46
I say a hasty goodbye to my professor by the check-in counters at the airport. He suggests eating breakfast together, but I want to avoid another emotional and annoying conversation, so I refuse politely. I sense that it’s hard for him to say goodbye, and I wish I felt the same. He hugs me warmly and I tighten my arms around him, knowing that there’s a good chance I’ll be running back here again.
I force myself to study for my upcoming exams during the flight. I’m completely engrossed in the study material, and it’s only when we land that those strange pictures reappear in my mind.
An hour later, I’m sitting in the armchair in my old apartment. Everything is in its place, and apart from the dust that has accumulated on the furniture, it looks like we never left.
I have an hour left before Johanna’s discharge and I make good use of it by showering and changing clothes. We might even be able to make it to the tutoring sessions at the university. I know I don’t need them, but I need to devote the next few days to Johanna and help her catch up on all of her missed classes.
I look at myself in the mirror and smile bitterly. My jeans, tank-top and new shoulder-length haircut all make me look like a completely regular student. There’s no trace of the Duchess, and that should make me happy. So why does my heart hurt?
I go outside to wait for a cab and my eyes instinctively search for the blue Volvo. The war is over. I’m not a part of this game anymore. I must get used to that. I climb in the cab that pulls up in front of me. The feeling of emptiness is suddenly replaced by one of anticipation. I’m finally getting my roommate back. This time she won’t be a sniffing junkie anymore, but the sweet, good-hearted girl I’ve missed so much.
I pay the cab driver and walk towards the rehab center. My heart is pounding, and as I approach the entrance my breathing becomes heavy. I knock on the door and within seconds it opens and the older woman who met us on that terrible night is looking at me.
“I’m Elena. Do you remember me? We talked on the phone,” I say and peek behind her.
“You look different,” she looks at me intently. “I see that you’ve been to rehab as well.”
“Yes,” I laugh shortly. “I’ve been to rehab, but a different kind.” She’s still blocking the door.
“I’d like to come in and get Johanna,” my voice trembles with excitement and anticipation.
“She’s already being picked up,” she says, and I stare at her in horror. “Her parents are here,” she says with a smile, and I don’t know whether to feel relieved or sick.
“Can I see her?”
“I’ll check with them,” she shuts the door in my face, while I continue staring at it anxiously. My heart is burning. The door opens again and this time she invites me in. I sigh in relief and follow her. She points at an opaque glass door and I go inside. I see Johanna sitting opposite a man and a woman with fair hair and blue eyes. They're talking quietly in German. Johanna’s head hangs low and she is nodding.
“Johanna,” I say in a shaky voice and she raises her head and looks at me as if I’m her savior. She jumps out of her chair and runs to me, her slender arms encircling me. I hug her tightly, fighting those damn tears.
“Elena, these are my parents,” she pulls away from me reluctantly.
They stand up and shake my hand politely. “We've heard so much about you,” her mother says sadly as she looks me over. “You had a great impact on her, it's a pity you couldn't prevent her downfall.” I don’t know exactly what Johanna told them, and I look away in embarrassment.
“We have to go,” her father picks up a black suitcase. “We can't miss our flight.” I wait for their emotional goodbye, but instead Johanna approaches me and hugs me again.
“I don’t understand…” I say, shaking my head nervously. “You too?”
“I am leaving with them,” she says with a smile as her eyes fill with tears. “Just give me a minute,” she asks them, and although her father grumbles, they leave the room.
“You can’t leave,” I pout. “Exams start in two days. I’ll sit with you and help you catch up on everything you’ve missed.”
“Elena, they kicked me out.” She shrugs and tears roll down her cheeks. “I didn’t go to classes for a whole month. My advisor spoke to the head of the student exchange program and he contacted my parents. They had to hire a private investigator to find me here.” She giggles but then immediately bursts into tears. “I think they would have reacted better if they discovered that I’d been murdered in some dark alley.”
“Johanna,” I can’t control my tears. “Let’s talk to them. We can try to fix this. Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave me.”
“There is no way I can stay.” She dries her tears with the back of her hand. My father already arranged for me to continue my studies at the university in my hometown and the truth is…” she sighs. “The truth is that I am not strong enough to stay here in this city.”
My tears turn into loud sobbing, and she hugs me, whispering soothing words. “I have to go now,” she finally says and strokes my head.
“I won’t survive here without you,” I sob. “You’re the only good thing about this city.”
“Don’t be silly.” She grows serious and puts her arm through mine. “You're going to be a star in the world of physics. I have no doubt that I will read and study your research papers one day.”
“I kind of lost my passion,” I say in embarrassment. “I need to find it again.”
She walks towards the exit with me. “You should be happy that you have a man who loves you so much that he would do anything to support you.”
I look at her in disgust. “I left him. Don’t you remember?”
“I thought you were smarter than that,” she says, amazed. “Who gives up on such love?”
“I am smarter than that.” My voice grows hard. “That’s why I ran away from his black world.”
“It wasn’t black for you,” she insists, and I don’t understand why. “You're strong, unlike me. You didn't let that world suck you down to its dark depths, and you had a man that took care of you like a real duchess.” She winks at me playfully and I stare at her in confusion. What’s going on with her? I was sure she was rehabilitated….
“Johanna, what are you talking about? He knew I wanted to look after you, but he still let you go upstairs with that monster to the room without—”
“Elena,” she whispers, cuts me off and looks around. Her parents are motioning her to the cab. “That Italian really is a monster, but with girls he is a mouse at the most,” she giggles, “It took me ten minutes to get him hard and after I did, he was mainly concentrating on keeping it. My jaw drops and she giggles again. “All the girls who work at the bar know that. Liam knows it too. And Tommy. It's just a show. In their world the only thing that counts is the image you make for yourself. You should know that, Duchess.” She winks at me again.
“Johanna!” her father shouts angrily.
“Promise you won’t forget me when you reach the stars.” She bursts into tears and hugs me tightly.
“Sometimes they’re just black holes.” I laugh painfully and cry with her.