16
The second day’s panels are even more interesting, and I find myself listening more and typing less.
“Don’t worry,” I feel the need to reassure my professor when he looks at my blank computer screen. “Everything’s in here,” I point at my head, “I’ll summarize it all tonight.”
“I’m not worried at all,” he laughs. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”
After lunch I go to my room to freshen up and return to the ground floor. I enter the main lecture hall and look for him. He’s not waiting at the entrance and I can’t find him inside. I sit down confused and look around, wondering why there are only women sitting in the first few rows. I look at the program again and go pale. How didn’t I notice this? He’s about to give his lecture right now. I didn’t even ask if he needs help with the presentation or wish him luck. I’m so embarrassed. It looks like I’ve forgotten my main reason for being here. I’m supposed to help him, not be preoccupied with myself and my own ambitions and desires.
He gets on the stage and the hall is silent. He scans the hall and then smiles his self-conscious smile. Oh my God, he’s smiling right at me. All the women seated in the first few rows are looking towards the back and I am looking for a way out. There is none. It’s just me and my professor’s smile.
He clears his throat and the women’s malicious stares stop and focus on him instead. He is wearing a light blue button-down shirt and dark navy blue jeans, as if he is intentionally choosing not to wear the type of tailored clothes worn by the speakers before him. He shoves his hand in his pocket and starts explaining the new theory he is researching. He walks across the stage like a rock star, soaking up all the love and admiration of his audience. His words flow and suddenly everyone is looking at me again.
“Elena, stand up so that everyone can see you,” he motions with his hand for me to stand up and I turn pale. “Come on, don’t be shy,” he insists. I get up slowly, smoothing my blouse as I stand up straight. He smiles at me, but I can’t smile back. “All the researchers in this room know that we’d never meet our deadlines without our assistants,” he is still smiling directly at me, as if we are the only people in the lecture hall. “And I have an assistant who is passionate about our joint research.” I can’t believe that he used the word ‘passionate’. My legs start to tremble. “I’m certain that in a few years, she will be standing on this stage, so remember her name.” Now I feel as if I’m going to faint. “And give her a round of applause,” the audience does as he asks, and I crash back into my seat. I’ve never felt so proud and embarrassed at the same time.
He finishes his lecture and is surrounded by a group of women who all want one precious moment of his company. I make my way outside, escaping the commotion and go into the restroom. I wash my face in the sink and try to get my pulse under control. I can’t believe the experience I just had; my mind refuses to relax. Two women come in and look at me curiously. I realize that they must have been sitting in the hall during the professor’s lecture and I escape back outside.
“Where were you?” the professor asks with a smile while walking away from the group of female admirers surrounding him.
“I was in the restroom,” I stutter, trying to figure out how to thank him.
“Did I embarrass you?” he has a worried look on his face.
“Very much so,” I answer honestly and look around, hoping that there are no audience for this awkward conversation.
“I apologize,” he puts his hand over his heart. “Our conversation last night made a great impact on me,” he says seriously, “and I had to share the special feeling I got from you with the audience in the lecture hall. Maybe I shouldn’t have. I apologize.”
“No, you don’t have to apologize. I’m just not used to so much attention. It’s hard for me to deal with.”
“Me too,” he puts a fatherly arm around my shoulder and steers me to one of the panel rooms. “Let’s finish up today and get away from all of this attention together.”
My heart is racing again.
The last panel ends, and I am overwhelmed. Professional data mixed with the intimacy between me and the subject of my admiration.
“Shall we go for a walk on the beach?” he asks as we exit the room.
“I’d like that,” I answer and once again I feel that I’ve been sucked into a magical dream. He makes plans to meet me in the lobby and we each go to our separate rooms. I walk inside my room and lean against the door, exhausted. This is how it feels when dreams come true, I think so excited. I shower, sit down on my bed wrapped in a towel and text Johanna:
Me: I’m living in a sweet pink dream.
Johanna: Did you have any luck seducing him? ;-)
Me: Johanna! I didn’t try. But he wants to spend more time with me, this time a walk on the beach.
Johanna: Wow, I can’t believe you are there alone with him.
Me: Not exactly alone, but we will be soon. I’m afraid of what I might be starting to feel for him. It could ruin my professional future.
Johanna: Don’t talk nonsense. No one needs to know. And I can’t believe you did not tell me where you work.
What? All of my excitement vanishes, and my stomach clenches.
Johanna: It is the most wonderful place in the world.
Me: How do you know and what the hell were you doing there?
I want to vomit.
Johanna: I am still there, and I am not leaving anytime soon.
Oh my God. I am going to faint today for the first time in my life.
Me: Get out of there right now. It’s no place for you. I’ll tell you everything when I get back.
Johanna: If it is good enough for you then it is good enough for me. And Carly says not to wear a bra when you go for your walk tonight.
I feel sick as I look at the message and dial her number. No answer.
Me: Answer me!!!
Johanna: I must get back to work. Enjoy yourself, sweetie. And wear the black dress.
I dial again with trembling fingers, but she doesn’t answer. I try a few more times but my calls go straight to voicemail. I throw my cell phone on the floor in frustration and go back into the bathroom, washing my face again and again but my face and body refuse to calm down. I must go back home.