Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Dixon
“So, Dixon, where the hell have you been?”
Devo was the complete opposite of Bea. Although they were both outspoken, Devo shined a light on the awkwardness, and her question turned all heads in my brother’s backyard in my direction again.
My mama’s stare and her blatant need to know was the most intense.
“When Brand found me, I was in California near a little town called Mad River. After that, I wandered for a bit, but then I headed up to Alaska to work on my friend’s uncle’s fishin’ boat.
I stayed there almost two years, then I landed in Oregon.
Worked a farm for half a year or so and then for a guy in the Cascades.
He let me stay in a cabin he’s got up there. ”
“You’ve been busy,” Brand said.
“Alone?” Merv asked, her voice so full of pity, I could almost taste it.
“Yeah.”
“Were you lonely?” Athena asked.
Shrugging, I said, “Sometimes.”
“I like bein’ alone sometimes too,” Stu said as we all sat around the table and Bax turned to tend the burger patties he’d just dropped onto the grill.
“’Cause then I don’t have to share my toys.
” Climbing into Bea’s lap, he dipped a baby carrot into a puddle of ranch on her plate.
When he bit down on it, the snap was loud, and before he’d finished chewing, he shoved a short stack of sweet pickles into his mouth. “But don’t you have a friend?”
“I do, actually,” I said, shading my eyes from the sun’s glare peeking through some trees as it set in the west. “I have a friend in California, Ernesto, but everybody calls him Nesty. And I have a friend right here in Wisper, AJ, and I made a new friend in Oregon. His name’s Murdoch. He’s a moose.”
Stu snorted. He hopped down and skipped over to me, then crawled into my lap.
A kind of euphoria rushed around inside me, like a warm wind kicking up a dust devil.
It was the most natural thing in the world to hold my son, like I’d been doing it his whole life.
But I hadn’t been. Tears threatened, but I sucked in a big breath and held it as he wiggled to get comfortable and turned to look at me.
It felt like my family held its collective breath, too, every single one of them waiting to see how I’d react.
“Your best friend’s a moose?” Stu asked.
I nodded. I didn’t dare speak in case all kinds of confessions spilled out of my mouth.
“That’s weird. What did you do? How do you know he’s your friend? And how do you know his name is Murdoch? Did he tell you?”
“No, he didn’t tell me. I guessed while we took walks together,” I said carefully, judging my own words, but I had it under control. “Climbed to the top of the mountain and yelled out so we could hear the echo.”
“Mooses can’t yell.”
“No.” I smiled at his no-nonsense view of the world. “You’re right about that. He bellowed. I yelled. And I told him about you.”
Or maybe only slightly under control.
“Me? But you didn’t even know me.”
“I did. You’re part of my family, and I told him about my family and how much I loved y’all and missed you.”
“You missed me?”
Bax turned, spatula in hand, and watched my face as I decided how to answer my son.
Bea watched closely, too, but I didn’t blame them or hold any anger at their overprotectiveness because they were doing what I’d asked them to, both of them ready to jump in if I said anything or did anything that might hurt Stu.
“Yeah, I missed you, all of you, and I wondered what you were up to. If you were happy and got to play a lot and have fun. And I wondered if Granny made you her famous custard pie. If your mama tickled you and let you stay up late sometimes to watch a movie.”
Looking at Bea, a guilty smile grew on Stu’s face. “She does.”
And in that moment, I knew.
I knew I couldn’t tell him the truth, ’cause if I did, his whole world would crumble. His memories of Bea and Bax and Athena would change. What if he became angry like I had that no one ever told him the truth about his real daddy?
What if the truth led him to drugs?
Standing and gently removing his little arm he’d wrapped around my shoulder, I carried him back to Bea and set him in her lap while she stared up at me.
My skin lost its connection to his, and it felt like the fabric of my soul ripped free from my bones.
“I’ll, uh, I’ll be right back. I need to use the john.”
Bea nodded silently, and I turned and walked away as fast as I could, listening to my sister and mama calling my name and their worried voices fading behind me.
In the bathroom, I turned on the faucet, let the water run, and slid down the door.
What the fuck are you even doin’ here? You can’t do this. You don’t have shit to give your kid. You don’t know how to be a fuckin’ father. You’re stupid and worthless and—
Something shiny and brilliant caught my eye, and I focused on the empty toilet paper holder and forced myself to count to ten.
Someone had meant to put on a new roll but must’ve forgotten because it sat on the sink, still rolled tightly.
But that gleaming silver bar led my eyes around the bathroom until I realized that the whole thing had been renovated.
The scuffed and stained ceramic tub—the one Noah Lee had almost drowned me in because I’d come home with dirt on my face after playing all day when I was ten and it irritated him—had been replaced by a modern clawfoot, and all the fixtures were new too.
The showerhead up top looked like one of those fancy rainfall doodads, and even the toilet was new.
It had more buttons on it than my cell phone.
My phone.
I pulled it from my back pocket and clicked it on with my thumb. Stu’s and my family’s faces appeared, but I opened my contacts to avoid their happy smiles.
There was something shiny and new in my life, too, and right now I needed her.
Please come to my brother’s house
It only took AJ two minutes to text back. I counted.
What happened? What’s wrong?
I can’t do this, AJ. Not alone. Please.
Tweedledee
On my way