Chapter 28 #2
Kneeling in the dirt in front of him, I took the fishing pole out of his hand, laid both on the ground beside him, and set Bax’s tackle box next to them. “Stuart, I really need you tell me why you asked. It’s important.”
His voice came out a whisper, like he might be afraid that admitting the truth would get him into trouble. “I heard it.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I assured him. “And it’s okay for you to ask, but I really need to know where you heard it.”
“At school.”
“A kid at school told you I was your dad?”
He nodded, watching my face as if he expected answers to show on my skin.
The truth itched beneath it, desperate to be freed, but the promise I’d made to my brother couldn’t be rescinded.
If I broke it now, with everything bad that had happened flowing between Bax and me like a rabid river rushing down a mountain after a storm, he’d never forgive me.
He might have, if we had more time, maybe come around to forgiving me for all the shit I’d pulled in the past.
But if I told Stu the truth now, my brother would never accept another sorry from my mouth.
I looked at my son, at the faint freckles popping on his cheeks and the way the fine, sun-lightened baby hairs around his temples curled a little in the heat, and the decision seemed easier than breathing.
I couldn’t lie to him. Not to Stu. I would never forgive myself for that.
I cleared my throat. “And if I were, y’know, your… dad? How would you feel about that?”
He thought for a minute, and the contemplation in his eyes was so serious, but absolutely adorable. We might’ve looked like twins, but right then, Bax was written all over Stu’s face.
“Could I have two dads?” he asked, innocence radiating out of him like sunshine. “My daddy would be sad if he couldn’t be my daddy anymore, but I don’t want you to be sad either.”
“I would never take you away from your daddy, kid.” Resting my hands lightly over his shoulders, I promised, “Not ever. I swear it to you.”
Stuey nodded and reached up to hold onto my shoulders, too, huddling us together like conspirators.
“But I am your dad.”
The rush of endorphins when I said it, the release of the secret I thought I would carry to my grave, threatened to take me out.
My heart thudded behind my ribs painfully, and for a second, I worried all the shit I’d crammed into my body for so long had weakened it.
My hand twitched toward my phone in my pocket to call Bax, so I could admit to him that I was just as afraid as he was for Stu to know the truth.
I’d dragged Bax into my mess, and now, part of me wanted my big brother here to help me.
But no. This secret, this release of truth felt right. It needed to come from me, and I knew that if I confessed it to my son with anything less than total confidence and conviction, he would doubt it for the rest of his life.
He would doubt me.
“I was there the day you were born,” I said. “I was the first person to hold you. I was the guy who got to check to make sure you had ten fingers and ten toes. It’s a pretty important job.”
“Who’s my real mama?” he asked, his eyes roaming my face. They reflected the lake’s crystal waters and held more emotional intelligence than I’d ever had in my life, and I wondered if he’d been born with it, or if it was something he’d learned.
Sadness rushed to the forefront of my mind from the dark corners where it had set up permanent residence when I thought my friend’s name. “Her name was Kel. Kellie. She’s in Heaven. Do you know what that is?”
“Yeah. That’s where my pawpaw and my brother Duo are. Is she with them?”
“I suspect she is.”
“Good,” he said. “I’m glad she’s not alone.”
“Me too. But you’re not… mad that I didn’t tell you the truth?”
“No. I don’t think so, but Dad—”
Just hearing it come out of his mouth, hearing my son call me “Dad” knocked me on my ass, and I sat in the dirt, looking up at the little wonder in front of me, studying my reaction.
He stepped closer and crouched, then crawled into my lap.
I looked out at the lake, breathing in the scent of my son’s shampoo, watching as the water trapped the last of the sun’s rays beneath its smooth, sparkling surface before the mountain’s shade darkened everything and dragged us into the night.
The new inn sat off in the distance behind a brush of trees, the waning light glinting off its windows.
I hoped no one was watching while I tried to memorize how light Stu felt in my arms and the sweet way he smelled while I waited for him to finish his question.
“But Dad, where were you? Why weren’t you here when I was growin’ up? Is it because my real mama went to Heaven and you were sad?”
Squeezing my arms around him carefully, I let the warmth of his skin seep into mine. I had never really allowed myself to believe this moment was possible, and now that it was happening, I felt utterly unprepared, but so fucking thankful that I wasn’t sure I could contain it.
I didn’t know if I could be that strong.
When I could speak, I said quietly, “That’s part of it. But your mama and I were sick. Really sick, and neither one of us knew how to take care of you. That’s why I brought you to your daddy. I knew he could love you and make sure you didn’t get sick too.”
“Did you have the chicken pox?”
“No,” I answered, trying not to laugh, but it was just so perfect that he couldn’t yet imagine anything worse than chicken pox.
“Oh, ’cause Sydney at school had the chicken pox, and her mama wouldn’t let her play with anybody or come to school for a whole week! That’s bonkers.”
“No, luckily, we didn’t catch chicken pox, but we were sick with somethin’ else. It’s really serious and scary, and I didn’t want you to be around that. Besides, I had a lot I needed to learn before I could be your dad.”
He’d been playing with the cuff of my T-shirt and its frayed edge, but he looked up and trained his eyes on me, and suddenly, I felt all thirty-six of my years. Every single decision I’d ever made, or failed to make, hovered over my head like baseball-size hail ready to fall.
“I thought all dads are born knowin’ how to be good.”
“No, sometimes they aren’t so they have to learn.”
“Did you have to go to dad school?”
“Kind of but it’s not like your school. I didn’t have to go to a classroom.”
“Did you have a teacher?”
I thought about it. Yeah, I did have teachers. Many of them. Brenda and Brooks Coulter, Mo, even Nesty. Every person I’d ever met had taught me something important, something I would use in order to be a good dad to my son.
And AJ had helped me believe I could be.
“Yeah, I’ve had a lot of teachers. Some really good ones who taught me how to do good things, and some not-so-good ones who taught me what not to do. But do you know who my favorite teacher is?”
Stuey shook his head.
“You,” I said, smiling, because if he’d never been born, I wouldn’t have come home. I wouldn’t have fought so goddamn hard to deserve this precious life. And I wouldn’t be in this moment now, clearheaded and holding my son, loving him.
He giggled. “I’m not a teacher.”
“You are. You might not know it, but you taught me more than any other teacher I’ve ever had. It’s because of you that I didn’t go to Heaven with your mama, Kel. And it’s because of you that I’m happy and have love in my life.
“You taught me how to love.”
“I love you,” he whispered, reaching up to pat my cheek. “And I don’t care if you’re my uncle or my dad.”
Covering his hand with mine, I held it in place, hoping the stubble beneath wasn’t too scratchy as I fought hard to hold back tears.
“I love you too, kid, more than I’ll ever be able to explain.
I know you can’t understand it yet, but it’s why I stayed away.
And I know I probably don’t deserve it, but I hope someday you can forgive me, because your love is the most important thing in my life. ”
“But you have lots of people who love you,” he said. “Granny, Athena, my mama and daddy, Uncle Brand, and Aunt Abey. And your friend, Avery. She loves you too. Do you love her?”
“How do you know AJ loves me?”
He rolled his eyes dramatically, like it was old news. “She’s always smilin’ at ya, and she gets them googly eyes whenever you talk.”
“She does?”
“Yep. That’s a green flag.”
“A green— How do you know what a green flag is?”
“Sydney at school. When she came back after the chicken pox, she said she loves me. She said her mom told her she thinks I’m a cute little thing and that it’s a green flag that I come from a good family, and that my dad is hot.”
I snorted. I couldn’t help myself. “She thinks Bax is hot?”
“No, she thinks you are, but I don’t understand. It’s hot today, but the day she said that, it was a lot cooler.”
Laughing, I said, “It means Sydney’s mama thinks your dad is handsome, but she meant me? How’d she know who I was?”
He shrugged. “Lots of people talk about you.”
Oh, I bet they do.
“So just now, when you asked if I was your dad, you already knew?”
He nodded. “I’ve had my sup-pishons.”
“Suspicions.”
“That’s what I said.”
Thank fuck. My brother can’t kill me. It’s not my fault! For once in my life, somebody else gets the blame.
Although, that didn’t convince me at all that Bax still wouldn’t murder me and dump my body in this very lake.