Chapter 26
Chapter
Twenty-Six
THEA
The past few days have gone by in blissful silence, but I wish I could say the same for our nerves as we’ve awaited the information I’m supposed to be privy to after the charity event.
We’ve done our best to distract ourselves from the wait, whether that’s through working, sleeping, or fucking.
Yet, when we’re not doing those things, the tension is palpable.
It doesn’t help that Claire is evidently sick of staying here and she hasn’t hesitated to voice it.
When we were having dinner last night she addressed the elephant in the room.
“If I’d wanted to hear the sounds of people having sex, I wouldn’t have bothered to escape. Can you two please try and make it not so obvious?”
Nathan had choked on his beer and my eyes had widened in mortification before guilt flooded my system.
Because of course that would be a trigger for her, and we’ve been selfish.
Before I had a chance to say anything else she continued, “It’s not that I’m not happy for you both, you’ve been tiptoeing around each other forever and that got old, but just try and remember there’s a third person living in this house.
I’m not above requesting different placement.
Maybe I’ll go stay with Dylan and Fletcher. ”
“Your luck would be even worse if you went over there,” Nathan pointed out, and I hated to have to agree with him.
And even though Claire had said she would request different placement, I could see in her eyes that she really didn’t want to.
Her hostility has waned with us and she’s gotten more comfortable, even making an effort with Dylan and Fletcher, who have also been beneficial in helping her cope.Hence the reason I’m outside of her door now, knocking. “Claire, can I come in?”
“What do you want?” she shouts, over the sound of her music playing in the background.
“To talk, please.”
I’m afraid she isn’t going to let me in as she doesn’t respond to me.
I know she can hear me, though. Just as I’m about to turn and walk away, her music shuts off and she opens the door, stepping to the side.
This is the only other time I’ve been in here since we found her curled up in the closet.
I stride across the room to the desk chair and take a seat, trying not to encroach on her personal space too much.
“What do you want to talk about?” She crosses her arms, standing in front of me.
I sigh, running my hand through my hair.
“Listen, we’ve both been here for a few weeks now and while I can tell you’ve gotten more comfortable, we still really haven’t had a chance to…
” To what? Bond? Gossip? “I guess I just wanted to apologize again, for the whole…sex thing. We should’ve been more aware and more respectful of how something like that might impact you.
I know you’re not a child and you’re not naive to what goes on behind closed doors, but we shouldn’t have been so…
careless with it. After everything you’ve been through it was selfish of us.
And I guess I just wanted to say that I really hope you choose to stay with us instead of trying to find somewhere else to stay.
We—I, have really enjoyed having you around. ”
Her posture relaxes slightly as she stares at me, before taking a seat at the edge of her bed. “How can you say that?”
“Say what?” I ask, confused.
“That you like being around me.” It isn’t ire I sense in her response, but astonishment instead. And it’s then that I realize on top of all of her other trauma, she’s never experienced what it’s like to truly be wanted, and my heart cracks.
“Claire…I don’t know you well. And I won’t push you to want the same with me.
But I do have an inkling of what it’s like when no one wants you around.
Between everything that happened before you were trafficked with your parents, and now, after you’ve come back changed from all the wrong reasons and feeling like your presence is a burden to be tolerated instead of welcomed.
I’m not saying any of this out of pity or to be presumptuous, but last night it sounded like you were looking for a reason to leave, and not just because of mine and Nathan’s relationship.
Although it was a worthy shot, it would’ve been convincing if I hadn’t seen the look in your eyes. ”
Her jaw clenches as she looks anywhere but at me.
“When I say I like having you around, it’s not just because the house is quieter with you in it.
Or that my mind is calmer having you here.
It’s also because I see the way you watch everything, how you listen even when you pretend to be distracted by other things.
I see the way you try to disappear without ever really leaving.
Like you are when you spend your days locked up in this room.
Someone who tries that hard to take up less space, has probably never been told they deserve to take up more.
I’m not trying to compare pain, because yours is yours and entirely valid.
But I see you because I’ve been you. Our stories are vastly different, but feeling alone is a universal emotion.
When my daughter was born, she was dead. ”
I inhale deeply before I work up the courage to continue as she flinches.
“And for the past six months I haven’t felt worthy of anything.
Everything that makes me who I am has made me feel like a failure.
Because she was healthy at every appointment until the moment it mattered most. I didn’t know what I did wrong, but I know that my body failed one of its most important jobs.
I tried to reason with myself, and sometimes it worked, but when my
ex-husband began to point the finger at me, things only got worse.
I would wake up day in and day out, feeling utterly alone because not only had my brain turned against me, but so did my other half.
It was so hard to be able to be in the same room with other moms or continue to receive emails related to motherhood that eventually, I started to believe that maybe I’d be better off dead.
Lucas didn’t want me around and my grief was so heavy that I could tell how uncomfortable it made other people.
Besides Dylan and my family, no one could quite figure out how to approach me.
“Long story short, something that Nathan has helped teach me, is you don’t have to make yourself smaller to make yourself fit, or make yourself disappear to be loved.
At the end of the day, your self-worth isn’t defined by what you’ve been through, but how you decide to let it shape you.
The world has already taken so much from you, and unfortunately it will keep taking, but don’t let it take what matters the most—you.
You matter, Claire. You take up space, and I’m glad you do. ”
Her brows furrow and she fidgets with her fingers. “I’m not used to people saying those things unless they want something in return…” she mutters.
“You don’t owe me anything, you haven’t.”
She dips her chin. “I haven’t had a room that’s felt like mine in a long time. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get used to living…somewhere not so haunted.”
“And now?”
“Now, I think I’d like to be able to try.
” She gives me the closest thing to a smile I’ve received from her personally.
I stand up, picking an invisible piece of lint from my shirt as I walk to her door.
“Thea?” she says, hesitantly, and I stop just before I reach the hallway, turning around.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m sorry you went through that. You would’ve been a good mother.”
And for the first time, it feels like we’ve taken a real step forward. I shut her door behind me and am met by Nathan’s overwhelming presence from where he stands at the other end of the hall, a grim expression on his face.
“What is it?”
“Dyer just contacted me; he’s been keeping a close eye on Harrison.
He wanted me to update you that you should be receiving a message shortly about the meet-up.
” In retrospect, we probably should’ve ensured that I had a burner phone when I went in, because now they have my actual cell phone contact.
When I broached the subject, Nathan said we’d get me a new one as soon as this was said and done.
Although it doesn’t do much to ease my peace of mind because a lot of information can be found out about a person through their mobile data, like their real name.
And yet, both he and Dyer reassured me that I sold the part well, giving Harrison little reason to look too far into me.
They told me he likes to think he’s the smartest person in the room and that if he’s going to figure something out about a person, he’d rather do it face to face. Another unsettling thought.
Just as I’m taking a seat on the couch, my phone vibrates and I open the message from the unknown contact:
The Block, Noir House. Friday midnight.
I have one more day of work this week and then a day and some to prepare for this, and I’ve never felt the further from ready.
Nathan hovers above me from behind the couch. “I’ll let Dyer know so he can make his way here to start making provisions. And I’ll make sure he brings a burner this time.”
“What difference would that make now? They’re going to know something is up if I suddenly switch numbers.” Nausea coils in my gut.
“Hey,” he says softly as he cups the bottom of my chin and tilts my head up to look at him.
“It’s going to work out. You’ll keep your normal phone on you until you get there and then we will have it shut down and wiped.
If this goes south or in any direction it’s not supposed to, they’d make you get rid of it anyway, or might use it to try and use something against you. You’ll have the burner as a backup.”
“But where would I keep it?”
He strokes my jawline with his thumb. “We’re going to send you in a light jacket with heavy enough material on the inside so that you can stow it in the lining. Your personal cell phone you’ll keep in your purse—that way they don’t have reason to look further.”
“And if they pat me down?”
When he doesn’t respond, I know that it’s up to me to make sure that I don’t. “I don’t feel very confident anymore, Nathan.”
“You’re one of the most confident people I know. But if you want to back out, say the word and I’ll pull the plug on the operation instantly.”
I breathe in slowly. “I won’t lie and pretend as if it hasn’t crossed my mind, but it’s important. It feels more important than my own feelings clouding my judgement.”
He hooks his fingers to the roof of my mouth and yanks my head further back until he’s right in my face. There isn’t anger in his face, but…adoration and conviction. “Nothing is more important than you, Thea. Nothing.”
When he releases me, he rounds the couch and sits down with me. “How can you say that?”
“Because I love you.”
The air is sucked out of the room with the weight of his words.
“Because I can’t find any scenario, a single part of my existence, or an alternate universe where I can live without you.”
My breath catches…
“Because you’re the axis my entire world spins on.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “And if something happens to me, if they make me disappear like they did Dylan—”
“I’ll find you. I’ll always find you. Where you go, I follow. But I’m telling you right now, sugar. Say the word and it ends.”
I’m not sure what compels me to continue what feels like an impossible mission we’ve set out on, but something in the way he addresses me so surely makes me feel like I can take on the world. “Make the call.” His jaw clenches before he nods and pulls out his own phone. “And, Nathan?”
“Yeah, baby?”
Swallowing back my nerves I cup his cheek in one of my hands. “I’ve loved you since I was a teenager. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out. I loved you then, and I love you now. More, if that’s possible.”
“Thank fuck.” And while I’m fairly sure those might be his favorite words to use, as crass as they might be, he doesn’t know how much they truly mean to me to hear.
Because what I hear when he says them isn’t just a curse, but a plea.
A level of desperation to them that expresses the sheer desire—the craving—for me.
Scars and all. He wants all of me, unapologetically, and won’t let me apologize for the complicated disaster that makes my psyche look like paradise compared to an apocalypse.
He leans further into my touch, placing his own hand over mine. “On another note…Claire and I seem to be taking a step in the right direction. Or maybe she’s taking forward steps in general.”
He smiles. “Is that what you two were up to?”
I nod. “It’ll take more time, as any good thing does, but I think we might actually get to see her healing in real time.”
His smile only grows. “Don’t.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“Bullshit, we both know exactly what you’re doing.”
Mirth dances in his eyes as I glower at him. “I mean…I hate to tell you I told you so…but I fear that I was right.”
I snatch my hand away from his face, forming a fist, as I hit him in his bicep and walk away. His chuckle is the only sound I hear as I walk down the hall and to my bedroom.