alone with my thoughts, tired of letting everything that’s falling apart consume me.
I’m crossing my fingers it’s only she and I, but I also know better than that…
which could only mean one thing. Nathan is also going to be there.
I’ll be ready. What time do you want to meet?
My phone pings back almost immediately.
How about eight? Fletcher and I will pick you and Nathan up.
Called it. I lean back against the couch, staring at the empty room around me.
How awkward is that going to be if he and I can’t even talk without grating against each other like sandpaper?
Instead of trailing that train of thought, I get up and go back to my room.
When I enter, I survey what I’ve gradually transitioned into my home away from home—I didn’t change anything on the bedding besides adding one of my favorite blankets, and I’ve stacked my books on the desk and along the floor by the lounge chair.
Hallie’s urn sits in the center of the desk, and I’ve unpacked most of my clothes into the closet.
There are a few boxes I’ve left unpacked, mostly things of Hallie’s that we never got to use, but I couldn’t bring myself to send them to storage either.
I throw myself onto my bed, opening up my laptop where it sits half charged on the edge.
I want to go out. I wish that Lucas and I would have invested in a second vehicle, but living where we did…
and how often he was gone, we never had the need for one.
Usually one of us would get by using the one, or using taxi services if either of us had separate places to be the same day.
We tried to reduce our debt as much as possible.
Both of our names are on the one I left there though, so maybe I can bargain for that in the divorce.
I don’t want anything from him, but it would be practical and easier getting a vehicle that is already paid off, especially without significant work history or a job in general at the moment.
I could ask to borrow Dylan or Fletcher’s, but they’ve already done so much for me, it would feel like I’m putting them out even further.
Sighing, I scroll, hoping to find something to distract me. I could watch something I guess, but it would probably better serve me to do some job searching. I’ve wallowed all week and the sooner I can get out of this house, the sooner Nathan and I can go back to the way things were…mostly.