Chapter 9
Chapter
Nine
THEA
It oddly feels…good, to talk about everything with Nathan.
It isn’t like I haven’t given Dylan the rundown, but it’s different with Nathan.
With Dylan being my best friend, it’s always felt like she has an unspoken obligation to agree with me, to be on my side no matter what.
And she does—she always does—but with Nathan, he doesn’t have that obligation.
Hell, after not seeing each other in years, and with our complicated past, my conflicted feelings toward him, it’s anything but an obligation.
It doesn’t feel like he’s agreeing with me out of pity, even though I’m pretty sure he’d agree to anything I have to offer him at this point.
He’s making an effort, which is more than he did in the past. But still, the weight of his kindness feels heavier than the bitterness I’ve grown used to.
It’s easier that way because it doesn’t demand vulnerability or trust.
Stepping back, I wrap my arms around myself as if I can hold all the fragmented pieces of myself together as we stare at each other.
He doesn’t press me any further and offers the one thing most don’t.
Silence. Everyone else—my parents, Dylan—they all try to fill the nothingness with words that they think help, but don’t because it’s actually more awkward for them to sit with my agony, than it is for myself.
This actually makes me want to open up more, because there isn’t any pressure to pretend.
“Do you ever wonder if some people just aren’t meant to be happy?
” I let the words flow out of my mouth as my eyes drift from his to the window.
For some reason, I’m scared of whatever I might find in his, but I still feel them on me as he responds.
“I think that happiness is something we have control over, even when it feels like we don’t. Even when it feels impossible.”
Sighing, I return my gaze to his. “That didn’t answer my question.”
He tilts his head slightly, a frown creasing his brow. “Do you really think some people are destined for misery? That no matter what they might do, they’re just stuck in it?”
“That’s not an answer either, if you’re dodging the question by asking one,” I scoff.
He walks over to the couch, sitting down with a rough breath, and I can’t help but admire the way his muscles flex with every step.
How, even when sitting down, the muscles lining his torso seem to ripple.
I try not to stare, but my eyes follow the gentle movement of his muscles until they land on a tattoo that’s partially hidden on his ribcage.
How did I not notice that earlier? “Did you hear me?” he asks, looking over his shoulder where I’m still standing in the same spot.
“I-I’m sorry. What did you say?” My face burns, hoping he didn’t notice my perusal of his body.
A corner of his mouth tilts up slightly as though he did notice. “I asked you if you really wanted me to answer the question? Because I don’t think you do.”
Glaring, I walk around to the other end of the couch and sit, tucking my legs up underneath me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means,” he says calmly, “you’re not asking because you actually want an answer. You just want me to agree with you. You’re asking because you already think you know it. It won’t matter what I say because you won’t believe it.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I try to suppress the sting of his words.
Is he right? Do I just want him to agree with me?
“I just think that sometimes it feels like no matter how much I try to find it, happiness always slips through my fingers. I thought I had found it when Lucas and I got married. Then when we found out we were pregnant with Hallie. And now I have neither of those things.”
Quiet fills the air between us as his eyes settle on me with a certain softness that wasn’t there a minute ago.
“I also don’t think that happiness is something that you find.
I think if you go looking for it, it’s bound to evade you.
Instead, as I mentioned earlier, it’s something that we control.
Something we’re meant to build rather than have our life spell out for us. ”
“But if it were that simple, don’t you think everyone would be happy?”
He runs a hand through his hair, a curl falling over his brow, and there’s something in the way that he does it that causes heat to pool low in my stomach.
“Nobody is happy all of the time. But it doesn’t mean you give up, either.
I’m pretty sure I saw a quote somewhere once that said, Nothing worth having comes easy.
We have to fight for the moments when we do feel something. ”
Nothing worth having comes easy…Oh my god.
That used to be on the wall in my room. He still remembers that?
My heart skips a beat as I stare at him.
Exactly how much attention he had paid to the details in my life when I thought he was only there for Miles.
“You really remember that?” I finally ask, my voice barely a whisper.
He shrugs, playing nonchalant. “How could I forget? It meant enough to you that you put it on your wall like a mantra. And you meant something to me. Mean something to me, even if you don’t believe it.”
The words hit me hard, causing me to collapse further into the cushion as though his words were a physical blow.
I want to say something but I can’t get words to produce, so instead I just stare at him incredulously.
But suddenly, a ring from down the hallway sounds, cutting the tension between us.
He lets out a sound that’s between a sigh and a growl as he gets up and trudges down the hall without another word, leaving me to stew in whatever just transpired between us.
I’d been rearranging my room, trying to find calm in the chaos that seemed to be the only thing my teenage self could focus on.
Nathan leaned against the doorway, his arms crossed, watching me with this mix of amusement and curiosity.
The smirk that filed across his face as he took in the words above the headboard of my bed always had a way of causing butterflies to float about my stomach.
I had just turned sixteen the day before, and was given the decal as a gift from my grandparents.
At first I had been frustrated that I didn’t get something all other teenage girls get for their sweet sixteen, but then I realized how powerful that quote was in the same moment.
If I wanted those things I pined after, materialistic and all, then I’d have to work for them.
It spurred a sense of purpose in me from there on.
“That’s some intense shit for a teenage girl,” Nathan remarked, his voice low and eyes gleaming with that same unpredictable mix of affection and cynicism he only seemed to bring out with me.
“Yeah, well, I need something to keep me going,” I had said, not meeting his gaze.
My hands shook slightly as I adjusted a cabinet, but I wasn’t sure if it was from the weight of the quote or the way he was watching me.
Seven years separated us and I had a boyfriend anyway, so why did I like it?
“Don’t you have something better to do?”
He had chuckled, ignoring my quip as he responded, “Does it work?”
“Maybe.” I had shrugged. “Only time will tell.”
The tension had been so thick that day and I swear I had been so close to telling him to come in and close the door, but the level of trouble that would’ve gotten us both in would’ve obliterated everything either of us had worked for.
I had always had a crush on him, from the moment that he and Miles became friends, I just didn’t expect those feelings to still be lingering.
“I have to go.” His voice cuts through the silence causing me to jump.
I was so lost in my thoughts, in the past, that I didn’t hear him come back in.
He’s fully dressed now, but he isn’t wearing what I’ve seen him go to work in this past week.
I wonder where he’s going. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.
” And dammit, if he isn’t wearing the same expression he did all those years ago.
“I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be back for a while.
” For a moment I can’t tell if it’s an apology, an explanation, or just a statement of fact.
I nod, even though I find myself not wanting him to leave for the first time since I’ve been here. But I don’t have the words to stop him. Could he be going to visit a girlfriend?
There’s no hint of female presence in the house besides my own, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her own place.
Maybe she’s staying away to give me space.
But is she really okay with that? And how come he isn’t gone more often at night?
The questions run wild through my brain and I find myself feeling a twinge of…
no, that can’t be it. I rub my hands over my face, taking a deep breath, and deciding I should get ready for the day.