43
The cab stops outside a two-story building that looks like a regular house on a quiet and peaceful street. When I realized that Johanna wasn’t going to let go of her habit on her own, I researched the best facilities in the city. This is one of them. We get out of the cab and I ask the driver to wait for me.
“Where are we?” Johanna asks and yawns. “I think I fell asleep,” she giggles.
“We’re somewhere that will give you back control over your life.” I put my arm through hers and guide her towards the front door.
“I don’t want to be here!” she gasps as she realizes where I’ve brought her.
“Johanna, if you don’t walk in with me willingly, I’ll call your parents.” I say calmly and she looks at me in shock.
“You wouldn't dare do that,” she says, and I smile at her.
“Want to try me?”
She sniffs her nose and tightens her robe. “I will not forgive you for this,” she says dryly, and I rub my burning eyes and press the doorbell. Several minutes pass and an older woman opens the door and looks at us.
“Both of you?” she asks with a motherly smile.
“No,” I answer and take Johanna inside. The woman hands us some forms and Johanna answers my questions unwillingly as I fill them in. I return the forms as she watches me suspiciously.
“Are you sure you don’t want to join her?”
I shake my head, realizing she must be mistaken because of the way I dressed for tonight’s performance.
“Okay,” she shrugs and asks Johanna to join her.
“Elena, I will never forgive you for this.” Johanna smiles at me bitterly and I run outside. As soon as I get in the cab I burst into tears. “Where to now, ma’am?” the driver asks, glancing at me curiously in the rear-view mirror.
“The airport,” I answer, wiping my tears with my scarf. I don’t feel crazy anymore. I don’t feel hatred anymore. I just feel terribly empty.
I enter the airport and people look at me in disgust. A fair-haired child points at me and her mother pulls her in the other direction. I go inside one of the stores, buy an overpriced flowery dress and go to the restroom. I remove the black bridal dress and put the flowered one on instead. I manage to shove the black fabric into the trash can. It takes me sometime to wash the heavy makeup off my face. My hair springs strangely over my shoulders, but at least there’s no trace of the Duchess left. I look like a regular, harmless girl again.
After a long flight and a cab ride through the city, I finally fall down on a bed in a small motel in Los Angeles. Troubling thoughts have been in my head for hours, and my exhaustion is overwhelming. I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes. The emptiness is replaced by terrible stress. I can’t stop thinking about my traumatic parting from the man who used to be mine. My heart is in anguish, transmitting pain throughout my body. I don’t understand why, even now, after I managed to escape the black hole, my body yearns for comfort in the arms of the one who took me there. I curl up on my side as tears spill from my eyes and soak the pillow. My brain tries to comfort and encourage me, but my heart is fighting for its right to feel the agony. When I manage to repress thoughts of Liam’s touch, I keep seeing Johanna’s delicate image in my head. Her innocent smile at Giovanni, her need to please Tommy and her anger towards me when we parted. My heart shatters again. I whimper softly and finally fall asleep.
I open my eyes and stiffly move my body out of the position I’ve been sleeping in. All my limbs are sprained – my body feels hard as a rock. It’s four in the afternoon. I get out of bed, unwilling to surrender to my grief. I’ve come this far to regain control over my life. To reconnect to my true self, to what I wanted to accomplish in my life. I buy some scissors in a nearby convenience store, stand in front of the mirror and carefully cut my hair in a straight line above my shoulders. Now that that’s behind me too, I think wearily. I take my backpack and walk out of the motel in my high heels.
“Where to, ma’am?” the cab driver asks me.
“UCLA,” I reply, feeling a spark of excitement. But how will I find him on the huge campus? And if I do, will he be pleased to see me without any warning? I push my fears away. This time my brain is navigating, showing me the way, and I hope it won't let me down. It hasn’t let me down before.
The driver stops at the main entrance to the university, and I stand and stare at the buildings and lawns in front of me. I put my backpack on my shoulders and start walking, without any idea of where I’m going. I stop and talk to a student sitting on the grass, asking for directions and she gives me a general idea. Twenty minutes later I’m standing outside a large building. Students pass me by, going in and out.
“Excuse me,” I say to an energetic girl, making her way out. She stops and looks at her watch impatiently. “Do you know if Professor Sawyer is teaching here today?”
“Who?” she wrinkles her forehead.
“Never mind,” I sigh, and she shrugs and walks off.
“Wait a minute,” she calls out and walks back to me quickly. “Do you mean the new physics professor?”
“Yes!” I answer eagerly.
“Mmmm…” she looks at the building and thinks. “If I’m not mistaken, a friend of mine who’s a junior told me she has a class with him in about a half an hour.”
“Great,” I say enthusiastically. “Where is this class?”
“I’m not sure,” she starts walking away again. “Maybe in the big hall.”
“Which big hall?” I call after her, but she’s already gone into the building next door. I walk inside and try to stop a student who’s talking on his cellphone. He ignores me and I approach another student who’s sitting on the stairs.
“Do you know where the big hall is?” I ask.
He picks up his bag and nods. “I’m on my way there, too.” He starts climbing the stairs. “Are you another fan of the new professor?” he asks with a smile, and when I don’t answer he laughs, “I don’t think there are any other professors with full classes at this time of day.”
“Yeah, he’s something special,” I murmur and the student walks into the lecture hall. I look at dozens of male and female students sitting quietly in their seats. They’re all looking towards the stage, and they seem as excited as me. I manage to find an empty seat at the end of one of the rows. I sit down and put my backpack on the floor. There are ten minutes left until class begins and it feels like time has stopped. The students’ laptops are open, files and papers with formulas are scattered on the long tables in front of them and I just drum my fingers on the desk attached to my chair, watch the clock on the wall, and wait for the minutes to pass.
And then it happens, like a spell has been cast in the hall room. He reaches the podium in jeans and a white button-down shirt. His goatee is carefully trimmed, and he’s smiling bashfully. And it’s quiet. Silent. The emptiness and anxiety are replaced by contentment. I feel that I’m exactly where I need to be. I watch the man I admire place his briefcase on the chair and clear his throat.
For an hour and a half, I forget my heartbreak, my hurried escape, the exhaustion and the emptiness, and I focus on the impressive display of knowledge he shoots at us. The shining arrows burrow into my brain and expand it. The information he teaches is not new to me, I discovered it during the research tasks he gave me, but the opportunity to absorb it directly from him is thoroughly satisfying.
“I apologize. I didn’t notice we’re out of time,” he says with his bashful smile, and disappointed sighs echo throughout the hall. “But if anyone has a question, I’d be happy to answer.”
Nobody raises their hand, except for one girl who is sitting in the first row. “Go ahead,” he says to her sweetly and I imagine that she’s blushing from his attention right now.
She finishes asking her question and I see his smile evaporate. He looks stunned at such a basic question, and I shake my head, feeling embarrassed for her. He wrinkles his forehead and thinks how he should answer, but as he does, he glances at his audience in the room. I want to lower my head and disappear in the sea of faces around me but suddenly his eyes lock on me. His eyes widen in astonishment and a wide smile spreads across his face.
“Perhaps one of the students would like to answer your question,” he says, still staring at me. I shake my head in panic and he raises his arm and points at me. “You,” he says.
All the heads in the hall turn in my direction and I grow pale.
“Go on, don’t be shy,” he admonishes me, and I shake my head again, praying he’ll leave me alone. “Unless you need me to explain it to you too,” he flashes a small smile and raises an eyebrow. I shake my head and manage to smile back embarrassed.
“It’s really simple,” I say, and his smile grows wider. I answer in five short sentences and he tips his head to me and looks back at the girl.
“Do you understand now?” he asks and puts his hand in his pocket. She nods and he addresses the class. “You’re in your third year already,” he says in disappointment. “Come prepared to my classes, otherwise, don’t come at all.” I see the embarrassed faces around me, and I can’t understand how anyone could study this subject without wanting to challenge their brains as much as possible.
The students leave the lecture hall and I wait for him to politely finish answering each nervous female student who approaches him. When the last one leaves, I get up and descend the stairs towards the stage.
“I was afraid you left,” he says and comes down from the stage. “What are you doing here?” he asks as he stands in front of me. “Are you on vacation? Visiting family?”
“I came to you,” I say directly and put my backpack over my shoulder. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at me quietly. I chew on my lower lip nervously. “I’m sorry to drop in on you like this, I should have called. You must be busy—”
“Elena, don’t talk nonsense.” He cuts me off and places a hand on my shoulder. “This is the best thing that’s happened to me today.” He picks up his briefcase and opens the door for me. He notices my high heels and looks at them in surprise, but doesn’t say a word. We walk quietly along the campus's paths and suddenly he stops and turns towards me. “Can I take you out for dinner?”
“I’d like that,” I answer and place a hand on my stomach. “I haven’t eaten in…” I squint my eyes and try to think.
“We can go to a restaurant,” he says and resumes walking. “Or if you like, I could make us dinner in my new apartment. It’s right on the beach, we could eat on the balcony.”
“That sounds perfect,” I sigh, and he opens the car door for me. We cross the campus and drive out to the main road.
“I still can’t believe you’re here,” he says and glances in my direction. “You didn’t answer any of my emails.”
“I was too busy ruining my life,” I say and turn my head to look out the window.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” he asks with concern.
“Not right now,” I quickly wipe away a stray tear. “Right now, I have to learn how to regain control.”
He doesn’t ask any more questions, he turns on the radio. The music allows me to wallow in my thoughts, and a sharp pain slices my heart in two.
He stops at the entrance to a two-story house on the beach shore. I climb out of the car and walk over to the railing surrounding the house, looking at the blue sea and the sunset’s deep shades of orange.
“It’s so beautiful here,” I say when I notice him standing beside me.
“Especially with you here,” he says and smiles in embarrassment. “You cut your hair,” he changes the subject and I run my hand over my head.
“It will grow back.” I grimace as I remember the aggressive treatment I received from that perverted Italian. I see that he wants to ask more, but instead he tilts his head towards the door.
“Come, let’s go inside,” he says lightly. “Let’s make something good to eat.”
I follow him inside and inspect the spacious area. The living room is on the right and on the left is the kitchen, which has a connecting glass door to a balcony overlooking the ocean. In the middle there's a staircase leading to the upper floor. He goes to the kitchen and I join him. I sit on a bar chair by the island and watch him as he undoes the top buttons of his shirt and takes some ingredients out from the cupboards. “You can wait for me on the balcony,” he smiles and opens the glass door. “I think that if you watch me while I cook, I’ll get confused and we’ll end up with something inedible.”
“Okay,” I laugh, surprised at the easy way the laugh burst from my throat while my whole body is depressed and tormented.
I sit on the bench and look out at the ocean. This is exactly the time when Liam and I would arrive home, and have an hour of sweet sensations. I close my eyes and imagine him in the bedroom, lying on the bed, motioning me towards him, exploring my body with his soft, warm, demanding lips. I moan out loud and banish the thought. You saved yourself , my brain reminds me. You left the darkness and walked into the light. You’ll never go back there . One thought follows another, and I continue to push them away, one after the other.
Professor Sawyer comes out to the balcony with two trays and I rise to help him. I set the table with him and sit down as he opens a bottle of wine.
“I heard some strange rumors,” he says as he pours the wine. “About Johanna. And you.”
“It’s all true,” I reply resignedly. “I’m really not as perfect as you think.”
“Perfect is boring,” he responds with a small smile and places a juicy, well-spiced steak on my plate.
“For some reason, boredom is underrated,” I taste the steak and savor it pleasurably.
“How long are you here for?” he asks and looks at me intently.
“I don’t know.” I sip my wine. “I felt I had to escape. And if you’ll let me sit in on some of your classes, I might find my true passion again.” I take another sip. “My passion for knowledge has always been stronger than anything else, and all of a sudden I got lost.”
“Of course you can come to my classes.” He pours me some more wine. “Where are you staying?”
“At a motel in town,” I pick up the salad bowl and serve myself some vegetables.
“I have four empty rooms, you’re welcome to stay with me.”
“I don’t know…” I stutter and blush.
“Elena, that was a gentleman’s offer,” he says seriously. “I think you know that your presence excites me, but I'll never do anything that would make you uncomfortable.”
“I know that,” I smile at him in appreciation.
“Then it's settled.” He raises his glass in my direction. “When we finish eating, we’ll go and get your stuff from the motel.”
“I didn’t bring anything with me.” I avoid his gaze. “It was a spontaneous decision.”
“You really did run away,” for some reason he sounds amused. “I’m glad you chose to run to me.” He goes back to the kitchen and several minutes later he reemerges with two cups of coffee. “I have my dream job,” he says thoughtfully and looks out at the ocean. “I have a huge research budget, I’m invited to endless conferences, and quite a few women offer me to keep them company. But I still feel empty, like something is missing.” He looks back at me. “Can you understand that?”
“Yes. But the emptiness that I feel now is more like a blessing than a curse.”
We sit on the balcony for hours. He tells me about his slow progress in his research, the university’s support and the last conference he attended. Our conversation should have filled the empty space inside me with positive energy, but the pain is still too intense, and nothing can soothe it.
We clear the table, and after I wash the dishes, he dries them and puts everything away. We go upstairs together, and he shows me one of the guestrooms. The style is minimalistic and there is an adjoining bathroom. He puts a T-shirt and toiletries on the dresser, makes sure I have everything I need, and leaves the room.
I take a shower, fighting tears. I won’t allow myself to be sucked into my heartbreak now, I’ll handle it bravely and prove that nothing will stand in my way.
I lie down in bed and call my mother. She chats happily about her life, which has been calm since my last visit, and I tell her of my decision to go after Professor Sawyer. She doesn’t ask me about Liam or any other difficult questions, but I hear the relief in her voice. I say goodbye, promising to come and visit her soon, curl up into a fetal position and order my head to turn its thoughts off.