CHAPTER 31
The apartment was too quiet the next morning. Mr. Choi was away on personal business, and Ji-Woo had gone out with Duri the night before. Noeul had expected to enjoy the silence. Instead, it settled heavily around him.
He found himself thinking about Duri more than he expected. Wanting his presence. Wanting his calm. He’d known him since childhood and had always found him attractive, but never like this.
Duri felt safe. Grounded.
But Chung-Hee still existed. His first love. The man who had kept him awake through countless nights, sometimes with longing, sometimes with pain.
The man who had abused him.
A notification buzzed on his phone.
I’ll be there in ten minutes. Let’s spend some time together.
Noeul stared at the message. Part of him wanted to call and scream at him, to let everything he had held inside finally spill out. Another part still hoped.
Maybe the cemetery had been the worst of it. Maybe Chung-Hee regretted going that far. Maybe he would apologize. Maybe, somehow, he would forgive him.
Before Noeul could question himself further, he was already getting dressed.
He chose one of his most expensive outfits: navy trousers, a beige short-sleeved shirt, and a loose beige-and-brown overshirt layered on top.
Four weeks after his second surgery, he could finally use his hands again, carefully.
He styled his hair, applied his perfume, then caught his reflection in the mirror. For a moment, he simply stared at himself.
Why am I doing this?
He had no answer.
Ten minutes later, Chung-Hee was waiting downstairs in his red sports car, different from the one he usually drove to and from work. The light blue shirt he wore accentuated his sun-tanned skin and gray eyes.
Noeul hated that he noticed. He hated even more that he needed a moment to take him in.
I must be insane.
After everything Chung-Hee had done, after everything Ji-Woo had said only the day before, he was still standing there admiring him.
There is no love between us.
He repeated the words once before opening the door.
Chung-Hee greeted him with a smile. Noeul returned it as best he could and climbed inside. For several seconds, neither spoke.
The memory of the cemetery came without warning: the cold stone beneath his body, Chung-Hee’s hands, his voice. Noeul’s fingers tightened around the edge of his seat.
“About that night…” Chung-Hee began.
“Nothing happened between me and Duri,” Noeul interrupted coldly. “I know I don’t deserve happiness yet.”
Chung-Hee’s smile disappeared. His hands tightened around the steering wheel.
“Indeed. Nothing has happened… so far.” He turned toward Noeul. “The real question is why.”
Noeul said nothing.
“Is it because you have no feelings for him?” Chung-Hee continued. “Or because this is another way of punishing yourself for your past actions?”
Noeul searched for an answer but couldn’t find one he trusted, so he remained silent. Seconds passed.
“Noeul.”
Still nothing.
Chung-Hee reached across and grabbed his hand.
“Answer me.”
Noeul stiffened. “Let go.”
Chung-Hee tightened his grip. “I asked you a question.”
“You’re hurting me.”
Noeul pulled against him, but Chung-Hee didn’t release him.
“Do you have feelings for him?”
“My personal life is none of your business!” He finally tore his hand free. “You don’t get to control me!”
Silence.
Noeul turned toward the window. His mind craved calm. Comfort. Something he wasn’t sure Chung-Hee could ever give him.
Maybe in another universe, where Haneul was still alive. But not this one.
There is no love between us.
There couldn’t be.
Beside him, Chung-Hee stared straight ahead. Noeul was drawn to another man. Not once had he said he felt anything for Chung-Hee. Not once had he acknowledged what existed between them.
Chung-Hee had never been good at accepting what he couldn’t have. Whatever people believed was beyond his reach, he took.
And Noeul was his. The thought should have shamed him. Instead, it steadied him. He recognized possession as the answer he always reached for when the fear of losing someone became unbearable. The cemetery had shown him what that answer cost. He chose it again.
“Look at me.”
Noeul didn’t.
“Hyung, I don’t want to fight.”
“Look at me.”
Noeul finally turned.
“Do you have feelings for him?”
“I already told you…”
Chung-Hee seized his wrist. Noeul flinched. Then Chung-Hee’s other hand closed around his throat and pulled him closer.
Fear settled deep in Noeul’s chest. Not the uncertainty he had felt before.
Recognition.
His body remembered what Chung-Hee was capable of before his mind could convince itself otherwise.
“He’s just a friend,” Noeul said quickly. “Now let go.”
Chung-Hee stared at him.
“You’re scaring me.”
Something shifted in Chung-Hee’s expression. His grip loosened, but his hand remained against Noeul’s neck.
“You cannot be with him,” he said quietly. “I won’t allow it.”
Noeul took a slow breath.
Ji-Woo’s words returned to him.
He decides who gets close to you.
He pushed Chung-Hee’s hand away.
“Duri is my childhood friend. One of the few people who never abandoned me. I want him in my life.” He held Chung-Hee’s gaze despite the fear still sitting heavily in his chest. “Do you understand, hyung?”
Chung-Hee remained silent.
“You may see him as just a childhood friend,” he said coldly, “but make no mistake: he has feelings for you.”
Noeul frowned.
“How can you be so na?ve? You fell asleep in his arms. Do you really think he held you all night out of pure friendship?”
“Yes.”
Chung-Hee went still for a beat.
“He was drunk.”
Chung-Hee gave a humorless laugh. “Of course. And I suppose he accidentally spent the entire night holding you too.”
Noeul rolled his eyes. “He’s known me since we were children. If Duri loved me, I would know.”
“Would you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t even understand your own feelings.”
Noeul opened his mouth, then stopped. That irritated him more than he wanted to admit.
Chung-Hee leaned slightly closer. “His feelings for you are obvious. And since you claimed ignorance…” His expression hardened. “You had to be punished.”
Noeul stared at him.
“You still think that?”
“I know it.”
“No.” Noeul shook his head. “That’s irrational.”
If Duri loved him, surely he would have realized it after all these years. Duri had always been kind to him, but never uneasy in his presence. He had never tried to kiss him. Never demanded his attention. Never made him afraid of saying no.
Noeul swallowed.
“First of all, he doesn’t love me,” he said firmly. “Second, I belong to myself.”
Chung-Hee’s expression changed.
“It’s my life, and I’m the one who decides who I spend my time with… and who I give my heart to.”
A faint, ironic smile touched Chung-Hee’s lips.
“Wrong.”
He leaned closer.
Noeul immediately tensed.
Chung-Hee stopped for the briefest moment. Then, instead of touching him, he brought his face close to Noeul’s ear.
“You belonged to yourself only until the moment you chose to visit my brother’s grave two years ago.”
Noeul went still.
“You know about that?”
“Back then, I didn’t know who you were. You left a little money and my brother’s favorite snacks at his grave.”
Noeul slowly turned toward him.
“Last year, I had to visit early in the morning because of an unavoidable business meeting.” Chung-Hee paused. “And I saw you.”
Noeul’s breathing stopped.
“You were crying over my brother’s grave.”
His mouth fell open. “You were there?”
Chung-Hee looked away. For the first time since Noeul had entered the car, the anger disappeared completely. His eyes filled with tears.
“You said you would do anything to ease my pain.”
Noeul stared at him.
“You heard me?” His voice cracked. “Hyung… how could you do that?”
Chung-Hee seemed not to hear the question. His gaze remained fixed somewhere beyond the windshield, trapped in the memory.
“Did you, or did you not, say you would offer your life in exchange for my family’s happiness?” He finally looked at Noeul. “Was that a lie?”
Noeul lowered his gaze.
“No.”
It had never been a lie. At the time, he would have done anything to undo the pain that both he and his brother had caused them.
Anything.
The shame of knowing someone had heard what he had buried deepest inside himself burned through him. And that someone was Chung-Hee.
When Noeul finally looked up again, dissatisfaction flickered in the eyes watching him.
“Yet you still haven’t asked me what would make me happy.”
Noeul frowned. “What would make you happy?”
Chung-Hee studied him for a moment. Something almost vulnerable appeared in his expression. Then the familiar mask returned.
He turned toward the road and started the engine.
“So,” he asked casually, as though the previous conversation had never happened, “what would you like to do first?”
Noeul stared at him. Something had shifted. For the first time, Noeul had seen a crack in the mask Chung-Hee had built around himself. Not anger. Not revenge.
Grief.
Their disagreement was far from over. Nothing had been resolved. Noeul still didn’t trust him. But perhaps, for today, they could stop hurting each other.
Noeul managed a small smile.
“There’s a nice café I used to visit when I walked along the Namsan Dulle-gil.” He settled back into his seat. “Why don’t we go there? You can choose what we do after.”